Clarissa and the Straightjackets - This is What NaNa Means

Clarissa can't explain this album.  In 1994, someone got the bright idea that Clarissa from "Clarissa Explains It All"  should have her own band named the Straightjackets and release a seven track album.

Not just any album though, one centered around Clarissa's horrible interpretation of 90s rock.

I should have stopped listened after the first track, although I'm ashamed to admit that I actually listened to all 35 minutes and 26 seconds of this CD.

It's like a car crash because it was so bad, but I couldn't turn away.

The tracks include a rocked out version of the show's theme song and a song meant to cheer up her friend Heather who's down because her parents are fighting all the time.

I wonder if this was what Heather's parents were fighting about.

Clarissa also has an affinity for name checking Pearl Jam as a comparison to her band.  She does it at least twice.  Sorry, Pearl Jam fans.

The worst part is that they convinced Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa) that she could actually sing when she couldn't.  That's just a mean thing to do.

Hart sounds like the template for every contestant on "American Idol" or "The Voice" who thinks they're good but really aren't.

Like the rest of us, she must cringe every time she hears this album.

Denzel Washington: The Only Angry Black Man America Likes

With the box office success of "Safe House," Denzel Washington has cemented his place as the only angry black man America likes.

Just think for a minute how many movies centered around an angry black man violently taking matters into his own hands were actually successful at the box office.  Yeah, not many.

It's about as common as finding someone who actually watches "NCIS" or eats Good & Plenty.

But Washington movies such as "Man on Fire," "American Gangster," and "Training Day" were.  

Mainstream America paid good money to see these films in the theater.  It's not like they just watched them on TV.

Some people might argue that Washington isn't the only black actor that pulls this off because Samuel L. Jackson's whole career is based on being the angry black man, but Jackson doesn't carry movies.  

It's more like there's a movie and it features Jackson. "Shaft" doesn't count because it's based on an existing blaxploitation franchise.

Will Smith makes big movies although he's more of a goofy violent guy that cracks jokes than an angry black man.  He consciously stays away from projects that would portray him as one

Washington's feat is even more impressive when you consider there's still a whole demographic of people that specifically fear a violent angry black man.

What makes Washington so special then?  I'd like to think it's because he's not doing it for you, although it's not.

The key is that America trusts him.   The reason Washington can get away with these roles is that he's built up enough good will in his career that people don't see him as inherently threatening.

Sure Washington is ruthless in a movie, but in real life the public knows he's a good guy so it's okay.

Bottom line,  he's like the Dos Equis character of The Most Interesting Man in the World for the angry black man.

It's not often America watches films with angry black men but when they do, they prefer Denzel Washington.

Fleet Foxes Sing

If you ever find yourself thinking, this song would sound a lot better if the Fleet Foxes were singing it then you're in luck.

Fleet Foxes Sing blog takes popular songs and covers them in the style of the Fleet Foxes.

It's not actually the Fleet Foxes covering these songs, but it sounds so much like them that the group had to assure people it wasn't.

Instead it's the work of a New York-based music technology worker who The Guardian interviewed recently.

Regardless, it's amusing to hear upbeat pop songs such as Katy Perry's "Firework," Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance Somebody," and Katrina and the Waves "I'm Walking on Sunshine" transformed into depressing songs.

My favorite cover has to be Rick Astley's "Never Going to Give You Up" as the Fleet Foxes version makes it sound like the ultimate creepy stalker song penned by someone who's mentally unstable instead of a harmless pop song.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Does Anybody Like Bugles?

Bugles are another one of those food products that makes me wonder why they still exist and who eats them.  They're the Rolos of snack food.

Allegedly there are people that like them, but I've never met one.  Even a friend who puts them out at his annual party says that he gets them more out of family tradition than actually enjoying them.

Judging by how full they usually stay, I don't think other people have a strong affinity for them either.

Bugles are like the Switzerland of snack food because they're neutral .  Nobody really says, "I love Bugles" or "I really hate Bugles." Instead most people agree they're just okay.

It's probably because Bugles don't exactly taste awful, but they don't taste good.  If anything, the taste is kind of forgettable.

The most emotion Bugles elicit are phases such as "Wow, I didn't know they still sell Bugles. Weird," and "Why is there a six year old box/bag of Bugles in the back of the cabinet?"

When the most popular use for your product involves people putting them on their fingers and pretending they have long witch nails,  then it's fundamentally failed as a snack food.

The 56 best/worst analogies

Kind of late to the game on this one but here are the 56 best/worst analogies via the House of Figs blog.  

