Last Christmas

Wham's 1984 single "Last Christmas" has to be one of the best Christmas songs ever made.  A claim supported by the vast number of artists including Jimmy Eats World, Arctic Monkeys, and the cast of "Glee"(which did a version this year) who have covered it.

Although, the song should just be credited to George Michael's since he wrote it, and Andrew Ridgeley, the other half of Wham,  mooched off it.

The video for the song isn't nearly as good though.  No wonder the brunette woman gave away Michael's heart last Christmas because that looks like one sucky Christmas.  Who wants to go to the middle of nowhere to celebrate Christmas?  I don't see any presents either so I bet Michael offered his heart because he was too cheap to buy real presents.


The brunette woman Michael is pining for looks like one of Kristen Wiig's Midwestern characters for Saturday Night Live.

George Michael gave his heart to the 80s

version of Kristen Wiig

Even worse, his best friend Ridgeley is with the same brunette woman that destroyed Michael's heart the previous Christmas.  What a douche.  Ridgeley must be the worst best friend ever because he doesn't contribute anything to the group, and dates the woman that Micheal was with last Christmas.

It's clear that this a Christmas celebration planned by a gay man (Michael) who wants to minimize the amount of physical contact he has to have with a woman.  That's why he's made sure they're constantly surrounded by other people so he can be like "Oh no, we can have sex anytime.  Let's hit the slopes again or play another game of charades."

It's also likely that the brunette woman found about Micheal's true sexuality the previous Christmas so that's why she gave his heart away.  In fact, maybe the song's lyrics should be "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you found out I was gay."

Cheryl Cole: Britain is Holding Out on Us

Let me get this straight, Britain has the hot popstar Cheryl Cole to offer and instead they give us homely Susan Boyle.  It's the equivalent of being promised a good toy for Christmas, but only getting a crappy toy from a drug store or the United States telling Britain that the most attractive pop star we have to offer is Lady Gaga.

To borrow a phrase from a 2004 song by overrated British rapper The Streets,  one might say to Cole or about her, " You're fit but my gosh don't you just know it" (Don't even get me started on how stupid the whole The Streets thing is/was).


Cole is a famous popstar in the United Kingdom who rose to fame as part of an all girl pop group called Girls Aloud that was formed through a reality television show, and she has recently started a successful solo career with UK chart topping single "Fight for this Love."  Watch it here.  She's also married to Chelsea and England national team soccer player Ashley Cole who was even stupid enough to cheat on her.

If you've watched the video, you know what we're missing out on.  She definitely fits the mold for an American popstar as she's somewhat talented, but really gets by on her looks.  In fact, she'd fill the current void of this type of popstar in America.  Besides Britain owes us, they haven't given us this kind of sexed-up popstar since the Spice Girls, and they weren't all that great anyway.

As a country that isn't always known for its good looks, one might think Britain would want to showcase someone like Cole, but clearly they don't want to share her with the U.S.

Maybe because she's considered somewhat of a national treasure in Britain, and they fear we'll steal her from them.  Hey, we gave back Elizabeth Hurley once we got bored with her.

Fall 2009: The Season of the Overweight Black Woman

 The first and probably the last time you will 

ever see a picture of Mo'Nique on this page

 Now I could have said fat, but I trying to be politically correct for a change.  Fall 2009 has clearly been a time of unparalleled success for "big-boned" women in entertainment.   Think about this for a moment.

The movie "Precious," which is gaining critical acclaim and praise features two overweight black women as main characters .  It's possible that both Gabourey Sidibe and Mo'Nique will earn Oscar nominations for their roles.

Overweight women are also having success on television.  Shows such as "Glee," "Community," and "Parks and Recreation" all have this type of woman as a character.  They're not just there to be a punchline to a joke, but are actually legitimate characters.


I can not recall a time when the entertainment industry appreciated overweight black women this much.  It's clear that Oprah paved the way for overweight black women in entertainment as America lets her into their living rooms each afternoon.

Without her, audiences would not be as comfortable with these type of characters on screen.  Giving away free cars like this doesn't hurt either.

Of course, that doesn't mean the perpetuated stereotypes for overweight black women such as being sassy and singing well have gone away.  The characters on "Glee" (obviously she would have to sing well to be on this show) and "Community" do both these things, and the character on "Community" is sassy.

But at least they have these characters in their shows.  Trying to find an overweight black woman on CBS programming is like reading a "Where's Waldo" book.  Instead they occasionally show black men like Shemar Moore on "Criminal Minds," and the black guy from "CSI NY" who my sister claims "look like models pretending to be cops."

All that said, this Fall may indicate a little bit of change happening in the entertainment industry.  One might say that overweight black women are finally being judged for the content of their character instead of the content of their stomachs.

ABC's Conveyor Belt (Meat Market) of Love

The Hollywood Reporter reports that ABC has green lit a reality show called "Conveyor Belt of Love."  Oh it's as bad as it sounds.  The show consists of 30 men being rolled out before a panel of five women and given one minute to make a positive impression.

Actually that description doesn't even do it justice.  Here's how the press release describes it:

If a woman is interested in someone, that man will step aside and wait as the rest of the men go by.  But if another man comes by on the belt that seems better than that woman’s first choice, she can swap out the man waiting off of the belt as many times as she wants until the last man has passed by. If two or more of the women are interested in the same man, the tables turn and the man on the conveyor belt gets to choose which one he would like to wait for. After all 30 men have made it through the 'Conveyor Belt of Love,' each woman is left with her final choice as they embark on a date in the hope of finding a true connection.

So pretty much they've created a show that makes choosing a mate as much like a meat market as they can.  Seems to me that "Conveyor Belt of Love" could have been set in some sketchy night club with loud house music because the same type of shallow culture is perptuated there.

Yet this whole meat market concept sounds oddly familiar.  Oh yeah, it's called prostitution.  Isn't this the same thing men do when they go to brothels?  Then again I guess reality TV is the closest thing there is to legal prostitution.

Apparently ABC has not learned its lesson about reality shows like this.  It must have blocked out its short-lived 2003 reality show "Are You Hot" where a panel of judges including Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter and Randolph Duke evaluated contestants based on their physical attractiveness.

You're really gonna let the guy from Renegade judge you .

Lamas even used a laser pointer to highlight the flaws of contestants .  Of course, this was when he wasn't making inappropriate comments to "hot women" such as "Oh yeah, I want to take you backstage and do bad things to you."  It was an awful show, but the unintentional comedy of confident douchebags breaking down once they were judged not hot by the likes of Lamas was worth a viewing or two.

"Conveyor Belt of Love" isn't even going to offer that much entertainment so that's why it will be more of an epic fail.  Not to mention, I have a feeling that conveyor belt is going to be full of STDs as well.

Caveman Games

As one of my friends accurately put it "the best/worst game."  The Nintendo game focused on caveman competing in a series of athletic events that mimicked Olympic style events, but with the challenges of their prehistoric environment.

