Ads That Would Never Be Allowed Today

Courtesy of OWNI.eu,  48 ads that are so ridiculous it's hard to believe they were actually used.  I don't think we'll be seeing these on "Mad Men" anytime soon.

Trust me, you really need to see these.  They might be offensive if they weren't so absurd.

Apparently the key to defeating Germany in World War II was the ability to heed warnings like this and stay away from venereal disease.

And women better not messed your postage because Pitney-Bowes stresses dire consequences if they do.

Being an advertising man must have been easy back then.  No subtext, just slap some blatant sexism or racism on a campaign and you're done.

The Worst Muppet: Janice

I've made my love of Muppets clear through multiple posts on this blog such as this, this, and this.  It's a fact that Muppets are awesome.

If I can find a reason to mention Muppets then I'm going to do it.  And yes, Sesame Street characters are Muppets.  Don't be a smart ass.

That's why it's hard to believe that I could actually hate a Muppet.  It's against my nature.

Although it's not just any Muppet I hate, it's the worst Muppet ever created: Janice.

You may recognize her as the lead guitar player in Electric Mayhem band on "The Muppet Show."

I mean have you seen her.  Those freaky giant eyelashes and lips, over tanned skin, ratty blond hair, and general whorish appearance.

She's a disgrace to Muppets everywhere and her mere existence sullies the Muppets' good name.  It only makes sense that she was created in 1975 because people were obviously too drugged out to realize what a horrible Muppet she was.

Just look at the people she compares to in human form.  They're scary looking people: New York and Donatella Versace.

I know I'm not the only person that feels this way either.    All I had to say to my friend last weekend was, "You know who's the worst Muppet?" then he immediately described Janice.

Unbelievably, there are people who actually like Janice.  Instead of being angry, I just feel sorry for them because they love such a bad Muppet.

In fact it would be pretty hard to be friends with someone who liked Janice.  I'd immediately question their judgement.

Wow, I've devoted a lot of words to the hatred of something that's not even real.  It probably shouldn't matter this much to me, but it does.

I must be pretty obsessed with Muppets.  There might be an intervention in my future.

I'm just saying if I had a time machine, the first thing I'd do is go back and make sure Janice the Muppet was never created.  Priorities people, priorities.

I'd like to hear other people's opinion though.  Do you agree or disagree about Janice?  Is there actually a worse Muppet than Janice? Are there other bad Muppets?

Cheryl Cole Coming to America - Update

I've already mentioned here and here the greatness of Cheryl Cole and why she needs to come to America.

Well, now it's practically official that she's coming as a judge on Simon Cowell's US version of "X Factor."  At least according to this article.

It's about time.  Even a bout with malaria earlier this year couldn't stop her.  How many other pop stars have beaten malaria?

Cole's reason enough to at least check out "X Factor."  Although, there's concern that she won't translate to American audiences because middle America may not be able to comprehend her accent.

Don't you even think of messing this up middle America or we're going to have a problem.

It's not that difficult to understand a British accent, and it's certainly a lot easier than listening to Sarah Palin speak.

Should we really be trusting the opinion of people who still use dial-up modems and enjoy the same repetitive CBS crime dramas?  Yeah, probably not.

Nicolas Cage Freaking Out

I could watch this all day.  Nobody I mean nobody freaks out like Nicolas Cage.

It makes me think that some of this isn't acting and he's really that crazy.  I wouldn't want to be the assistant that messed up something for him.

He's like the Incredible Hulk minus the whole turning green and super strength part.

I've never seen "The Wicker Man" but based on those limited clips it seems like it was just an excuse for Cage to punch women in the face.

Sesame Street: Cookie Monster Wants to Host Saturday Night Live

Let's be honest, Cookie Monster is probably more entertaining than half of the people who have hosted "Saturday Night Live" so this would be an improvement.

His opening monologue is efficient and his Macgruber parody "Macarooner" was funnier than anything I've seen SNL do this year.

Although that's really not surprising as "Sesame Street" has consistently produced better parodies on things such as Mad Men and Old Spice.

In fact maybe they should just let Sesame Street writers craft a few skits instead of having Cookie Monster host.

I'm a huge Cookie Monster fan but I have some trepidation about him hosting SNL.

They'd definitely find a way to ruin Cookie Monster and make him unfunny.

I can already imagine a bad cookie intervention skit that goes five minutes too long.

Even worse, it would only encourage a section of people who believe they can get anything they want by petitioning the internet for it.

