Pumpkin Dance

The Midwest must have a strange way of celebrating Halloween if this video from a Nebraska news station is any indication.  I find it more entertaining than I should, but in my defense it's hard to resist anything set to the Ghostbusters theme song.   You could stab me with a knife, and I'd be fine with it as long as it was set to that song.  Then again you might feel bad if I bleed out because then you'd be a murder.

Bad Video Games Endorsed by Athletes

Things were ridiculous in 80s and early 90s as athletes just got bags of money to endorse / throw their name on shitty video games.  The majority of these video games would not even have real players and teams as they just featured generic ones.   Of course, I always got tricked into buying most them until I finally learned better.

Here are a few of the worst:

John Elway's Quarterback

One of my first experiences that should have told me not to trust an athlete endorsed video game.  The game flat out sucked.  You were conveniently never told you couldn't use John Elway or that the game didn't have real teams or players.  Instead it was an impossible to play video game with some of the worst game play ever.  If I ever see John Elway, I'm gonna punch him in the face and get my money back.

Joe Montana Sports Talk Football

I probably should have learned not to trust blond, Hall of Fame bound NFL quarterbacks and their video games by this point, but I didn't.  Released in 1991 for Sega Genesis,  Joe Montana was the only real player in the game because it didn't procure team licenses from the NFL.  Instead it featured teams named after cities, and naturally Joe Montana was the best player in the game as he threw for 500 yards at will.  Not to mention, the announcer sounded like the voice from Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" and always lagged behind game play.  About 5 minutes after you scored, it would say, "Wow, what a touchdown.  I can't believe it."  Here's an example.

Magic Johnson's Fast Break

Honestly, one of the biggest let downs of my life.  I trusted Magic and he screwed me over.  The game released by Tradewest in 1990, features the worst graphics and game play I have ever seen in a video game.  Look at this.  It's clear that Tradewest just dumped bags of money on Magic's lawn, and Magic agreed to slap his name on this awful game.  Obviously, Magic's unprotected sex with numerous women allowed him to contract HIV,  but the bad karma from this game probably didn't help.   The only way I can even justify this purchase is if he used some of that money to find his secret cure to HIV.

David Robinson's Supreme Court

Another really bad game for Sega Genesis released in 1992.  He's another athlete you'd expect to be better than this because he was in the Navy,  but like the others he placed his good name on an inferior video game for money.  Robinson isn't even in the video game as it's stocked with fictional teams and players.   His nickname the "The Admiral" holds true because he's the Admiral of an awful game.

James "Buster" Douglas Knockout Boxing

Buster Douglas is the worst athlete to ever have a video game.  The closest thing in sports you'll ever find to a one-hit wonder getting his own video game.  Even I wasn't stupid enough to buy this game.  Sega just took an existing boxing game called "Final Blow," and changed the name of the game and a game character's name to Buster Douglas.  They did this to capitalize on Douglas knocking out Tyson in 1990.

Stalker Songs

Michelle Branch in the middle of stalking

I was going to do my own top 10 list of stalker songs but this article already does a pretty good job as it features more than a few songs I would have selected.  So instead I'll just mention some more songs in no particular order that I think sound stalkerish.

 Radiohead -  "Creep"

Most Radiohead songs are creepy to begin with, but this one definitely has stalker undertones in it.  Then consider the lyrics "I wish I was special, You're so f***ing special."   I could definitely see a young Thom Yorke hiding behind some bushes as he stalks some girl.

Michelle Branch - "Everywhere"

At first this doesn't really seem like one but listen closer.  She professing her love for a guy that's either not real or doesn't reciprocate her feelings.  She even says  "And when I catch my breath, it's you I breathe."  There's a good chance she might bash your head in with her guitar if you reject her advances.

Weezer -  "Across the Sea"

There's a strong case for a few songs on Weezer's darker "Pinkerton " album, although Rivers Cuomo's song about his obsession with an 18 year-old Japanese girl is the creepiest.  Further proof is that he also has to keep reminding himself how wrong it is.

