In Retrospect, Blank Check is a Really Bad Movie

For those who don't recall, the 1994 movie "Blank Check" is about 12-year-old Preston Waters who accidentally gets a blank check that he fills in for $1,000,000.

I didn't love this movie or have a particular fondness for it, but apparently I liked it enough at the time to convince my parents to take me to see it.  

For that, I'd like to apologize to my parents because that must have been an excruciating 93 minutes.  I don't know how they resisted the urge to tell me how stupid it was.

The movie simply does not hold up as an adult.  Just look at the premise, you have to be 12 or under to think that it has the makings of a good movie.

I experienced this revelation a couple of years ago when I stumbled upon"Blank Check" at 4 a.m. on a cable station.  I wasn't even sober, and it was still obvious.

The complete lack of logic is ridiculous and infuriating.   First, Preston magically uses his Apple Macintosh Performa 6000 to make the blank check out for a million dollars.

And with relatively no questions asked, the bank cashes the check because no one is suspicious of a 12-year-old kid with a million dollars.

This is partially due to some convoluted plot about a criminal laundering money and thinking Preston is his assistant.   But again, who thinks it's natural for a kid to have a check like that?

You know if he was a minority, they would have called the police the second he showed them that check.

Then he buys a ton of stuff including a house and a go-cart track that would cost way more than a million dollars (even in 1994) under the guise that he's doing these things for Macintosh, a fake millionaire he made up.

Of course, everybody, including his parents, a chauffeur, and an FBI agent takes his word for it despite never seeing or hearing of this guy before.

Oh and there's also a nice touch of pedophilia with Shay, the 30s female FBI agent, being the object of Preston's affections.  

She even goes out on a date with him because diddling will definitely help solve her case.

Things only get creepier at the end, as the final scene is Preston looking at a picture of Shay in his room and deviously smiling.

Great, leave us all with the indication he's about to masturbate.

The tagline for this movie should be: "If you loved Home Alone, then experienced serious head trauma. You'll love Blank Check."

Damn You, Hall Pass Billboards

These  "Hall Pass" billboards are everywhere.  I get it.  There's a movie called "Hall Pass" that's going to be released soon.

The sight of them invokes anger.  Mainly because of Owen Wilson.   He looks so douchey in the picture that I want to punch him in the face.

I'm really supposed to believe Owen Wilson as a nerd between that picture and Hollywood telling me he's the cool guy for the last 10 years.  Being a nerd is really more of a Luke Wilson role.

The only redeeming thing about the billboard is Jason Sudeikis.  The hapless look on his face gets me every time.  It gives me hope that the movie could be funny.

Yet it's not enough to cancel out Owen Wilson.  The "Hall Pass" billboard is like my Overlook Hotel so if I go Jack Torrence crazy,  you'll know why.

The Third Olsen Sister: Elizabeth Olsen

Who knew there's a third Olsen sister?  Well maybe "The Onion" did. I know your initial response might be this,  but there is.

 Elizabeth Olsen is the younger sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.  Like them, she's an actress.

The appearance of a third sister seems pretty suspicious to me though.  How come we're just hearing about this sister now, and why didn't anybody mention her before?  It's sketchy that all of a suddenly she shows up.

Also, Elizabeth doesn't really look anything like her sisters.  Instead, she bares a striking resemble to Vera Farmiga.

That's certainly not a bad thing, unless you're Farmiga and there's a younger version of yourself.

Vera Farmiga

Elizabeth Olsen

There has to be an explanation for all this.  Elizabeth could be a desperate attempt by the Olsen parents to have a new star since the boat has kind of sailed on the Olsen Twins.

In fact maybe she isn't really a person, but a humanoid robot they created like Vicki from "Small Wonder."

Technology has vastly improved since the 1980s.  Like those indistinguishable Cylon robots in "Battlestar Galactica" or the Buffy Bot from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

By the way, the son on "Small Wonder" must have had one messed up childhood.  He has a sister, but it isn't really his sister because it's a robot.  Then he develops robot attachment issues.  I don't even want to think about his confusing adolescence.

Or maybe Elizabeth is a clone of some sort.  These are all legitimate answers... at least according to sci-fi television shows and that's good enough for me.

Get Your Smokey On

Oh the Ad Council and US Forest Service, you're way off with this one.  They're decided that the new tag line for Smokey the Bear is "Get Your Smokey On."

They've plastered these posters all over the place.   Billboards, bus stops, and I've even seen one covering the whole side of a building.

I can imagine nerdy business guys high fiving when they came up with this:  "How can we make Smokey the Bear more urban?  I got it.  This is really going to relate to our urban base."

This seems exactly like the episode of "The Simpsons" where they create the nonsensical and clearly youth-targeted character of Poochie who fails miserably.  Here's Poochie in action.

"Get Your Smokey On" doesn't even make sense.  If anything, it sounds like the opposite of preventing wild fires or something an arsonist or a pot head would say.

It would be great if this campaign completely backfired and it did become slang for smoking weed.

I don't like Smokey the Bear pointing at me either.  It's rude and I feel like he's accusing me of something I didn't do.

Then there's the bigger problem with Smokey the Bear, I'm not going to trust a bear that wears jeans because that's just weird.