The only way Cooke Monster hosting might work is if they pair him with a muppet friendly co-host like Jason Segel.

How Michael Caine Speaks

It seems like everyone does some sort of De Niro or Pacino impression but what about Michael Caine.  Who doesn't enjoy him?

There really aren't enough good Michael Caine impressions at least until this.  Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon do amazing Michael Caine impressions in this clip from the BBC show "The Trip."

They should have thrown in some Batman dialogue for good measure though.

Receding Hairline Cornrows

They're a true tragedy and I don't know why people insist on getting them.

When your hair is receding, you're just better off admitting defeat instead of making things worse with cornrows.

If anything, the cornrows further expose how far the hair has receded,  and it's strange to see a lot of forehead then cornrows that start several inches back on the head than they should.

The most notorious offenders of this hairstyle are two athletes: Donovan McNabb and Jerry Rice.

It's not a coincidence that they both had the receding cornrows on the downslope of their careers.

In fact the beginning of Mcnabb's trend down began when he started wearing the hairstyle.

It's probably the real reason the Eagles benched him for Kevin Kolb and then traded him to the Redskins.  They were too embarrassed to have their starting quarterback look like that.

With Jerry Rice it was kind of different because he already should have retired instead of playing for the Raiders.  The receding cornrows look only reinforced that his time had passed, and he was a shadow of his former self.

His cornrows were bad.  Really bad.  He looked like Angela Bassett in "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."

How Jerry Rice did not get his groove back.

Seriously, Rice's cornrows were almost reason enough to deny him entry into the Football Hall of Fame despite his great accomplishments in the NFL.  It would have been pretty funny if they put the receding cornrow look on his bust though.

Sadly they did not do that

Let's hope that nobody including athletes ever wears receding cornrows again because the world will be a better place for it.

Lake Shore the Canadian Jersey Shore

Here comes the downfall of Canadian society,  "Lake Shore."  Think of it like the "Real World" and "Jersey Shore" had a baby, which is something they shouldn't have done because they're first cousins.

The result is "Lake Shore."  I think it's best summed up as: the true story of eight ethnic stereotypes with inappropriate names such as "The Pole" or "The Italian" picked to live in a house full of alcohol.  Find out what happens when people stop being sober and get extremely offensive.

There's going to be a lot of people saying, " let's go oot and party" and "I'm all aboot partying," but probably not many people saying they're "soree."

Oh you silly Canadians, you just had to take one of the worst parts of American culture and try to imitate it.  Nobody wants to be like the Jersey Shore, you're just suppose to laugh at how ridiculous those people are.

While you're at it, try making a reel that's not an absurd eight minutes long.  To view reel in full screen click here.

Trade in Your Breakfast

Kind of random I know, but it's a great commercial even though others might disagree.  And I woke up this morning singing that "trade in your breakfast" song for some odd reason.

Of course, I would never actually trade in my breakfast because that seems like bad business, and I don't accept drinks from random people on the street.

But I do wonder what happened to the "trade in your breakfast" guy from the Dannon Frusion smoothie commercials though.

Did he not get enough people to trade in their breakfast and was fired?

Is that guy now just a crazy homeless man who yells at passersby to trade in their breakfast and if they don't then he accosts them?

Michael Jackson The Experience Video Game

This dance game looks pretty cool although it's only for the Nintendo Wii system.  The trailer is a little disconcerting though.

All those people look way too happy about playing "Michael Jackson The Experience."  I've never seen anybody that enthralled with a video game and it kind of freaks me out.  It's like they're in a cult or something.

Also, if they're doing all that dancing in a high-rise apartment they would never be that happy.

They would get through one song at most before the people below them got pissed and threatened to call the landlord unless they don't stop banging on their ceiling.

There's no mention of it, but I have to assume you get double points for signature Michael Jackson crotch grabs.

Globe Genie

It's just what you need: another cool yet distracting thing on the internet.

Developed by M.I.T grad student Joe McMichael, Globe Genie transports you to any part of the world with just one click via google maps and street view.

It's a personal preference but I find yelling "Yatta" like Hiro Nakamura from "Heroes" every time you click  makes it more enjoyable.

I wouldn't suggest you keep clicking until you are transported to your hometown.  I lost an hour doing that and it still didn't work.

Wojtek the Solider Bear

A bear that fought Nazis, hell yeah.  How come nobody told me about this sooner?

Apparently the Polish Army had a brown bear they dubbed Private Wojtek that served with them during World War II.  It's detailed here.