The game play and controls for this game were terrible.   The developers neglected to acknowledge that they made this game over-complicated for a system that only has a two-button controller.  The only thing that's more complicated and makes less sense is the TV show "Heroes."

Not to mention, the game doesn't come with any instructions for  game play despite the $50 that game probably cost.  It's like they want you to go crazy trying to figure it out.

The game consisted of six events: Dino Race, Dino Vault, Clubbing Fire Starting, Mate Toss, and Saber Race.  The Mate Toss was the best event by far while Clubbing and Fire Starting were decent, and the other three events were just awful.

Here's a breakdown of the events:


The Mate Toss
 An event similar to the hammer throw where a caveman would toss his wife as far as he could through the air. At first it was kind of hard to get down because you had to rotate the directional pad to get speed then get just the right angle on your throw for optimum distance, but eventually you would figure it out.

Prehistoric Domestic Violence

Although in retrospect, it seemed to encourage kids to take pleasure in the act of domestic violence.  Some of those kids (mainly the stupid ones who take cues from video games) probably carried this thought over to their adult life.  I bet Tiger's wife played this game because it sounds like what she did to him once she found out he has as many mistress as an NBA player.

Clubbing
Sorry Eurotrash people I don't mean that kind of clubbing so there's no techno music here.  Instead it was two caveman hitting each other with a club.  It was fun, but got boring after awhile.  Wow, Tiger's wife must have really played this game because this also sounds like something she did.

Firestarter
As The Prodigy once said "You are the firestarter" (Don't take that as an endorsement The Prodigy).  You rub sticks together and blow on smoke to get a fire going.  The first one to do this wins.

This is entertaining until you've almost got a fire started and the person you're competing with hits you which causes you to have to start again.  The hitting goes back and forth and eventually this game seems to last forever.
  
Saber Race
You mash a lot of buttons while trying to out run your competitor and a saber tooth tiger.  Plain and simple it's a shitty game.

Dino Vault and Dino Race

I put these two together not only because they both involve dinosaurs, but I also could never figure out how to do them correctly.  If I ever find the guy who created these games and how to play them,  I'll punch him in the face for wasting hours of my life.

The Dino Vault was exactly like the pole vault except it's cavemen trying to jump over a t-rex.   It was almost impossible to mash the buttons quickly enough to get the necessary speed and plant the stick in the right place for the vault.  I'm fairly certain I still couldn't do this now.

The Dino Race is the bane of my existence 

The Dino Race is by far the worst event in the game.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  You're  caveman riding a dinosaur who you're suppose to run and jump through a course.  I'd pound all the buttons and my stupid dinosaur would just stand there.  I'm getting angry now just thinking about it.  Whoever figures this game out deserves a Nobel Prize because chances are someone will figure out cold fusion before anyone discovers how to play the Dino Race.     

Find Your Digital Doppelganger

Mashable details a new facebook application provided by Coca-Cola called the Coke Zero Facial Profiler which tries to find your digital doppelganger through facebook.

I don't really support facebook applications, but this seems like something that would be pretty cool. I'd use it to find my doppelganger only so I could eliminate him.  Much like the Highlandler there can only be one of me. Of course, if he was a better version of me then chances are that he might kill me, but not if I find him first.

I'm just worried that much like Homer Simpson I'm going to get distracted by a puffy tailed dog instead.

James Lipton and Sexting

 

Never thought those two things would be associated with each other but they are.  James Lipton takes part in a PSA advising teenagers about the danger of sexting.  He even manages to make the word "junk" sound kind of dignified.

But I'm sure kids will continue to sext because they're pretty stupid and implying sex through technology is apparently much better than actually doing it.  I can't help think this idea was one geek's master plan to make himself seem cooler than he really was.

(Video isn't loading on home page for some reason but click read more and it's on that page.)


At this rate, the type of future presented in the movie "Demolition Man" doesn't seem as crazy as it once did.  A place where there's not physical touching so high fives are like this (skip to 1:11 in the video) and a version of sex based entirely on technology like this.

I should probably figure out how to use the three seashells  just in case.

Yeah, That is Disgusting

There's not much I can say about this story from London Telegraph as it really speaks for itself.  Let's just say that this guy enjoys manure way more than anybody should.

Although, I don't understand why the family would not charge this sicko for the use of their manure.  It's not like they're eating the manure or anything.  Secondly,  why doesn't this guy just get his own manure?  Hasn't this guy ever seen "Road Trip?"  If it's HIS manure, he can do anything he wants with it, no matter how weird and perverse it may be.

R. Kelly Just Wants to Get You Pregnant

R. Kelly has done it again.  This time he has a song called "Pregnant," and it's as bad as you think it is.

You really won't believe some of the lyrics here.  Nobody demeans women quite like Kelly as he describes meeting a woman at a club and croons "Never felt nothing like this,  she's more than a mistress, bout to handle my business then put that girl in my kitchen."

If that's not good enough, he pounds the point home with a chorus consisting of him singing " Girl you make me want to get you pregnant... Knock you up, knock you up."

Link to song after jump.

You can listen to it here.

 I'm sure there's several steps to Kelly getting a woman pregnant and his various songs and lyrics give us a hint about the process.  It's the "Ignition Remix" so he's probably out on the weekend having some fun at a "Fiesta Fiesta" when he sees you on the dance floor and starts "Feelin on yo Booty" because he says "I'm a Flirt." 

It's clear to him that "Your Body's Callin" so this leads to him taking you back to his room because it "Seems Like Your Ready" for a little "Bump and Grind."  Somehow you get "Trapped in the Closet" where you're like two gorillas in the jungle making love.  Finally that results in him "getting you pregnant."

Obviously you wouldn't be a woman, but an underage girl.  The only part I can't figure out is if the golden shower takes place before or after the getting you pregnant part.

Although I think Tracy Jordan of "30 Rock" best describes how R. Kelly wants to do it with this quote.

Kay This is Not How You Sell Jewelry

I can't believe this is a Kay Jewelers commercial because I thought for sure it was one for a horror or serial killer movie.  Maybe they should change their slogan to "every murder begins with Kay."

Nobody should trust this creepy sounding guy who just happens to take his girlfriend/wife up to a secluded cabin during a thunderstorm.  I'm sure it's just a coincidence that nobody can hear you scream up there too.


Although, it doesn't matter if he's clearly a psycho path or serial killer because he got her something from Kay and clearly that fixes everything.  Never mind, the weird shrine she found dedicated to her in his basement or that all his previous girlfriends mysteriously disappeared.  

The guy is about a second from going all Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" before the woman accepts his pledge of "always being there."  It's only then that he puts the knife behind his back away.

It's probably a good thing she didn't say, "What?  You didn't go to Jared?"  That wouldn't have ended well.

Sports Cameramen Kind of Racist

This has never made sense to me.  When a minority athlete is playing a sport, why does the cameraman always find a fan of the same minority group to focus on?  It's kind of offensive/racist.

