Perfect Strangers Video Game

Prepare to spend way too much time playing the "Perfect Strangers" video game based on the 80s/90s TV show.  Video game designer Jason Oda,  the same guy who made the Emo game, created it.

Playable at NothingsGonnaStopMeNow.com,  it's basically a dramatic interpretation of the show's catchy theme song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" as Balki departs from Mypos and must catch as many stars as he can to achieve his/your dream.

It's kind of crazy, but you'd be surprised how addicting and inspirational the game actually is.

For that brief moment, you believe that if Balki can achieve his dream then you can.

Until you realize that Balki would never make it to America today because he'd be detained at customs due to his quirky behavior.

That would definitely stop him now and for several months during which he would become bitter and anti-American.

The website for the game was down yesterday, but now it's back up.  That day was a dark time because I lacked the ability to be "standing tall on my the wings of my dreams."

Kid N Play Dance

The dance made famous by rappers Kid 'N Play and nicknamed the "the Funky Charleston"  never loses its appeal.  In fact it puts the original Charleston to shame.

People are forever trying to recreate this scene from "House Party."  For instance,  Lebron James in this State Farm commercial.

I'm sure one of the big reasons James signed with the Miami Heat was so he and Wade could be the new age Kid 'N Play.

Look at this picture and try and tell me that they aren't dressed to rock a 90s house party like Kid 'N Play.

Since there are only two members of Kid 'N Play that also explains why Chris Bosh is the odd man out in Miami.   He only gets to fill the role of the DJ that nobody cares about.

The Better Blues Traveler Song: Run-Around or Hook

I think it's safe to assume that most people only know two Blues Traveler songs "Run Around" and "Hook."  They were pretty much two-hit wonders.

If you know more than those two songs, congratulations.  You were either a real fan or someone who bought the Blues Traveler album Four in a fit of passion during the 90s

I'm sure it's sitting right next to your Chumbawamba and Tonic CDs.

On the surface, "Run Around" seems to be the better song since it appeared higher on the Billboard Top 40 chart and it's Blues Traveler's' signature song.

Not to mention, the rapid fire pace of the song is pretty catchy.  But more often than not, people have told me that they prefer "Hook."



In a way, it is superior.  The song's lyrics taunts listeners that even though it's spouting nonsense that its catchiness will draw them in, and "Hook" delivers on this promise.

Originally I believed that "Run Around" was the better song, but over the years I've concluded that "Hook" is.

At least there's one thing we can all agree on though:  fat John Popper was so much better than skinny John Popper.

Which song do you think is better?

Better Blues Travelers Song

Betty Francis and Bugles

I hate to say I told you so, but Betty Francis eating Bugles on this week's "Mad Men" just proves my point about the lameness of Bugles.

If Betty is the face for liking your product, then you're in trouble.  Many people consider her the worst character on "Mad Men" and despise her.

Bugles took away the one thing she always had going for her: looks.  There's no doubt that excessive Bugle consumption played a part in making Betty fat.

Eating Bugles on a couch is a person's white flag that he or she has given up on life or certain standards of life.

I'd also argue it's a red flag because there's really not a good reason to be doing that.

Although, it makes sense that Betty would enjoy Bugles.  It's a fundamentally flawed snack for a fundamentally flawed person.

Both seem like they should be a lot better than they actually are, and creepy kid Glen Bishop probably became as obsessed with Bugles as he was with her.

Plus, Betty can put them on her fingers when she's being a mean witch to her children to get the full effect.

The Hunger Games is a Ripoff of The Condemned

I bet you haven't heard that one yet.  Probably thought I was going to say "Battle Royale" like everybody else.

But obviously, "The Hunger Games" is inspired by the 2007 classic "The Condemned."

The movie features Stone Cold Steve Austin as a prisoner awaiting the death penalty in a corrupt Central American country until he's purchased by a wealthy reality TV producer  and forced to participate in a televised fight to the death against nine other convicted killers for a chance at freedom.

Spoiler alert,  Austin wins.  I know it seems so improbable now, but he does.

Clearly the author of "The Hunger Games," Suzanne Collins ignored the film's 13% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and viewed this film.

Then she realized it was such a masterpiece that she had to write a young adult version of "The Condemned."  It's the most logical explanation.

Let's face it, Katniss Everdeen is really just the female version of Austin's character.