Death Cab for Cutie - "I Will Follow You into the Dark"

Let's be honest, almost every song by them can come off as stalker like because they straddle the line between emotional guys and crazy guys that keep following you around.   If somebody's talking about following you into the dark along with you dying, that's usually a bad thing.  Set it to a nice calming melody and nobody seems to mind.

The Cardigans - Lovefool

A song for the high energy stalker who seems normal at first then goes crazy when she gets dumped.  Behind this pop beat is a desperate woman pleading "Love me, love me,  I know that you need me, I can't care about anything but you."

 Coldplay - "Shiver"

Anybody who names their child Apple has to be a little off anyway.  Chris Martin has described it as something like a "stalking song" because he admits it was written for a specific woman.  The song even dares the woman to get a restraining order by saying, "From the moment I wake; to the moment I sleep, I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me." 

Piebald -  "The Stalker"

A lesser known group that just comes right out with the fact that the song is about stalking.  You at least have to respect the honesty and lines such as "I'll be in every smokey corner you've seen, counting your drinks." 

George Harrison -  "I Got My Mind Set On You"

Maybe it's borderline, but anytime you're singing about having your mind set on someone that doesn't want you yet in front of a fireplace,  I think that's in the stalking neighborhood.  Furthermore, the song proclaims "It's gonna take patience and time,  to do it..., to do it right."   Is it a coincidence that these are the very same attributes necessary to do stalking right?  I think not.

LL Cool J - "Hey Lover"

LL's habit of constantly rubbing his hands and licking his lips when he sees women certainly doesn't help his case here.   Any doubt about the song's stalker intentions are cleared up within the first two lines as the guy from Boyz II Men with the deep voice says,  "I've been watchin' you from afar,  for as long as I can remember. "

Londonbeat - "I've Been Thinking About You"

Just watch the video and you'll understand.  It's clear that that no woman would willingly enter into a relationship any one of those guys.  In fact, they probably made this video to send to the woman because it looks like it was produced in one of those places in the late 80s and early 90s where you could make your own music video.

That's my list of stalker songs, and keep in mind that Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me" has been excluded because it's so commonly used in Geico commercials.    Feel free to suggest any good songs you can think of, or that I failed to mention.

Luke Skywalker Should Have Known Better

I apologize because I'm going nerd alert in this post.  It's the part of "Star Wars" that everybody likes to forget because it's uncomfortable to think about.  If  Luke Skywalker was such a great Jedi,  then why didn't he realize he was kissing his sister Princess Leia?  Even knowing just a little bit of the Force should have told him that.


I've heard the argument that maybe he was attracted to Leia because he sensed the Force in her.  I don't buy it.  If that's true, he also should have realized it was his sister.  Yeah he's still training as a Jedi at this point, but come on.  I bet Luke did already know, although he was so desperate from his lack of action on Tatooween that he ignored it.

Yoda and Obi-Wan did him no favors though.  Despite knowing that Luke and Leia were working together, they still waited to tell him him the truth.  I think they could have stopped Luke's Jedi training for a second to mention that important fact. 

What's even worse is that Luke doesn't seem too bothered when he learns that Leia is his sister.  It's just like oh well these things happens.  That's just messed up.  At the very least, he should have gone into exile Yoda style once he realized what he had done.  Being a Jedi doesn't put you above the laws of decency.

Although. it's possible that Luke used the Jedi mind trick to make himself and everyone else forget about the incest.  Too bad he can't make us forget his transgression .

Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs

Well, Australia has done it again.  Offending people must be some sort of national past time there.  As explained by the London Telegraph (I swear I read other stuff, but they always seem to have interesting things), an Australian beer company's  provocative advertisement featuring Ho White and the Seven Dwarfs in a bed together has angered Disney.