The sport that's guilty of this more than any other is baseball.  A prime example are the at-bats of New York Yankees player Hideki Matsui.    The camera always manages to find some person of Asian decent to focus in on.  Even if there's only one in the whole crowd.


Most of the time it isn't a fan holding a sign for Matsui, but just a regular person who happens to be Asian.  It's like "Hey, there's an Asian fan and he must really be rooting hard for Matsui because they're alike."

It's unfair to make an assumption like that.  Also,  I don't see a cameraman immediately cutting to a fat fan or someone eating a sandwich when a fat guy is at-bat.

Although I'm sure Derek Jeter probably instructs cameramen to film all the hot chicks in the ballpark during his at-bats so he can decide which one he wants to plow (that's right, I said I was bringing "plow" back) after the game.

That's Not a Real Medical Condition

This is really weird, but the The London Telegraph reports that a 55-year-old Taiwanese man tricked up to 20 women into having sex with him in an elaborate scam where he posed as both a handsome young man and that man's ailing father.

Now you're probably thinking this must have been one brilliant guy to pull off a scheme like this, but you'd be wrong.  It's really just a case of 20 extremely stupid women.


Here's how he did it:

 By allegedly posting pictures online of a young male model that were suppose to him, he would get women to call him.  Once he had them on the phone, he would tell the women about his father who had a medical condition that required constant sex to stay alive.  After convincing them to have sex with the father, they would meet up with the "father" at a hotel.

These women didn't see anything wrong with this story?  Maybe they had family members that died from this debilitating condition that required constant sex.  Eastern medicine is suppose to be a little different, but not that different.

If this was a real condition,  there would be an awful lot of dead people.  Also, I think we already know what this guy's cure for constipation would be.

Clearly these women have had minimal social interaction, and would also like to see your trouser snake.  Even the worse, these women apparently agreed to whore themselves to some old man for free.  What normal guy would tell you that the way to his heart is having sex with his father?

Not only is that poor moral judgment, but also poor economics.  Although, now it makes a lot more sense why American men are always taking "business trips" to Asia.

Meep is Banned

Boston.com reports that a Massachusetts principle has banned the word "Meep" after students kept using it to interrupt school.  My first instinct is to say that these kids are awesome because this is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.  Just imagining teachers trying to talk and getting interrupted by "Meeps," cracks me up.


Not to mention that I support any use of Muppets or their sayings in the real world.  In fact, I think being a Muppet would be pretty sweet because you could just Muppet dance all the time.

Although, I'm gonna take away points from these students for organizing the activity on Facebook which isn't nearly as cool as doing by word of mouth.  As a reminder of how great Beaker is, here's him singing "Ode to Joy."

I Wanna Sex You Up

Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up

There aren't many things that embody the early 90s better than Color Me Badd and their song "I Wanna Sex You Up."  It has it all: cheesy 90s mustaches, bad clothing and outdated technology references.  In fact, Color Me Badd was clearly the inspiration for this classic video.

Watching the "I Wanna Sex You Up," video is always funny for numerous reasons.  First, it's clear that they just watched a bunch porn and modeled their video after it.  The whole video is them having sex with women in workplace environments while two women can't get enough of watching it all on video monitors or on their home TV.  Tell me, that's not something right out of porn.


Also, in the beginning of the video some woman randomly says, "Yes, I will watch my videocassettes."  Who the hell is she talking to or does she just like to announce everything she's about to do before she does it?  So maybe she did say, "Yes, I will watch the Color Me Badd video and rub my couch sexually during it."

Technically, the woman doesn't even say the line because all we see is the text.  I have two theories for this:  she must either be a pretty bad actress because they wouldn't let her say that line or she doesn't speaking English well.  It does kind of sound like something a person would say in broken English.

We haven't even gotten to how outdated the whole videocassettes line is, and the woman only makes it worse by saying "videocassettes" instead of "tape."  Is she sure she doesn't want to use her Betamax player too? 

There are some odd lyrics in the song too.   Color Me Badd sings at one point, "Let me take off all your clothes, disconnect the phone so nobody knows." I think he forgot to tell her to shut off her beeper as well.   It sounds kind of sketchy that a guy would want you to disconnect your phone.  Especially a guy who seems quite determined to "sex someone up."

Better yet, I'd like to see him try to tell a woman  to disconnect her phone now.   It would be like, "Ah yeah, it's not 1991 so I don't have a land line phone and I'm not shutting off my Iphone."

Another perplexing line from the song is "We can do it until we both wake up."  That kind of implies that they're having sleep while they're sleeping, which is just weird.  I didn't think that was possible, but the internet claims that sleep sex is real. 

Lastly, if I ever went up to a woman and told her "I wanna sex you up," I'm positive it wouldn't go as well as it did for Color Me Badd.  I'd probably get slapped, laughed at, emasculated, and never be able to show my face in that place again.  Although, on second thought maybe it's not such a bad idea...

Ian Mckellan Suffers with the Idiots on The View

Courtesy of the LA Times,  Ian Mckellan's painful experience on"The View" last week.  Mckellan appeared on the show to promote "The Prisoner,"  an upcoming AMC series that premiers on November 15th.

I thought I knew nothing about "The Prisoner" until someone explained the premise to me, and I realized "The Simpsons" had parodied it in a season 12 episode called "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes" (Sorry no clip because Hulu doesn't have it, and most other Simpsons clips don't work).  That only reinforces  my theory that everything in life can be related back to "The Simpsons," although I'll talk about that another time.

Video after the jump.


Anyway, the four woman on "The View" only reinforce the stupidity and tactless nature of the show.  They're ill-prepared as they do such things as promoting their views against national health care, incorrectly pronouncing Mckellan's "X-Men" character's name as "Mag-Netto" as well as idiotically asking Mckellan if he will reprise his role in the "Harry Potter" movies even though he's never been a part of the franchise.

He plays Gandolf in "The Lord of Rings" movies, but I guess the women on "The View" can't differentiate from two older British guys who happen to play wizards in movies.  Amazingly, Mckellan handles this situation with utmost poise, which only proves what a great actor he must be because I'm sure he wanted to slam all their faces into that coffee table.

Fabolous Ruined the Economy

The rapper Fabolous has a song  called "Throw it in the Bag" in which he boasts about having so much money that he doesn't need to look at the price so you can just throw it in the bag.  Really, Fabolous? You think it's a great idea to perpetuate the idea that it's cool to just buy whatever you want without looking at the tag?

 I think that's how we ruined the economy in the first place because people were buying tons of stuff they couldn't afford.  Now all these kids are going to think it will be cool to buy expensive things with no disregard for money.  Fabolous even says, "F**k the price just throw it in the bag."


Nobody should be taking financial advice from a guy that can't even spell fabulous correctly, and talks so slow that he needs five minutes to complete a sentence.  That's like asking Lindsey Lohan about good acting or anything about life.

Not to mention, if Fabolous keeps "throwing it in the bag" he's gonna end up as bankrupt as MC Hammer  without even a bag to throw stuff in.