I'm not sure Jennifer Lawrence can compete with the performance of Austin though.  Anybody who thought he couldn't carry a movie was dead wrong.  Sure Austin can, just not a good movie.

He really shines in the last 10 to 15 minutes of the movie where inexplicably there's not a a single word of dialogue.  I guess there's only so many witty quips you can fit in a 113 minute movie.

Hey wait a minute,  I think "The Artist" must have ripped off "The Condemned" too.

This Charming Man 8-bit Version

It should be a fact by now that making things 8-bit is awesome.

That's why it's not surprising an 8-bit cover of the Smith's "This Charming Man" combined with sound effects from "Super Mario Bros." called "Super Morrissey Bros." is so enjoyable.

Although if anybody's indie, I think it's Luigi not Mario.  Luigi just always had to do his fancy leg-kicking jumps in "Super Mario Bros. 2" and make me fall off the platform.

March Madness 2012: Pop Culture Thoughts

It's been a day and a half of the March Madness 2012 and here's what I've learned so far:

1. The longest anybody has ever driven for Doritos flavored diarrhea is 965 miles

Taco Bell wants to make sure we don't forget this by playing their new Doritos Locos Tacos commercial on a loop.  

It's convenient that they don't mention the trip back home where everybody immediately regrets eating that taco, curses this Nat Christiana guy, and realizes it's 965 miles until they get home.  

2.  TruTV

In March, everybody realizes that this station actually exists and scrambles to find it on their channel guide.  Despite being irrelevant the other 11 months of the year, it masquerades as the new sports leader.  You know, in between commercials for their usual high-brow programming such as "Lick Lizard Towing" and "Pawn Stars." 

3. Woman from At&t speed dating commercial looks like an android

That woman really creeps me out because she definitely looks artificial and acts like a robot.  Notice the crazy terminator like way she smiles and how she talks with limited emotion.  That's a Cylon if I've ever seen one.

4.  Now's the time to shill your gimmick food or beverage

Be it Taco Bell's Doritos taco or Mcdonald's Shamrock Shake.   There's definitely someone out there who's eating a Doritos Locos Taco with a Shamrock Shake right now.  What a combination!

5. All this talk of Shaka Smart and the Wichita St. Shockers reminded me of the rapper Silkk The Shocker 

No, that's not a mistake.  He actually spelled his named with the extra "k."  You might remember him from the song "It Ain't My Fault" with Mystikal.  Actually let's just go back to pretending he doesn't exist, I think it's better that way.

Clarissa and the Straightjackets - This is What NaNa Means

Clarissa can't explain this album.  In 1994, someone got the bright idea that Clarissa from "Clarissa Explains It All"  should have her own band named the Straightjackets and release a seven track album.

Not just any album though, one centered around Clarissa's horrible interpretation of 90s rock.

I should have stopped listened after the first track, although I'm ashamed to admit that I actually listened to all 35 minutes and 26 seconds of this CD.

It's like a car crash because it was so bad, but I couldn't turn away.

The tracks include a rocked out version of the show's theme song and a song meant to cheer up her friend Heather who's down because her parents are fighting all the time.

I wonder if this was what Heather's parents were fighting about.

Clarissa also has an affinity for name checking Pearl Jam as a comparison to her band.  She does it at least twice.  Sorry, Pearl Jam fans.

The worst part is that they convinced Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa) that she could actually sing when she couldn't.  That's just a mean thing to do.

Hart sounds like the template for every contestant on "American Idol" or "The Voice" who thinks they're good but really aren't.

Like the rest of us, she must cringe every time she hears this album.

Denzel Washington: The Only Angry Black Man America Likes

With the box office success of "Safe House," Denzel Washington has cemented his place as the only angry black man America likes.

Just think for a minute how many movies centered around an angry black man violently taking matters into his own hands were actually successful at the box office.  Yeah, not many.

It's about as common as finding someone who actually watches "NCIS" or eats Good & Plenty.

But Washington movies such as "Man on Fire," "American Gangster," and "Training Day" were.  

Mainstream America paid good money to see these films in the theater.  It's not like they just watched them on TV.

Some people might argue that Washington isn't the only black actor that pulls this off because Samuel L. Jackson's whole career is based on being the angry black man, but Jackson doesn't carry movies.  

It's more like there's a movie and it features Jackson. "Shaft" doesn't count because it's based on an existing blaxploitation franchise.

