The Nightlife with Nick Cannon

I stumbled across "The Nightlife" a few nights ago while flipping through the channels.  The sight of Nick Cannon DJing  stopped me in my tracks.

I forgot he even existed.  The next logical question was who the hell would pay him to DJ anything besides a junior high dance?  Then I realized this show was on Teen Nick so I was close.

The smart thing would've been to change the channel but if I had, then I wouldn't be writing this right now.

Eventually I found out what the "The Nightlife" is.

It's really just a bad combination of "The Grind,""Soul Train," and "American Bandstand."

As well as a strong indication that America's future is bleak.  Kids really are getting dumber.

It features teenagers and hired dancers dancing in a studio to popular music that Cannon plays while the song's music video is on a big screen TV and has a live musical performance at the end.

Parents, not a great idea to let your teenage daughters be here.  You really want them near Cannon, the one night a week that Mariah Carey lets him be around people closer to 20 than 40?

Ready to Wild Out with Teenagers

Oh and Cannon is suppose to keep you up to date on the latest in style, music, and dance which he does with the help of his two teenage co hosts who just happen to be on his record label. Well this is how they put:



The male co-host goes by the absurd name of Aaron Fresh, and I can only assume he does because he thinks he's so fresh.  This kid couldn't be trying any harder to be the black Justin Bieber.

He should know better though.  There will never be a black Bieber because no black kid can pull off the Bieber bowl cut.

Your world would so be my world
 if I had a bowl cut

And just when you think this show can't get any worse, it ends with a contrived dance circle that rips off  "Dance 360" as Cannon awkwardly cheers on a hired dancer who dances in the middle.

No wonder Cannon's acting career is nonexistent, he can't even sell that he's enjoying this dance circle.

The only solace I can take is that maybe Kel watched this, flipped out, and is actively plotting his revenge.

iSafe Bag Commercial

I hate to break this to Holly Robinson-Peete but I think she made a bad investment with isafe bags.  If she continued to hang with Mr. Cooper, she wouldn't need one.

Unless he went crazy and that's the reason she needs the bag.

A bag with a crappy alarm on it isn't going to stop bullying, pedophiles or creepy guys.  These examples of the situations don't help sell the bag either.

If anything, the isafe bag is only going to motivate people to beat you up even more.  They'll just know to take your bag before they kick your ass.

Imagine if Daniel Russo had an isafe bag, he wouldn't have had to go through all that trouble of learning karate to defend himself.  "The Karate Kid" would have been a totally different movie.

                               Forget the Crane kick, get me an isafe bag.

Then the pedophile guy is the worst pedophile ever.  He's gotta step up his game.

He doesn't even have a white van, he uses a white Jeep.  They're not interchangeable, everybody knows that.  A white van says, "I'm sexual predator, hear me roar."

Doesn't this guy watch SVU?  You're suppose to lure people to your van with puppies or candy.

You could pay $59.99 for an isafe bag or get a bag that doesn't make you a target of ridicule.  I'm pretty sure this is what actually happens when you try to use an isafe bag:

What is Pretty Boy Swag?

Leave it to Soulja Boy to sound like Stevie from "Malcolm in the Middle" and think it's cool.  Maybe that's just his reading speed though.

I don't know what "Pretty Boy Swag" is, but based on this video it seems to be very similar to the "Down- Low" lifestyle.

Although he raps about women, there is only one woman in the video and he's constantly surrounded by guys.

Sounds like someone's in pretty boy denial.  Is he sure it's not raining men instead?

Oh and I don't know if Soulja Boy made it clear, but girls are on his dick.  I didn't hear him the first 25 times he said it.

It doesn't help Soulja Boy's case that he sounds like a 13-year-old kid at summer camp boasting about the sexual experience he had with a mythical girl in Canada.

As if you need anymore evidence to what  "Pretty Boy Swag" is all about,  his use of "no homo" confirms it.

Anybody who says that, is obviously so insecure about his sexual orientation that he has to emphatically proclaim when stuff isn't gay.

Wait, was this whole video just a pretty boy swag pride parade?