Cheaters is Fake

Most likely you've at least heard of, if not seen the syndicated reality show "Cheaters."  Nobody really intends to watch "Cheaters," but it's 2 am, nothing else is on, and you're either too drunk, tired, or lazy to change the channel. 

Basically, a man or woman hires the show to conduct surveillance on their partner because they believe that he or she is cheating on them (of course they always are).   The real fun starts when sleazy host Johnny Grecco forces the client to watch video footage of the cheating, and pushes them to confront the cheater who gets caught in the act.  During this confrontation, Grecco further incites the situation by saying things such as " You're gonna let him/her treat you like this?" and other inflammatory remarks.

The conflict then devolves into a succession of expletives and physical violence that's quite entertaining (hey don't judge me, it's 2 am).  It's like a goldmine of late night television.

Well, all that is ruined now as the Hollywood Reporter details that "Inside Edition" found that at least two "Cheaters' episodes were scripted. One couple was paid to cheat and the show's most infamous moment, where Grecco allegedly got stabbed on a boat was staged.

Why "Cheaters?"  Why?  The show has such a low production quality that  I'm surprised it can even afford to pay people to pretend.  This isn't "The Hills" after all.  I feel cheated because the one amusing aspect of the show was that real people could be this crazy. I.think my feelings can best be described through this.

Now I might question if all those black people yelling "Yo, it's cheaters, it's cheaters," when a enraged women  confronted her boyfriend in the club was real. But I know that had to be authentic as you can't fake that type of enthusiasm.   In the beginning, the show was probably real because it seemed that people had no idea about their rights so their faces were never blurred or name bleeped.

Although the longer the show went on, you could see the show didn't feel as natural as every name and face was disguised along with a poorer quality of surveillance.  That was probably a good clue that it was fake, and staging a fake stabbing is just sad. I'm will to bet there were plenty of people who would have stabbed Grecco for fre

So long "Cheaters," I guess it's back to facebook and youtube for get my fill of dysfunctional relationships with irrational behavior.

Christopher Walken Does Lady Gaga's Poker Face

Oh yeah, it's just as amazing as you would think it would be.  The only way it could have been better was if Walken did this as well.  You have to give the British credit though,  they always seem to get celebrities to do more crazy stuff  than they usually do for us.  I think it's because they're constantly  encouraging guests to drink during their shows. 

Does this count as the second time a man has performed this song since nobody really knows what Lady Gaga is?  Although not current, this also would have been a good song for Walken to perform.

Pumpkin Dance

The Midwest must have a strange way of celebrating Halloween if this video from a Nebraska news station is any indication.  I find it more entertaining than I should, but in my defense it's hard to resist anything set to the Ghostbusters theme song.   You could stab me with a knife, and I'd be fine with it as long as it was set to that song.  Then again you might feel bad if I bleed out because then you'd be a murder.

Bad Video Games Endorsed by Athletes

Things were ridiculous in 80s and early 90s as athletes just got bags of money to endorse / throw their name on shitty video games.  The majority of these video games would not even have real players and teams as they just featured generic ones.   Of course, I always got tricked into buying most them until I finally learned better.

Here are a few of the worst:

John Elway's Quarterback

One of my first experiences that should have told me not to trust an athlete endorsed video game.  The game flat out sucked.  You were conveniently never told you couldn't use John Elway or that the game didn't have real teams or players.  Instead it was an impossible to play video game with some of the worst game play ever.  If I ever see John Elway, I'm gonna punch him in the face and get my money back.

Joe Montana Sports Talk Football

I probably should have learned not to trust blond, Hall of Fame bound NFL quarterbacks and their video games by this point, but I didn't.  Released in 1991 for Sega Genesis,  Joe Montana was the only real player in the game because it didn't procure team licenses from the NFL.  Instead it featured teams named after cities, and naturally Joe Montana was the best player in the game as he threw for 500 yards at will.  Not to mention, the announcer sounded like the voice from Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" and always lagged behind game play.  About 5 minutes after you scored, it would say, "Wow, what a touchdown.  I can't believe it."  Here's an example.

Magic Johnson's Fast Break

Honestly, one of the biggest let downs of my life.  I trusted Magic and he screwed me over.  The game released by Tradewest in 1990, features the worst graphics and game play I have ever seen in a video game.  Look at this.  It's clear that Tradewest just dumped bags of money on Magic's lawn, and Magic agreed to slap his name on this awful game.  Obviously, Magic's unprotected sex with numerous women allowed him to contract HIV,  but the bad karma from this game probably didn't help.   The only way I can even justify this purchase is if he used some of that money to find his secret cure to HIV.

David Robinson's Supreme Court

Another really bad game for Sega Genesis released in 1992.  He's another athlete you'd expect to be better than this because he was in the Navy,  but like the others he placed his good name on an inferior video game for money.  Robinson isn't even in the video game as it's stocked with fictional teams and players.   His nickname the "The Admiral" holds true because he's the Admiral of an awful game.

James "Buster" Douglas Knockout Boxing

Buster Douglas is the worst athlete to ever have a video game.  The closest thing in sports you'll ever find to a one-hit wonder getting his own video game.  Even I wasn't stupid enough to buy this game.  Sega just took an existing boxing game called "Final Blow," and changed the name of the game and a game character's name to Buster Douglas.  They did this to capitalize on Douglas knocking out Tyson in 1990.

Stalker Songs

Michelle Branch in the middle of stalking

I was going to do my own top 10 list of stalker songs but this article already does a pretty good job as it features more than a few songs I would have selected.  So instead I'll just mention some more songs in no particular order that I think sound stalkerish.

 Radiohead -  "Creep"

Most Radiohead songs are creepy to begin with, but this one definitely has stalker undertones in it.  Then consider the lyrics "I wish I was special, You're so f***ing special."   I could definitely see a young Thom Yorke hiding behind some bushes as he stalks some girl.

Michelle Branch - "Everywhere"

At first this doesn't really seem like one but listen closer.  She professing her love for a guy that's either not real or doesn't reciprocate her feelings.  She even says  "And when I catch my breath, it's you I breathe."  There's a good chance she might bash your head in with her guitar if you reject her advances.

Weezer -  "Across the Sea"

There's a strong case for a few songs on Weezer's darker "Pinkerton " album, although Rivers Cuomo's song about his obsession with an 18 year-old Japanese girl is the creepiest.  Further proof is that he also has to keep reminding himself how wrong it is.

Death Cab for Cutie - "I Will Follow You into the Dark"

Let's be honest, almost every song by them can come off as stalker like because they straddle the line between emotional guys and crazy guys that keep following you around.   If somebody's talking about following you into the dark along with you dying, that's usually a bad thing.  Set it to a nice calming melody and nobody seems to mind.

The Cardigans - Lovefool

A song for the high energy stalker who seems normal at first then goes crazy when she gets dumped.  Behind this pop beat is a desperate woman pleading "Love me, love me,  I know that you need me, I can't care about anything but you."