Will Smith makes big movies although he's more of a goofy violent guy that cracks jokes than an angry black man.  He consciously stays away from projects that would portray him as one

Washington's feat is even more impressive when you consider there's still a whole demographic of people that specifically fear a violent angry black man.

What makes Washington so special then?  I'd like to think it's because he's not doing it for you, although it's not.

The key is that America trusts him.   The reason Washington can get away with these roles is that he's built up enough good will in his career that people don't see him as inherently threatening.

Sure Washington is ruthless in a movie, but in real life the public knows he's a good guy so it's okay.

Bottom line,  he's like the Dos Equis character of The Most Interesting Man in the World for the angry black man.

It's not often America watches films with angry black men but when they do, they prefer Denzel Washington.

Fleet Foxes Sing

If you ever find yourself thinking, this song would sound a lot better if the Fleet Foxes were singing it then you're in luck.

Fleet Foxes Sing blog takes popular songs and covers them in the style of the Fleet Foxes.

It's not actually the Fleet Foxes covering these songs, but it sounds so much like them that the group had to assure people it wasn't.

Instead it's the work of a New York-based music technology worker who The Guardian interviewed recently.

Regardless, it's amusing to hear upbeat pop songs such as Katy Perry's "Firework," Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance Somebody," and Katrina and the Waves "I'm Walking on Sunshine" transformed into depressing songs.

My favorite cover has to be Rick Astley's "Never Going to Give You Up" as the Fleet Foxes version makes it sound like the ultimate creepy stalker song penned by someone who's mentally unstable instead of a harmless pop song.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Does Anybody Like Bugles?

Bugles are another one of those food products that makes me wonder why they still exist and who eats them.  They're the Rolos of snack food.

Allegedly there are people that like them, but I've never met one.  Even a friend who puts them out at his annual party says that he gets them more out of family tradition than actually enjoying them.

Judging by how full they usually stay, I don't think other people have a strong affinity for them either.

Bugles are like the Switzerland of snack food because they're neutral .  Nobody really says, "I love Bugles" or "I really hate Bugles." Instead most people agree they're just okay.

It's probably because Bugles don't exactly taste awful, but they don't taste good.  If anything, the taste is kind of forgettable.

The most emotion Bugles elicit are phases such as "Wow, I didn't know they still sell Bugles. Weird," and "Why is there a six year old box/bag of Bugles in the back of the cabinet?"

When the most popular use for your product involves people putting them on their fingers and pretending they have long witch nails,  then it's fundamentally failed as a snack food.

The 56 best/worst analogies

Kind of late to the game on this one but here are the 56 best/worst analogies via the House of Figs blog.  

Originally it was believed that the analogies came from a high school kids although they're actually from a Washington Post bad analogy contest.  Either way they're quite amusing.

Some of the bests ones are:

8.  He was lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

33.  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

48.  I felt a nameless dread.  Well, there's probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something but I don't speak German.  Anyway,  it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags.  I don't know the name for those either.

 

Roller Coaster Scene From Fear

The movie "Fear" is an interesting subject in its own right, but the rollercoaster scene certainly qualifies as one of its most memorable scenes.

I had forgotten about it until a friend referenced it last week.  

The scene is great for so many reasons, although none of those reasons include its original intent to be a special moment.  The scene's so cheesy that it's full of unintentional comedy.

Reese Witherspoon just can't let Mark Wahlberg get to third base anywhere, it has to be on a roller coaster soundtracked by a cover of the Rolling Stones song "Wild Horses"  to set the appropriate mood.

You know because it's naturally the perfect setting for this type of thing.  I imagine the writer being so proud of himself for coming up with this.

"No, no you don't understand.  It has to be on a roller coaster because it's a subtle metaphor for the sexual experience and her climax."

That's about as subtle as using this song to play in the background during it.

Although, there's two important things we can take from this scene.

First, if you let a guy do this to you on a roller coaster then there's a 50 percent chance he might be mentally unstable and become dangerously obsessed with you.

Second, it really makes you think about how dirty that roller coaster seat you're sitting on might be.  I doubt they clean those seats well, and a fair amount of people have seen "Fear."

Who's to say people weren't inspired to have their own moment on a roller coaster?

The scene's also great because it involves a young Witherspoon and Wahlberg in roles they'd like to forget. 