It didn't just stop with renaming Snow White to Ho White as it also changed the names of dwarfs Sleepy, Happy and Doc to Filthy, Smarmy and Randy - allegedly to characterize different type of drinkers. 

This was all in an attempt to demonstrate to drinkers that their new fruit- flavored beer was "anything but sweet."

What were they thinking?  Oh yeah, this is really gonna hit that demographic that loves midget porn and fairy tales.  It's pretty creepy too.  I think the only people who think of a fairy tale character in a sexual way are perverts that you should probably keep your children away from.

Not exactly the best ad for a beer that hopes to target women either.  It says, "Hey remember Snow White?  Well after drinking too much of our beer, you can be the slutty version that wakes up with seven strange men and several STDS."

I guess the company did accomplish its goal as it got much more publicity with the ad than it normally would have, but more importantly we know that sexual predators have a new favorite beer.

Rio de Janeiro Just like Grand Theft Auto Video Games

I thought drug dealers only shot down police helicopters in video games, but as the London Telegraph reports, I was wrong.  Apparently this happens in the streets of Rio de Janeiro as well.

The helicopter was called in to stop a turf war between two rival drug gangs.  When the helicopter crashed,  the situation only got worse as the police struggled to contain violence on the streets which included gunshots and Molotov cocktails.

Video after the jump.



Chicago was passed over for the 2016 Olympics for a city that's the real life equivalent of a Grand Theft Auto video game.  It's eerie how similar the violence in Rio de Janeiro is to the the video game.  Check it out below (there's music so turn down the volume before you view it).

 

I only know the Rio de Janeiro incident is not a video game because my friend isn't nearly failing out of college as he spends all his time playing Grand Theft Auto instead of going to class.

Let's look on the bright side though, the Olympics could be more exciting in Rio de Janeiro.  As part of the steeplechase competitors may have to jump over the downed police helicopter, Molotov cocktail a bus and in the homestretch they're not safe until they avoid a hail of gun shots from rival drug gangs.

The Douchebag App

 

Leave it to AMP Energy to come out with the douchiest Iphone application yet.  The London Telegraph reports that their AMP UP Before You Score app provides pick-up lines designed to help men plow (that's right I'm bringing it back) 24 different types of women including foreign exchange students, college girls, and punk girls.


Even better it encourages users to share the details of their sexual conquests with friends online.  The app description says, "Get lucky?  Add her to your Brag List.  You can record the name, date, and what ever details you remember," and adds "Keep your buddies in the loop on email, Facebook or Twitter."

Where to start?  Anybody who is drinking any kind of energy drink is probably that annoying douchebag / frat boy with spiked hair who everybody hates because he's always exaggerating his sexual exploits in graphic detail that nobody wants to hear.

Then take into account that AMP Energy is like the homeless man's energy drink since it's pretty much Mountain Dew in energy drink form.  The only thing thing possibly worse than AMP would be piss in a can aka Mellow Yello.

Chances are that anybody drinking AMP isn't getting any to begin with, but if this app helps them get some then they're in trouble.  A girl that falls for any of this crap will most likely be a walking cesspool of STDs.  

It's also very likely a girl is going to find the list on the phone.  Then she'll tell everybody she knows,  and you might as well call it the cock block list as everybody on every social media website will know how much of a manwhore you are.

The most convincing argument for not using the AMP app is the Don Draper one.  If anybody needs a brag list, it would be Don Draper from "Mad Men," but he doesn't use one.  I mean he even pulled off the Spanish Stare in a restaurant.  Draper knows it much better to keep one in his head because a physical list or evidence makes it easier to get caught for indescritions.

If it's not good enough for Draper for a ladies man to use, then it's not good enough for anyone.  

Tim Tebow Over Hyped

For awhile I thought I hated University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow until I realized something:  it's really the god like image of Tebow perpetuated by his fans and the media that I hate. 

The best comparison to Tebow fans and supporters would be Dave Matthews Band fans.  It's almost impossible to convince a DMB fan that every single song the band made isn't a piece of musical genius.  Their constant touting of the band makes you hate DMB by association even if you didn't hate DMB to begin with.