 Coldplay - "Shiver"

Anybody who names their child Apple has to be a little off anyway.  Chris Martin has described it as something like a "stalking song" because he admits it was written for a specific woman.  The song even dares the woman to get a restraining order by saying, "From the moment I wake; to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me." 

Piebald -  "The Stalker"

A lesser known group that just comes right out with the fact that the song is about stalking.  You at least have to respect the honesty and lines such as "I'll be in every smokey corner you've seen, counting your drinks." 

George Harrison -  "I Got My Mind Set On You"

Maybe it's borderline, but anytime you're singing about having your mind set on someone that doesn't want you yet in front of a fireplace,  I think that's in the stalking neighborhood.  Furthermore, the song proclaims "It's gonna take patience and time,  to do it..., to do it right."   Is it a coincidence that these are the very same attributes necessary to do stalking right?  I think not.

LL Cool J - "Hey Lover"

LL's habit of constantly rubbing his hands and licking his lips when he sees women certainly doesn't help his case here.   Any doubt about the song's stalker intentions are cleared up within the first two lines as the guy from Boyz II Men with the deep voice says,  "I've been watchin' you from afar,  for as long as I can remember. "

Londonbeat - "I've Been Thinking About You"

Just watch the video and you'll understand.  It's clear that that no woman would willingly enter into a relationship any one of those guys.  In fact, they probably made this video to send to the woman because it looks like it was produced in one of those places in the late 80s and early 90s where you could make your own music video.

That's my list of stalker songs, and keep in mind that Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" has been excluded because it's so commonly used in Geico commercials.    Feel free to suggest any good songs you can think of, or that I failed to mention.

Luke Skywalker Should Have Known Better

I apologize because I'm going nerd alert in this post.  It's the part of "Star Wars" that everybody likes to forget because it's uncomfortable to think about.  If  Luke Skywalker was such a great Jedi,  then why didn't he realize he was kissing his sister Princess Leia?  Even knowing just a little bit of the Force should have told him that.


I've heard the argument that maybe he was attracted to Leia because he sensed the Force in her.  I don't buy it.  If that's true, he also should have realized it was his sister.  Yeah he's still training as a Jedi at this point, but come on.  I bet Luke did already know, although he was so desperate from his lack of action on Tatooween that he ignored it.

Yoda and Obi-Wan did him no favors though.  Despite knowing that Luke and Leia were working together, they still waited to tell him him the truth.  I think they could have stopped Luke's Jedi training for a second to mention that important fact. 

What's even worse is that Luke doesn't seem too bothered when he learns that Leia is his sister.  It's just like oh well these things happens.  That's just messed up.  At the very least, he should have gone into exile Yoda style once he realized what he had done.  Being a Jedi doesn't put you above the laws of decency.

Although. it's possible that Luke used the Jedi mind trick to make himself and everyone else forget about the incest.  Too bad he can't make us forget his transgression .

Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs

Well, Australia has done it again.  Offending people must be some sort of national past time there.  As explained by the London Telegraph (I swear I read other stuff, but they always seem to have interesting things), an Australian beer company's  provocative advertisement featuring Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs in a bed together has angered Disney.


It didn't just stop with renaming Snow White to Ho White as it also changed the names of dwarfs Sleepy, Happy and Doc to Filthy, Smarmy and Randy - allegedly to characterize different type of drinkers. 

This was all in an attempt to demonstrate to drinkers that their new fruit- flavored beer was "anything but sweet."

What were they thinking?  Oh yeah, this is really gonna hit that demographic that loves midget porn and fairy tales.  It's pretty creepy too.  I think the only people who think of a fairy tale character in a sexual way are perverts that you should probably keep your children away from.

Not exactly the best ad for a beer that hopes to target women either.  It says, "Hey remember Snow White?  Well after drinking too much of our beer, you can be the slutty version that wakes up with seven strange men and several STDS."

I guess the company did accomplish its goal as it got much more publicity with the ad than it normally would have, but more importantly we know that sexual predators have a new favorite beer.

Rio de Janeiro Just like Grand Theft Auto Video Games

I thought drug dealers only shot down police helicopters in video games, but as the London Telegraph reports, I was wrong.  Apparently this happens in the streets of Rio de Janeiro as well.

The helicopter was called in to stop a turf war between two rival drug gangs.  When the helicopter crashed,  the situation only got worse as the police struggled to contain violence on the streets which included gunshots and Molotov cocktails.

Video after the jump.



Chicago was passed over for the 2016 Olympics for a city that's the real life equivalent of a Grand Theft Auto video game.  It's eerie how similar the violence in Rio de Janeiro is to the the video game.  Check it out below (there's music so turn down the volume before you view it).

 

I only know the Rio de Janeiro incident is not a video game because my friend isn't nearly failing out of college as he spends all his time playing Grand Theft Auto instead of going to class.

Let's look on the bright side though, the Olympics could be more exciting in Rio de Janeiro.  As part of the steeplechase competitors may have to jump over the downed police helicopter, Molotov cocktail a bus and in the homestretch they're not safe until they avoid a hail of gun shots from rival drug gangs.

The Douchebag App

 

Leave it to AMP Energy to come out with the douchiest Iphone application yet.  The London Telegraph reports that their AMP UP Before You Score app provides pick-up lines designed to help men plow (that's right I'm bringing it back) 24 different types of women including foreign exchange students, college girls, and punk girls.


Even better it encourages users to share the details of their sexual conquests with friends online.  The app description says, "Get lucky?  Add her to your Brag List.  You can record the name, date, and what ever details you remember," and adds "Keep your buddies in the loop on email, Facebook or Twitter."

Where to start?  Anybody who is drinking any kind of energy drink is probably that annoying douchebag / frat boy with spiked hair who everybody hates because he's always exaggerating his sexual exploits in graphic detail that nobody wants to hear.

Then take into account that AMP Energy is like the homeless man's energy drink since it's pretty much Mountain Dew in energy drink form.  The only thing thing possibly worse than AMP would be piss in a can aka Mellow Yello.

Chances are that anybody drinking AMP isn't getting any to begin with, but if this app helps them get some then they're in trouble.  A girl that falls for any of this crap will most likely be a walking cesspool of STDs.  

It's also very likely a girl is going to find the list on the phone.  Then she'll tell everybody she knows,  and you might as well call it the cock block list as everybody on every social media website will know how much of a manwhore you are.

The most convincing argument for not using the AMP app is the Don Draper one.  If anybody needs a brag list, it would be Don Draper from "Mad Men," but he doesn't use one.  I mean he even pulled off the Spanish Stare in a restaurant.  Draper knows it much better to keep one in his head because a physical list or evidence makes it easier to get caught for indescritions.

If it's not good enough for Draper for a ladies man to use, then it's not good enough for anyone.  

Tim Tebow Over Hyped

For awhile I thought I hated University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow until I realized something:  it's really the god like image of Tebow perpetuated by his fans and the media that I hate. 