I'm sure they're both embarrassed by it since they're now legitmate actors, and probably cringe at the thought of it.

If they had their way, then this clip probably wouldn't exist.  But unfortunately for them, wild horses couldn't drag the internet away.

The Lost Art of TV Intros

Today's TV intros are so truncated that that there's almost no point to having them.  They don't really  introduce the cast, and the theme songs aren't memorable.

It's like the shows are saying just go to IMDB to look up who's on the show if you really care that much because we don't want to waste the time.

The opening of "Mad Men" may be an exception as many people would argue that's the most exciting part of the show (I wouldn't).

Most likely this is because shows need to squeeze in as much ad time and story into the half hour or hour, but it makes me long for old TV intros of the 80s and 90s.

There was a certain art to them as they tried to draw you into the world of the show.  Even though they could come off as cheesy, shows were at least making the effort.

A couple of key elements usually composed a good intro.  First was an effective theme song.

There were a lot of iconic theme songs because shows actually cared about having a good one.

Themes were made especially for shows with lyrics that described them.

For instance, the producers of "Cheers" became personally involved in the development of the show's theme and helped tweak it until they thought it sounded right.

The producers of "Friends" took it one step further and co-wrote its theme song "I'll Be There For You."

The best example of a great theme song has to be the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".  Not only does everybody know the song's lyrics, but it details the whole premise of the show in a little over a minute.

And you can't forget composers Jessie Frederick and Bennett Salvay who seemed to have the magic touch during the 80s and 90s as they wrote memorable themes for "Perfect Strangers," " Full House," "Family Matters," and "Step by Step."

The next element for a great intro was an elaborate opening sequence.  These usually featured special footage of the cast doing things just for the opening credits, actual clips from the show or footage of where the show takes place.

The opening sequence of "Friends" with the cast splashing in the water fountain and then sitting on a couch in front it will never make any sense.

But it's a prime example of a choreographed cast opening that helps distinguish a show.

My favorite openings have to be the ones where a member of the cast is "doing something" such as writing or playing basketball then looks at the camera and smiles as if to say, "oh I didn't see you there because I was too busy doing this."

Those were recognizable from the beginnings of "Full House," "Family Matters" and "Step by Step."  Not to mention "90210," which may have the best beginning as the whole cast shamelessly mugs for the camera.



Granted there's not really anything artistic about that, but it's funny.

It's comedy gold from Brian Austin Green's lame dancing, to Tori Spelling trying to have sex with the camera and failing miserably, and then James Eckhouse's psychotic look that dares you to find out what he'll do if you change the channel.

Granted there are still shows like "Parks and Recreation" and "How I Met Your Mother" that still do a little bit of an old school intro, but for the most part that style is dead.

I'm not looking for a complete throwback to some of the over the top show intros of the 80s and 90s just some creativity in current ones.  Especially on network TV.

There's a lot of bad TV shows out there so the least they can do is have somewhat entertaining and memorable opening credits.

Cold Pizza Equals Domestic Violence

At least that's what this 90s anti-abuse ad seems to indicate.  Clearly domestic abuse is not a laughing matter, but this over the top ad isn't helping people take it seriously.

It's difficult to get past the whole pizza issue.  Last time I checked, pizza wasn't the gateway drug to domestic violence.

What did pizza ever do to anybody?  Nobody would get that irrationally angry about pizza.  Even a guy who's lactose intolerant wouldn't get that angry.

I mean I saw some bizarre stuff go down at Papa Gino's back in the day, but nothing like this.

Yet, this isn't even the craziest domestic violence commercial ever made.  Let's just say that Canadians take it to a whole new level, and saying "sore-ree" won't help.  This clip contains some NSFW language:

James Bond Jr.

Everything about this 1991 cartoon show is awful.  The theme song is one of the worst things I've ever heard, and the whole concept lacks logic.

Why make a show based around Bond lore when the character can't womanize or kill people?  These are essential Bond activities.

Then there's the whole junior issue.  The character didn't have to be a junior because it just could have been a younger version of James Bond instead.

Even worse, James Bond Jr. isn't even James Bond son,  he's his nephew.  That makes no sense at all.  

I think this probably explains the creative process behind the show.  There's really no other explanation.

Big: Piano Scene

Playing the Piano
Big at MOVIECLIPS.com

One of the best scenes from the movie "Big" is this one.  If you can't enjoy it then you may in fact be dead inside.