Originally it was believed that the analogies came from a high school kids although they're actually from a Washington Post bad analogy contest.  Either way they're quite amusing.

Some of the bests ones are:

8.  He was lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

33.  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

48.  I felt a nameless dread.  Well, there's probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something but I don't speak German.  Anyway,  it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags.  I don't know the name for those either.

 

Roller Coaster Scene From Fear

The movie "Fear" is an interesting subject in its own right, but the rollercoaster scene certainly qualifies as one of its most memorable scenes.

I had forgotten about it until a friend referenced it last week.  

The scene is great for so many reasons, although none of those reasons include its original intent to be a special moment.  The scene's so cheesy that it's full of unintentional comedy.

Reese Witherspoon just can't let Mark Wahlberg get to third base anywhere, it has to be on a roller coaster soundtracked by a cover of the Rolling Stones song "Wild Horses"  to set the appropriate mood.

You know because it's naturally the perfect setting for this type of thing.  I imagine the writer being so proud of himself for coming up with this.

"No, no you don't understand.  It has to be on a roller coaster because it's a subtle metaphor for the sexual experience and her climax."

That's about as subtle as using this song to play in the background during it.

Although, there's two important things we can take from this scene.

First, if you let a guy do this to you on a roller coaster then there's a 50 percent chance he might be mentally unstable and become dangerously obsessed with you.

Second, it really makes you think about how dirty that roller coaster seat you're sitting on might be.  I doubt they clean those seats well, and a fair amount of people have seen "Fear."

Who's to say people weren't inspired to have their own moment on a roller coaster?

The scene's also great because it involves a young Witherspoon and Wahlberg in roles they'd like to forget. 

I'm sure they're both embarrassed by it since they're now legitmate actors, and probably cringe at the thought of it.

If they had their way, then this clip probably wouldn't exist.  But unfortunately for them, wild horses couldn't drag the internet away.

The Lost Art of TV Intros

Today's TV intros are so truncated that that there's almost no point to having them.  They don't really  introduce the cast, and the theme songs aren't memorable.

It's like the shows are saying just go to IMDB to look up who's on the show if you really care that much because we don't want to waste the time.

The opening of "Mad Men" may be an exception as many people would argue that's the most exciting part of the show (I wouldn't).

Most likely this is because shows need to squeeze in as much ad time and story into the half hour or hour, but it makes me long for old TV intros of the 80s and 90s.

There was a certain art to them as they tried to draw you into the world of the show.  Even though they could come off as cheesy, shows were at least making the effort.

A couple of key elements usually composed a good intro.  First was an effective theme song.

There were a lot of iconic theme songs because shows actually cared about having a good one.

Themes were made especially for shows with lyrics that described them.

For instance, the producers of "Cheers" became personally involved in the development of the show's theme and helped tweak it until they thought it sounded right.

The producers of "Friends" took it one step further and co-wrote its theme song "I'll Be There For You."

The best example of a great theme song has to be the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".  Not only does everybody know the song's lyrics, but it details the whole premise of the show in a little over a minute.

And you can't forget composers Jessie Frederick and Bennett Salvay who seemed to have the magic touch during the 80s and 90s as they wrote memorable themes for "Perfect Strangers," " Full House," "Family Matters," and "Step by Step."

The next element for a great intro was an elaborate opening sequence.  These usually featured special footage of the cast doing things just for the opening credits, actual clips from the show or footage of where the show takes place.

The opening sequence of "Friends" with the cast splashing in the water fountain and then sitting on a couch in front it will never make any sense.

But it's a prime example of a choreographed cast opening that helps distinguish a show.

My favorite openings have to be the ones where a member of the cast is "doing something" such as writing or playing basketball then looks at the camera and smiles as if to say, "oh I didn't see you there because I was too busy doing this."

Those were recognizable from the beginnings of "Full House," "Family Matters" and "Step by Step."  Not to mention "90210," which may have the best beginning as the whole cast shamelessly mugs for the camera.



Granted there's not really anything artistic about that, but it's funny.

It's comedy gold from Brian Austin Green's lame dancing, to Tori Spelling trying to have sex with the camera and failing miserably, and then James Eckhouse's psychotic look that dares you to find out what he'll do if you change the channel.

Granted there are still shows like "Parks and Recreation" and "How I Met Your Mother" that still do a little bit of an old school intro, but for the most part that style is dead.

I'm not looking for a complete throwback to some of the over the top show intros of the 80s and 90s just some creativity in current ones.  Especially on network TV.

There's a lot of bad TV shows out there so the least they can do is have somewhat entertaining and memorable opening credits.