The best comparison to Tebow fans and supporters would be Dave Matthews Band fans.  It's almost impossible to convince a DMB fan that every single song the band made isn't a piece of musical genius.  Their constant touting of the band makes you hate DMB by association even if you didn't hate DMB to begin with.

Tebow fans and the media do the same exact thing.  They want us all to believe that Tebow descended from heaven to grace us with his superhuman skills. 

Florida's coach Urban Meyer might promote this belief more than anyone else.  He does all he can to reinforce this image of Tebow as a cult figure.  Maybe he doesn't realize this, but just because his first name is Urban, doesn't mean he has the authority to crown religious figures like a pope.

It's funny because Tebow couldn't be more humble about his skills and accomplishments so it's not like he encourages this image of himself.     

There is no doubt that Tebow has had a successful college career so far.  He contributed as a part-time player to Florida's 2006 national championship his freshman year, and as the starting quarterback the next season , he became the first underclassman  to win the Heisman Trophy while scoring 55 touchdowns.  In his junior year, Tebow led the Gators to their second national championship in three years. 

Just calling Tebow a great quarterback is not enough for his backers.  Besides, they claim it's really his uncanny leadership and ability to will his team to victory that sets him apart.  If I took these people at their word, I'd probably believe that Tebow could end this recession or tensions in the Middle East through sheer power of will because once he puts his mind on something he's unstoppable. 

Let's not forget it's easier to will a team to victory when you're surrounded with a team as talented as the Florida Gators.  A soft out of conference schedule doesn't hurt either.  Tebow won't be the first or the last college quarterback to inspire a team to victory.

It's like the difference between a normal guy trying to date a supermodel and Derek Jeter trying to date a supermodel.  The normal guy probably wants it more, but it's much easier for Jeter because of his star status.

Tebow's worshipers also fail to acknowledge that despite his ability to run and pass, he possesses at best an average arm and running skills that aren't as rare as they believe.  Consciously or subconsciously,  people are giving Tebow more credit for his skills as a running quarterback because he's white.

How quickly they forget Tony Rice, the African-American quarterback of Notre Dame's undefeated national championship team in 1988. If anything, Rice was Tebow before Tebow as he was virtually unstoppable on the ground or through the air.

He even did something that Tebow hasn't done yet, which is lead his team to an undefeated season.  Other comparable quarterbacks to Tebow are former Nebraska option quarterback and 2001 Heisman Trophy winner Eric Crouch, and former West Virgina quarterback Pat White.

I'll never like or agree with people's belief that Tebow is god in a football uniform, but I can appreciate that he's a really good college football player that through no fault of his own has been over hyped.




  

Uh Australia You Can't Do Blackface

I'm not entirely sure that Australia knows what decade this is.  On an Australian variety show,  a group calling themselves the Jackson Jive performed in blackface as they parodied the Jackson Five.  CNN article goes into more detail.

Nobody seemed to notice it was wrong until guest judge Harry Connick Jr. pointed out how offensive it was.  Even worse it was suppose to be viewed as tribute to Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five.  That's like saying blasting African-Americans with a water hose is a tribute to civil rights. 

Is Australia as up to date on race relations as Eastern Europe is on popular American music?  I think 80s icon El DeBarge is still big in Eastern Europe.  Likewise,  it must take Australia decades longer to catch up to the rest of the world's standards on issues of race.


This may be the case as it appears that blackface with jive talking is still something that's suppose to be funny in Australia.  Hey, don't forget that Crocodile Dundee asked Reginald VelJohnson aka Carl Winslow what tribe he was from in the first "Crocodile Dundee."

All this only increases my suspicion that Australia is exactly as depicted by "The Simpsons."  Right down to the knifey-spoon game.

Entertaining Internet Videos

Courtesy of the London Telegraph, here are 15 entertaining internet videos featuring optical and audio illusions.  Why? Because it gives you something to do at work besides work.

The most entertaining video on this list is the right brain vs. left brain test.  The way you see the dancer spin determines which side of your brain is more dominant.  If you see the dancer spinning anti-clockwise, then you favor the left side of your brain and vice versa.    The dancer video is after the jump.




Another good one is number seven video on the list, which tricks your eyes into seeing a black and white image of a castle in color.

The View-Master so Awesome

It's such a simple toy, yet so awesome.  I wish I still owned the View-Master that I had as a kid because I'd view the crap out of it.

The View-Master wasn't originally a toy though, it was created as a means for people to view tourist attractions in color and 3-D.  The US military even used it to train personnel during the early 1940s.

If you're not familiar with the View-Master,  it is a toy similar to binoculars that you load with a paper disc full of seven images which you can then view in 3-D.  A bunch of cartoon discs such as "Masters of the Universe," "Charlie Brown," and Disney characters were available as well as discs featuring scenes from television shows.  Here's an 80s commercial for it.


Okay, maybe that doesn't sound all that great now, but it was.  The internet wasn't around to constantly entertain us so you had to entertain yourself.  The View-Master was like virtual insanity before Jamiroquai made it all creepy and weird.  There's a reason you don't see any women in Jamiroqui's virtual insanity apartment.  

Although View-Master disc images always seemed to turn red, which meant you couldn't view them anymore.   Of course, this only reinforced the genius of the product.  You had to keep begging your parents to buy new discs to keep the View-Master experience entertaining.

In a twisted way it was the equivalent of drug addiction for children.  They had to keep getting that "high" or good experience by viewing new discs.  I guess that would make parents the drug pushers, which kind of makes sense because they both won't hesitate to punish you, if you step out of line.

The View-Master is still sold today, but it looks more like a lame children's toy.  There's also a View-Master movie in development by Dreamworks who claim it will be in the vein of "Goonies."   I don't know how well that's going to work out, and in case it sucks like "Jumanji," don't let it influence the greatness of the View-Master.

Fox I Know What You're Doing

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Fox has created a computer application called Virtual Echo for fans of the TV show "Dollhouse"  with Eliza Dushku's character Echo that  "entertains and interacts with the user." Are you serious Fox?   You're not fooling anyone with this.


Plain and simple they've created a  "Dollhouse" masturabatory tool for nerds that watch the show (I not saying that only nerds watch the show. I'm referring to actual nerds).  Oh yeah, it also allows "Dollhouse" fans to get the latest news on the show, but we all know that's just a weak attempt to cover up the true nature of this application.

Don't believe me.  Just look at how the marketing company that made this application describes it:

Desktop Echo, which turns any computer screen into Echo’s playground. Watch Echo walk onto your desktop as she switches between her different personas, including dream date, hostage negotiator and assassin. Fans may leave the application running to be surprised as Echo displays her many special talents.

-- Augmented Reality Echo, which allows users to expand the Echo experience using augmented-reality (AR) technology. Simply print out the AR card with the special DOLLHOUSE symbol or “glyph,” aim it at the computer’s webcam and bring Echo to life by moving the card. Then use the arrow keys to choose between her different avatars.

Now tell me that doesn't sound like an advertisement for some porn web cam.  You're suppose to watch Echo as she "displays her many special talents," and Augmented Reality uses your web cam to make it seem like she's actually in your room. 