Yahoo Answers: Where Stupid People Go

I'm sure at some point, maybe two seconds after it launched, Yahoo Answers served an intelligent purpose.  But now, it's a magnet for some of the stupidest and weirdest people on the internet.

This blog from geekologie only reinforces it.   I can't believe people this idiotic exist or that they figured out how to use the internet.

But my everyday experience with people, only proves that they do.

My favorite is the 14-year-old girl who wants advice on how to trick the most popular guy in school into getting her pregnant.  She's really into that poking holes in condoms idea.

Don't know about you, but this sounds like the plot to the next hit ABC Family show to me.

Hey maybe if the guy who complains about girls not talking to him on Facebook gets cooler then he can kill two birds with one stone.

Too bad it's not 1999 though, all these people could Ask Jeeves these questions.

Zubaz Pants

Nothing says early 90s like Zubaz.  These zebra print styled pants were an awful fad that is unfortunately back.

Two Minnesota bodybuilders created Zubaz pants in 1988 because they wanted comfortable pants for weightlifting.

I think that says enough about how bad the pants are.  Nobody should be taking style tips from weightlifters in Minnesota.

According to the internet, Zubaz pants are tapered at the ankle, with the outer part of the leg being longer than the inner part.  They also feature an elastic waistband for great flexibility and movement.

Otherwise known as a fancy description for sweatpants with a design on them.  Sweatpants are sweatpants, I don't care what you put on them.

During the early 90s, the popularity of Zubaz pants exploded as they were embraced by the sports community.  The pants were sold in team colors so if you were a Green Bay Packers fan you could get green and yellow colored Zubaz.

Even Hall of Fame NFL quarterbacks like Dan Marino,  John Elway and Troy Aikman were wearing them.

That's almost reason enough to yank them from the Hall of Fame or at the very least they should get an asterisk next to their name that says "wore Zubaz pants."

Don't Mess with Marino's Zubaz Pants

I'm ashamed to admit that I once owned a pair of these pants but it wasn't my fault.  I was only a young kid and my mom should have denied my request.

Wearing Zubaz isn't really a fashion statement, it's more of a life statement.  It says that you've completely given up on life and trying to impress anybody, especially women.

Also, it indicates that you're kind of trashy and the middle-aged guy that creeps out your neighbor's teenage daughter.  Either that or you're a douchey frat boy who thinks they're so hilarious for wearing them.

See what I mean here.  Sad yet funny.

                      I'm guessing that woman is blind because there's

                      no way she'd wear Zubaz pants or date a guy

                      wearing them.

Eventually Zubaz went bankrupt in 1996 and the nightmare was over. Although in 2007, the company resurfaced and of course the Midwest still loves them.

But to be fair, I don't think the Midwest ever realized that Zubaz went out of style because they were so busy using their dial-up modems that nobody could call them.

Oregon Trail Fake Movie Trailer

I'll always up for a reason to talk about "The Oregon Trail" because I spent many a day playing it on an Apple IIgs then moved on to a Hewlett Packard with a blazing 14k modem.

And this fake trailer for an "Oregon Trail" movie by comedy group Half Day Today is pretty great.

It highlights most of the funny aspects of game such as putting a funny name on a tombstone, overhunting, and the obligatory dysentery joke.

Although I expected more from the dysentery joke, and it left out things such as the funny accents of townspeople, deciding not to stop for someone's funeral, and oxen constantly getting injured.


Those stupid oxen always got injured for no reason at all.  But the most glaring omission was the difficulty of fording the river.  Every frickin time when I thought I made it, I would drown at the last minute.

You were always better off paying the Indian to take the ferry.  I swear that river was the first Indian casino because they rigged it where the odds were against you unless you paid them to cross.

People say the game isn't really educational but I disagree.  I learned plenty of things from "The Oregon Trail."  

For instance, oxen suck, over hunting is fun, and death is kind of okay if you have a funny tombstone.

But most important was that cholera and dysentery produced severe diarrhea that you could die from and that I never wanted to die that way.