Tebow fans and the media do the same exact thing.  They want us all to believe that Tebow descended from heaven to grace us with his superhuman skills. 

Florida's coach Urban Meyer might promote this belief more than anyone else.  He does all he can to reinforce this image of Tebow as a cult figure.  Maybe he doesn't realize this, but just because his first name is Urban, doesn't mean he has the authority to crown religious figures like a pope.

It's funny because Tebow couldn't be more humble about his skills and accomplishments so it's not like he encourages this image of himself.     

There is no doubt that Tebow has had a successful college career so far.  He contributed as a part-time player to Florida's 2006 national championship his freshman year, and as the starting quarterback the next season , he became the first underclassman  to win the Heisman Trophy while scoring 55 touchdowns.  In his junior year, Tebow led the Gators to their second national championship in three years. 

Just calling Tebow a great quarterback is not enough for his backers.  Besides, they claim it's really his uncanny leadership and ability to will his team to victory that sets him apart.  If I took these people at their word, I'd probably believe that Tebow could end this recession or tensions in the Middle East through sheer power of will because once he puts his mind on something he's unstoppable. 

Let's not forget it's easier to will a team to victory when you're surrounded with a team as talented as the Florida Gators.  A soft out of conference schedule doesn't hurt either.  Tebow won't be the first or the last college quarterback to inspire a team to victory.

It's like the difference between a normal guy trying to date a supermodel and Derek Jeter trying to date a supermodel.  The normal guy probably wants it more, but it's much easier for Jeter because of his star status.

Tebow's worshipers also fail to acknowledge that despite his ability to run and pass, he possesses at best an average arm and running skills that aren't as rare as they believe.  Consciously or subconsciously,  people are giving Tebow more credit for his skills as a running quarterback because he's white.

How quickly they forget Tony Rice, the African-American quarterback of Notre Dame's undefeated national championship team in 1988. If anything, Rice was Tebow before Tebow as he was virtually unstoppable on the ground or through the air.

He even did something that Tebow hasn't done yet, which is lead his team to an undefeated season.  Other comparable quarterbacks to Tebow are former Nebraska option quarterback and 2001 Heisman Trophy winner Eric Crouch, and former West Virgina quarterback Pat White.

I'll never like or agree with people's belief that Tebow is god in a football uniform, but I can appreciate that he's a really good college football player that through no fault of his own has been over hyped.




  

Uh Australia You Can't Do Blackface

I'm not entirely sure that Australia knows what decade this is.  On an Australian variety show,  a group calling themselves the Jackson Jive performed in blackface as they parodied the Jackson Five.  CNN article goes into more detail.

Nobody seemed to notice it was wrong until guest judge Harry Connick Jr. pointed out how offensive it was.  Even worse it was suppose to be viewed as tribute to Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five.  That's like saying blasting African-Americans with a water hose is a tribute to civil rights. 

Is Australia as up to date on race relations as Eastern Europe is on popular American music?  I think 80s icon El DeBarge is still big in Eastern Europe.  Likewise,  it must take Australia decades longer to catch up to the rest of the world's standards on issues of race.


This may be the case as it appears that blackface with jive talking is still something that's suppose to be funny in Australia.  Hey, don't forget that Crocodile Dundee asked Reginald VelJohnson aka Carl Winslow what tribe he was from in the first "Crocodile Dundee."

All this only increases my suspicion that Australia is exactly as depicted by "The Simpsons."  Right down to the knifey-spoon game.

Entertaining Internet Videos

Courtesy of the London Telegraph, here are 15 entertaining internet videos featuring optical and audio illusions.  Why? Because it gives you something to do at work besides work.

The most entertaining video on this list is the right brain vs. left brain test.  The way you see the dancer spin determines which side of your brain is more dominant.  If you see the dancer spinning anti-clockwise, then you favor the left side of your brain and vice versa.    The dancer video is after the jump.