I thought "Dollhouse" was trying to attract more viewers, but this is only going to cause them to lose viewership as fans will spend their time on the computer doing something else.

Sesame Street Does Mad Men

Two of my favorite things together at last: Muppets and "Mad Men."  Somebody call Zack Morris because I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared. 

Considering Sesame Street's content limitations, they do a pretty good job with the parody.  Although it would have been cool if the Muppets were drinking cranberry juice or orange juice as a substitute for the scotch "Mad Men" characters always have in their hand.  Then again I'm not a puppeteer so I don't know how hard it is to make a Muppet hold a glass.

I wonder if the Muppet version of Betty Draper is just as mean to her kids.

More importantly, we learned that even a children's program can make a funnier  "Mad Men" parody than Saturday Night Live.

National Stereotypes Aren't Going Away

If you were afraid that national stereotypes had become less common these days, don't worry they've just gone online.  According to this London Telegraph article, people are searching Google to get answers to stereotypes such as British people having bad teeth, French people smelling bad, and American women being easy.

Make sure you look at all the pages of stereotypes because a lot of them are pretty bizarre and outdated.  I don't know what American women did to the rest of the world, but they really seem to get a bad reputation.  See.  Although, I have to imagine that going to other countries to get their groove back with strange men and falling for any man with an accent contributed vastly to the image of American women as easy.

Stop Telling Me What to Do Hilary Duff

Random people don't get to tell me what to do so forget a C list actress trying to.  I'm not even sure this is really a PSA.  Hilary Duff was probably pretending to shop for 15 minutes hoping someone would finally recognize her, and when that didn't happen she pretended to be offended by someone saying "gay" just so they'd have to pay attention to her.



The PSA doesn't make a ton of sense because I've never heard a girl refer to clothing as gay unless it really does make someone look homosexual.  Although Maybe Duff is right, we should replace "that's so gay" with something else.  How about that's so Hilary Duff.  It's already synonymous with bad acting and bad movies so it's a natural transition.   For example, this PSA is so Hilary Duff.

Now the Wanda Sykes one is how you get the message across.  She serves that kid so hard that I thought this was trailer for the straight to DVD sequel of "You Got Served."

Bad Ronald Still Sucks

 
[Bad Ronald] - Let's Begin (Shoot the Shit)

If you do remember Bad Ronald, I feel sorry for you because you're taking up valuable brain space with something you're better off forgetting.  For those of you who don't, they were a rap-rock group consisting of three MCs (Ray, White Owl and Kaz Gamble) and DJ Deetlax whose only notable song was "Let's Begin" in 2001.  I was going to call it a hit song, but I don't even think it did well enough to be considered one.

After watching this video, it's clear that these guys were awful to begin with and only get worse with age.  It's so bad You Tube doesn't have the video.  Just look at these lyrics.  They can't even make the excuse that it was the 90s because it wasn't.    There's only one reason Bad Ronald was remotely successful: college kids.

I'm sure it became a party anthem for many college kids when they were like "Hey, they're talking about stuff we're doing.  That's awesome."  Let's call this the "Bad Ronald Effect." Although as soon they left college or got older,  they realized how much the song sucked which is why Bad Ronald flamed out so quickly.

A more contemporary example of the "Bad Ronald Effect" is Asher Roth and his song "I Love College."   Only people in high school and college don't realize he sucks because he's describing stuff they do or want to do.  Too bad Roth didn't have time to study history in between repeating cliches about college because he's about to be as forgettable as Bad Ronald.

Supercats

I thought a Super Cat was only the Jamaican reggae artist that collaborated on Sugar Ray's hit song "Fly,"  but I was wrong.  Apparently people think it's a great idea to crossbreed domestic cats with wild cats from Africa or South America to create so called supercats.

According to a London Telegraph article,  the most popular breed is called a savannah.  It is bred from a serval,  cheetah-like wildcat found in Africa that can grow three times larger than a domestic cat, jump 7 ft vertically and run at a top speed of 50 mph.



Clearly that sounds like the perfect pet to have in your house, but it gets better.  Without 24/7 care for the first couple of weeks they could turn feral, and it's not really safe to leave them alone with any child under five.

Only an idiot would own one of these cats.  If you're lucky the supercat will just mess up your place, instead of trying to attack you because you took away its favorite toy.

Just creating a supercat sounds like animal abuse.  I don't even want to know how you get a large wildcat and domestic cat to breed with each other.  Does the regular cat even survive that?

We shouldn't really be surprised that many savannahs were bred in the United States in the 80s.  Some coked out business guy was probably like "it would be so rad if you could combine a domestic cat with a wildcat to make a pet."

More importantly, we need to keep an eye on Michael Vick because as far as I know there isn't any law against supercat fighting or supercat vs. dog fighting.

Local Natives

I slacked on a Friday post so I'll make it up with a rare Saturday one telling you about a cool band called Local Natives. They're an unsigned LA band that I've been listening to a lot, but I only found out about them when someone else who saw Local Natives live gave me their five track "Daytrotter EP."

The standout song on this EP is the song "Airplanes."  You may have unknowingly heard it before because it was used on the TV show "Chuck" last season.   A BBC Radio One performance of this song is featured below.



The rest of the EP is good as well including my second favorite song on it "World News."  They've completed a full length album "Gorilla Manor," but I'm not really sure if that's readily available yet. Although you can download most of the tracks on the "Daytrotter EP" from here or listen to them on the Local Natives myspace page.

Intervention

By now I'm sure you've at least heard of the A&E show "Intervention." even if you have not watched it. The show airs on Mondays at 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm.  Each episode documents one or two people who suffer from an addiction of some kind and believe they are participating in a documentary about their problem.  But in reality they are being filmed for the impending intervention that their friends/family are planning with a professional interventionist.



How can these people always fall for the documentary ploy?  Honestly, I really don't know.  I think it's just like the road runner and the coyote.  The coyote is always going to lose.  Not to mention, he's addicted to his pursuit of catching the road runner   The show is more than just your standard drug and alcohol addictions too.   Some of the best ones were the genius that was addicted to DXM (the stuff in cold medicines like robitussin), the teenager with the video game addiction, and the girl that got high off electronic cleaner.

Coincidently they also provided some of the best moments like the guy on DXM getting his backpack taken by a pimp when he couldn't pay a hooker (skip head to 3:07 to see it), and the video game addict pretty much getting bribed with sex (think it's around 7:00 minute mark) by his friend (a girl) to go to treatment.

Every episode always starts out with background on a person and how they became an addict.  Of course, it's almost always the same type of people.   If your parents didn't believe you or pretended like the time you were abused, raped, or molested never happened or they got divorced then there's a 99% chance you're on "Intervention."   A lot of it comes down to shitty parenting, but then there's the other 1% that just create a traumatic experience out of a minor life event like I found out Santa Claus wasn't real or Tommy Mctommerson said I smelled in the second grade.

