Betty Francis and Bugles

I hate to say I told you so, but Betty Francis eating Bugles on this week's "Mad Men" just proves my point about the lameness of Bugles.

If Betty is the face for liking your product, then you're in trouble.  Many people consider her the worst character on "Mad Men" and despise her.

Bugles took away the one thing she always had going for her: looks.  There's no doubt that excessive Bugle consumption played a part in making Betty fat.

Eating Bugles on a couch is a person's white flag that he or she has given up on life or certain standards of life.

I'd also argue it's a red flag because there's really not a good reason to be doing that.

Although, it makes sense that Betty would enjoy Bugles.  It's a fundamentally flawed snack for a fundamentally flawed person.

Both seem like they should be a lot better than they actually are, and creepy kid Glen Bishop probably became as obsessed with Bugles as he was with her.

Plus, Betty can put them on her fingers when she's being a mean witch to her children to get the full effect.

Does Anybody Like Bugles?

Bugles are another one of those food products that makes me wonder why they still exist and who eats them.  They're the Rolos of snack food.

Allegedly there are people that like them, but I've never met one.  Even a friend who puts them out at his annual party says that he gets them more out of family tradition than actually enjoying them.

Judging by how full they usually stay, I don't think other people have a strong affinity for them either.

Bugles are like the Switzerland of snack food because they're neutral .  Nobody really says, "I love Bugles" or "I really hate Bugles." Instead most people agree they're just okay.

It's probably because Bugles don't exactly taste awful, but they don't taste good.  If anything, the taste is kind of forgettable.

The most emotion Bugles elicit are phases such as "Wow, I didn't know they still sell Bugles. Weird," and "Why is there a six year old box/bag of Bugles in the back of the cabinet?"

When the most popular use for your product involves people putting them on their fingers and pretending they have long witch nails,  then it's fundamentally failed as a snack food.

WhoNu Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, an Oreo Rip Off

WhoNu chocolate sandwich cookies are yet another feeble attempt to make imitation Oreo cookies.

A lot of people think of the Hydrox cookie as a common knock off of the Oreo cookie like WhoNu, but the Hydrox cookie actually came before the Oreo.

When will people learn there can only be one Oreo cookie and nobody wants an inferior version?

It's like asking your Mom to get Fruit Loops and having her get generic store brand Fruit-O's instead.  No, it's not the same basic cereal.

This one has a weird aftertaste and instead of Toucan Sam on the box it's a strange looking Toucan that's so irregular it could be sold at Marshalls and probably has bird flu.

WhoNu even attempts to emulate the signature design pattern of the Oreo cookie.  Much like the Hydrox cookie design, it pales in comparison to the Oreo one.  

The weak design is yet another indication of WhoNu's inferior quality.  

Of course, the Oreo design can never be beaten because apparently it's so intricate it's like the "Da Vinci Code" conspiracy of cookie designs.  See what I mean here. 

WhoNu's selling point is that the cookies have more nutruitional value than a regular cookie because it contains essential vitamins along with iron and calcium.

Yeah, I don't think anybody is eating chocolate cookies for their nutritional value.  If they are, then they have issues.

If anything, it will just trick people into thinking that eating a bunch of cookies is fine because it has benefits.

Knowing that you have a sufficient amount of vitamin A isn't going to make you feel better when you have diabetes.  Instead you'll just be like this guy with diabetes.

Sweetheart Candies, No Thank You

Valentine's Day comes up this weekend, and with that comes the unfortunate presence of Sweethearts.  The heart-shaped candies with messages such as "Be Mine" and "Kiss Me" are synonymous with the holiday even though they taste awful.

Allegedly the candies' formula consists of sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, gums, colorings, and flavorings, but I'm pretty sure Sweethearts must be made of chalk because that's what they taste like.

Or maybe since Necco's headquarters are based in Revere, that's just the taste of Revere Beach water.


Sweethearts have a long history as they go as far back as 1902.  But, you're really going to trust the discriminating tastes of people back then?  They would have put sugar on feces and called it good candy.

I can't believe that anyone actually likes Sweethearts yet they're still around.  Mainly because of the gimmick messages on them, but last time I checked, giving someone bad tasting candy with generic messages on them isn't romantic.  In fact, it's sufficient grounds for dumping your significant other.

Although, maybe the real lesson here is that we need Sweethearts.  Constantly pretending to be grateful for this disgusting candy each year, teaches people how to effectively hide their disappointment when their boyfriend or girlfriend gets them a bad Valentine's Day gift.

When It's Okay to Eat Food Off the Floor

Courtesy of SF Weekly, a chart that helps you decide when you can eat food off the floor.  It seems to be a little too preoccupied with cats and food so I don't like the direction it's going in.

Unfortunately, it doesn't even address the most pressing question: When can you eat candy off the floor?  For instance,  you get some Skittles and rip the bag open only for precious red Skittles to fall to the floor.

Do you attempt to salvage them at the risk of losing other people's respect or just move on?


The choice is that much harder for children as they've yet to realize that all Skittles colors taste the same because each one is full of equal amounts of cavity-inducing sugar.

Before you go all architect from the Matrix on me to solve this problem, two student researchers already determined that it takes five minutes on the floor for bacteria to show up on Skittles.

So next time somebody judges you for eating that Skittle you dropped on the floor, blind them with science like their name was Thomas Dolby.  Of course it's still kind of a social faux pas, so maybe it's a good idea to continue not eating off the floor.

Besides, backing up any course of action with a Thomas Dolby reference doesn't make the strongest case.