I'm still waiting for my moment to shine on a giant piano.

When it does happen, I'm not going to waste my time playing songs like "Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks."

Instead I'll play the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme "Axel F" with a cool old black guy who joins in and is surprisingly nimble.

Then it turns out that I helped him rediscover his passion for the piano.  Not that I'll put a lot of thought into this or anything.  

Signs of Recording Artists That Can't Dance

Elaborate dance routines are hard so there's no shame in some recording artists not being able to do them.

But some artists, especially pop stars can't leave it at that.  Pop stars usually compound the problem by trying to use smoke and mirrors to hide their lack of dance skills.

If anything, it only draws more attention to the situation.

Honestly, I don't know why this bothers me so much but it does.

It's an Abed from "Community" like concern.   Maybe it's because I don't like to be deceived, who knows?

Anyway, there's always a couple of tell tale signs in a music video when an artist can't dance.

First, there will be a lot of back up dancers to draw your attention away from the artist along with convenient close up shots of the back up dancers.

That's not enough though.  The real key is having the artist do a couple simple moves he or she learned to make it appear he or she is dancing well.

This is further complimented by making sure there's only quick cuts of the artist dancing before cutting away to another scene or back up dancers.

Sometimes if the artist is really bad then the wide or arial camera shot is used so there's not a focus on the artist's dancing but instead the group.

Of course the heyday for pop stars pretending they could dance was the late 90s and early 2000s.

Record labels were trying to keep up with Britney Spears so every teen girl recording artist had to be a dancing and singing Lolita.

This was unfortunate for Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore because they got forced to go outside their skill set and had to awkwardly dance in their music videos.

Moore's dancing in the video "Candy" gets spliced with shots of a guy skateboarding to try to make it look better.  No wonder Moore hates the video and can't bare to watch it.

Well that and all the inappropriate sexually innuendo the song and video represents.

Simpson's "Irresistible" video has to be the ultimate example of a pop star who can't dance.  The dancing is so bad, it's uncomfortable to watch.  It's like watching a drunk girl dance at a party.

Instead of hiding Simpson's dancing skills,  the video showcases just how bad of a dancer she is.

There's more recent examples of pop stars feigning dance skill as well.  Take for instance Katy Perry who tries to dance in her video Hot n' Cold.

Sure she tries to play it off as a joke, but that's probably because she couldn't learn the dance moves.

Then there's the video for the song "Come Hit Me Up" from the movie "Happy Feet."  Clearly this  Gia Farrell person can't dance, but since the song is connected to the movie she has to.

The video employes all the tricks such as focus on back up dancers,  the artist doing a few simple dance moves, quick cuts, and wide shots to hide her lack of dance skills.

The real lesson in all of this is that artists should take Phil Collins's advice and accept when they can't dance.

You're the Man Now Dog

Sean Connery's classic line, "You're the man now dog" from the 2000 movie "Finding Forrester" never gets old.

It's just as funny as the first time I heard it.  Eleven years has done nothing to diminish it.

The YTMND website it inspired is still amusing even though it's basically the endless audio looping of that line.

Nobody inspires urban youth quite like Connery.  If only I had someone like Connery to tell me that I was indeed the man now dog,  life would be so much better.

I mean constantly telling yourself that in the mirror with a faux Connery impression is okay, but it's not the same.

Bad Dudes

I was recently reminded of the 80s arcade and Nintendo game "Bad Dudes."  Looking back, it truly had to be one of the laziest video games ever created.

They just tried to make a game around buzz words.  In fact, the internet confirms that the game is based on 80s pop culture when Michael Jackson's "Bad" and ninjas were popular.

The plot focused around ninjas kidnapping the U.S. president only reinforces this belief.  Because you know, ninjas are always doing stuff like that.

Not to mention, the government asks two street smart brawlers named Blade and Striker to rescue the president.

It's probably because of their cool 80s names and the fact that Nitro and Laser were unavailable.

I imagine the development of this game went something like this:

Executive # 1:  What if the main characters are bad, but they're also                                      dudes?  They're bad dudes.

Various Executives agree.

Executive # 1:  Okay, now we need a plot.
Executive # 2:  How about ninjas kidnap the president?
Executive # 1:  Great.
Executive # 3:  Are you sure we should just use the first idea we come up                              with?
Executive # 1:  Why not?  It's good enough.