Eventually they get to the intervention which is really entertaining.  Some people just start flipping their shit as soon as they realize they have been tricked.  Most times they get calmed down to get the intervention started.  Then family and friends detail the negative effects the person's addiction has had on them and offer consequences if the person doesn't go to treatment.

My problem with this step is that family and friends are always reading off a script of "your addiction has affected me in the following ways... if you don't accept this help our relationship will change in the following ways."  So let me get this straight, you care about me so much that you can't even take the time to think of something original to say so you need to read something off a piece of paper.  The best response I've ever seen to this was a stripper/meth addict who said, "So what, I wish I had a pile of meth to snort right now, but it ain't gonna happen."

The key to the success of the intervention is usually the interventionist that the show deploys.  They usually rotate three of them, although the best one by far is Jeff VanVonderson.  This guy's like the Mariano Rivera of interventions.  He's always closes the deal, and better yet he describes how he's going to get the person into accepting treatment each time.  I'm pretty sure he could convince you and me that we needed an invention even if we didn't.  He's just that good.  Much like He-Man's sword, I think VanVonderson's mustache gives him secret intervention powers.

It's always nice to see people accept treatment and become rehabilitated.  Especially since I can then justify enjoying the show because it's helping people.

Secretly I'm hoping I get to be a part of an intervention at some point.  Don't worry though, I'm not wishing that any of my friends or family have serious drugs problems or anything like that.  Although please remember, it's not my fault that you thought that the mound of white stuff at the party was a new kind of Splenda.  Where would you even get a crazy idea like that?

People keep telling me that I might need an intervention for how much I like "Intervention."  Just know that if you don't get more than three people for my intervention than you're gonna need another invention for how upset I'll be about the lack of people at my original one.

Michael Vick needs Air Bud

With Michael Vick getting very close to being reinstated for regular season action, I think we still have to make sure that he's truly changed. That's why the Philadelphia Eagles need to sign star athlete/Golden Retriever Air Bud as a wide receiver. Now obviously there's no way in hell a dog could ever play football because it couldn't run routes, catch the ball and would probably try to bite anyone who tried to tackle it. But let's be as naive as the Disney movie "Air Bud: Golden Receiver," and somehow pretend that a dog can do all that.

Once Air Bud drops an easy pass or runs the wrong route, we would really see how rehabilitated Vick is. If Vick starts maliciously whipping balls at Air Bud, needs teammates to restrain him from physically harming Air Bud, or tells Air Bud that he knows how to deal with bad dogs then we'd know that Vick hasn't changed. Although, who really wouldn't be upset about having a dog as a wide receiver? So maybe that's not a good test after all.

T-Pain's Miami Dolphins Fight Song

I had no idea this existed until a friend informed me that T-Pain made a fight song for the Miami Dolphins.  It's a surprisingly catchy song considering it was made by T-Pain and involved Pitbull (I could go on about how much Pitbull and Reggaeton suck, but I think F minus sums those two things up best).  Then I discovered that I was giving T-Pain too much credit.



He only updated the original song that some guy named Lee Ofman wrote and composed before the Dolphins' historic 1972 season when they went undefeated on their way to a NFL championship.  I should have known T-Pain couldn't have written something this simple because clearly the first thing he would have done is mention the cheerleaders.  I mean this is a guy who says he fell in love with a stripper.

So in reality T-Pain did nothing more than add Auto-Tune to the original song, but now this all makes sense.  Of course, T-Pain was the person who had to update the song because he shares a common bond with the Dolphins.  Both of them used gimmicks to cultivate their success.  T-Pain employed Auto-Tune in his songs to become a star while the Dolphins used the Wildcat offensive to unexpectedly win the AFC East and make the playoffs last season.

I still think the best NFL fight song is the San Diego Chargers' disco themed "San Diego Super Chargers."  A close second is what should be Cleveland's unofficial fight song (There's a swear or two so maybe don't click this at work).

Mad Men Parody Video

I like "Mad Men' as much as the next person, but this video by the comedy troupe Landline is pretty amusing. Know how I know "Saturday Night Live sucks?" A random comedy troupe can make a better "Mad Men" sketch in 60 seconds without John Hamm than "SNL" can in a five minute sketch with John Hamm.

The Straight Asian Fastball

Pictured Hideo Nomo

"The Straight Asian fastball" is not a derogatory race thing, but instead a phenomenon associated with pitchers of Asian decent in Major League Baseball.  A lot of pitchers from Japan, Korea, China, and Taiwan struggle in MLB because they throw a fastball that lacks sufficient movement to get batters out.  It's the reason pitchers like Tomo Ohka and Sun-Woo Kim never lived up to their billings as prospects. I don't care how fast a pitcher throws, if the ball travels straight as an arrow then a Major League hitter will hammer it.



This type of fastball is not exclusive to just Asian pitchers as white pitchers such as former Blue Jays closer Billy Koch and Red Sox starter  Clay Buchholz possess fastballs like this.  In fact, Koch was a dominating closer for a year or two before hitters adjusted to the speed of his 100 mph fastball, and with little movement on the pitch, batters crushed it.

For some reason, the two seam fastball and cutter don't seem to be pitches that are routinely taught in Asian countries as they are in other ones.  These two pitches possess side to side movement that makes them very effective in the Major Leagues, which is why some of the best pitchers use them.  Without these pitches, Asian pitchers are immediately at a disadvantage because they only have the four seam fastball, and possibly because they practice and work so hard at perfecting pitching, it goes exactly where it looks like it will go.

It's like trying to watch "The Real World" after so many seasons.  You know what is going to happen each season: there will be a gay roommate, lots of alcohol, idiotic drunk behavior, a house hook up gone wrong, and of course racial tensions.

Japanese pitchers will commonly throw a fork ball to counteract the fastball, but if the hitter recognizes the fork ball and lays off the pitch then he can sit on the fastball.  Think about the most successful Asian pitchers in MLB and you'll realize most of them come out the bullpen.  That's because they see less batters and are more likely to get away with mistakes.

Former Mariners reliever Shigetoshi Hasegawa, former Mariners closer Kazuhiro Sasaki, and former Dodgers closer and current Red Sox reliever Takashi Saito represent some of the most successful Japanese pitchers in MLB.

It's comparable to the teen celebrity effect.  At first teen celebrities have all this fan fare and seem so great, but after while we discover that they have flaws.  Then we get so saturated with media coverage of them that by their 20s they aren't considered special or interesting anymore.

Converesely few Asian starting pitchers have enjoyed success.  Even if they do in the beginning, it's fleeting as they struggle after a few seasons.  Hideo Nomo's intial star burned out as batters figured out his deceptive wind up, and Yankees starter Chien-Ming Wang succeeded because of the great movement on his sinker ball, but he's pitched poorly since he lost the feel for it.  Even Dice-K who throws a two seam fastball gets hammered due to his lack of command for it.

Next time your team has a highly touted pitching prospect don't get too excited until you find out if he has the Straight Asian fastball or not.