Another good one is number seven video on the list, which tricks your eyes into seeing a black and white image of a castle in color.

The View-Master so Awesome

It's such a simple toy, yet so awesome.  I wish I still owned the View-Master that I had as a kid because I'd view the crap out of it.

The View-Master wasn't originally a toy though, it was created as a means for people to view tourist attractions in color and 3-D.  The US military even used it to train personnel during the early 1940s.

If you're not familiar with the View-Master,  it is a toy similar to binoculars that you load with a paper disc full of seven images which you can then view in 3-D.  A bunch of cartoon discs such as "Masters of the Universe," "Charlie Brown," and Disney characters were available as well as discs featuring scenes from television shows.  Here's an 80s commercial for it.


Okay, maybe that doesn't sound all that great now, but it was.  The internet wasn't around to constantly entertain us so you had to entertain yourself.  The View-Master was like virtual insanity before Jamiroquai made it all creepy and weird.  There's a reason you don't see any women in Jamiroqui's virtual insanity apartment.  

Although View-Master disc images always seemed to turn red, which meant you couldn't view them anymore.   Of course, this only reinforced the genius of the product.  You had to keep begging your parents to buy new discs to keep the View-Master experience entertaining.

In a twisted way it was the equivalent of drug addiction for children.  They had to keep getting that "high" or good experience by viewing new discs.  I guess that would make parents the drug pushers, which kind of makes sense because they both won't hesitate to punish you, if you step out of line.

The View-Master is still sold today, but it looks more like a lame children's toy.  There's also a View-Master movie in development by Dreamworks who claim it will be in the vein of "Goonies."   I don't know how well that's going to work out, and in case it sucks like "Jumanji," don't let it influence the greatness of the View-Master.

Fox I Know What You're Doing

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Fox has created a computer application called Virtual Echo for fans of the TV show "Dollhouse"  with Eliza Dushku's character Echo that  "entertains and interacts with the user." Are you serious Fox?   You're not fooling anyone with this.


Plain and simple they've created a  "Dollhouse" masturabatory tool for nerds that watch the show (I not saying that only nerds watch the show. I'm referring to actual nerds).  Oh yeah, it also allows "Dollhouse" fans to get the latest news on the show, but we all know that's just a weak attempt to cover up the true nature of this application.

Don't believe me.  Just look at how the marketing company that made this application describes it:

Desktop Echo, which turns any computer screen into Echo’s playground. Watch Echo walk onto your desktop as she switches between her different personas, including dream date, hostage negotiator and assassin. Fans may leave the application running to be surprised as Echo displays her many special talents.

-- Augmented Reality Echo, which allows users to expand the Echo experience using augmented-reality (AR) technology. Simply print out the AR card with the special DOLLHOUSE symbol or “glyph,” aim it at the computer’s webcam and bring Echo to life by moving the card. Then use the arrow keys to choose between her different avatars.

Now tell me that doesn't sound like an advertisement for some porn web cam.  You're suppose to watch Echo as she "displays her many special talents," and Augmented Reality uses your web cam to make it seem like she's actually in your room. 

I thought "Dollhouse" was trying to attract more viewers, but this is only going to cause them to lose viewership as fans will spend their time on the computer doing something else.

Sesame Street Does Mad Men

Two of my favorite things together at last: Muppets and "Mad Men."  Somebody call Zack Morris because I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so... scared. 

Considering Sesame Street's content limitations, they do a pretty good job with the parody.  Although it would have been cool if the Muppets were drinking cranberry juice or orange juice as a substitute for the scotch "Mad Men" characters always have in their hand.  Then again I'm not a puppeteer so I don't know how hard it is to make a Muppet hold a glass.

I wonder if the Muppet version of Betty Draper is just as mean to her kids.

More importantly, we learned that even a children's program can make a funnier  "Mad Men" parody than Saturday Night Live.