They acquired the bear as a cub and then seemingly domesticated the bear.  Granted the bear was really more of a mascot than a fighter, but it did help unload artillery during a battle.

Although I'm a little concerned that the article says the bear stood in as a replacement for the wives of soldiers.  You're not suppose to do that type of stuff with bears.

Also, it's kind of disappointed that the U.S. didn't have their own solider bear.  Why didn't they crack that soldier bear?  Maybe they could have trained their bear to use a gun.

You could train a whole bear army.  Then again, bears are already stronger and faster than us so giving then guns might not be the best idea.

Damn You Old Navy Mannequin Commercials

There's not one redeeming thing to say about Old Navy's mannequin commercials.  They're awful on every level yet they continue to be produced.  It's unbelievable.

Manequins making unfunny jokes and breaking body parts wasn't funny the first time so why would it get any funnier the next 500.  I think they've been on TV for over a year at this point.

Is Old Navy doing some psychological experiment to see if they can break our spirits until we actually think they're good commercials?

It's the only logical explanation I can come up with.

For some reason these commercials really anger me.  I think it's because I find it insulting that Old Navy expects me tolerate these commercials, and I know that I'll never get that wasted time back.

I know what you're thinking: "If you're talking about the commercials then it's doing something right."  But you're wrong.

I haven't set foot in an Old Navy since those commercials started and don't intend to anytime soon.

At first it was a coincidence, but now I make it a point because there's no way I'm encouraging these stupid commercials.

Well that and Old Navy doesn't realize it's not 2000 so they don't need a whole section dedicated to Cargo pants.

Sesame Street Old Spice Parody: Smell Like a Monster

There's so many parodies of the Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice Commercial, but clearly this one is the best because it involves "Sesame Street" and Muppets.

"Sesame Street" already proved they could do a great parody with the Mad Men one.

And everything is better with Muppets.  In fact I'd like people a lot more if they were Muppets.

Like that guy on my street with the shopping cart full of cans would probably breakout into an entertaining and educational song about collecting cans if he was a Muppet.

In the immortal words of Homer Simpson when asked what a Muppet is, "Well it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet but man (laughing)... So to answer your question I don't know."

Who's the Most Famous Natural Redhead Woman in Hollywood?

I thought this was an easy question and assumed it would be Emma Stone or Christina Hendricks aka Joan from "Mad Men."

Then I found out that surprisingly they're both not natural redheads. Apparently Stone is a blonde which just seems weird since she's so synonymous with having red hair.

Emma Stone with blonde hair

This is like finding out Don Draper lost his mojo all over again.

What's next?  An HBO show not randomly featuring nudity just because it can.

Naturally red headed women must feel like the Na'vi because some outsiders just adapted their look and seemingly became the best representation of it.

But seriously, I don't know the answer to this question.  Lindsay Lohan doesn't really count because she's just famous for failing at life.

Does anybody know the answer?

Who Eats Mamba Candy?

I haven't had Mamba candy since the mid 90s.  In fact I'm not even sure if it still exists because I haven't seen it at a store in years.  Although the internet seems to suggest that Mambas still do.

Mambas are kind of like fancy Starbursts that come in a pack of 20 featuring four flavors: strawberry, raspberry, lemon and orange.  

Much like Rolos, I find it hard to believe that many people eat Mambas or consider it their favorite candy.

Although, eating Mambas really does say something about a person.  There are certain types of people who eat them : 

1. Snobby / pretentious people who think they're too good for Starbursts.  Nobody's above Starbursts. Plus Mambas don't have commercials like this.
2. People who like to make it rain with their money.  Oh look at you, you can afford to pay over dollar for your fancy candy.
3. Hipsters.  Starbursts are so played out, that's why I eat Mambas.
4. People who don't want their candy to fit in their pocket. Package is too big to fit normally and always awkwardly sticks out.

Also, I feel like Mambas have been lying to us for years.  With a name like Mambas one would assume they're like the Latin America equivalent of Starbursts, but surprisingly the candy comes from Germany.  

Those sneaky Germans.  This isn't France; you just can't invade people's mouths when you want.

Apparently Mamba refers to the deadly Mamba snake.  But what the hell does that have to do with candy? I'll chalk it up to just another weird German thing.  

Inception Trailer Acapella

Okay, nobody really wants to hear about "Inception" anymore because it always turns into the same 15 minute philosophical conversation.

 Don't worry, this is just mindless fun with the trailer.   Replacing the music in the trailer with acapella shouldn't be this amusing but it is.

Gets me every time with the BBROOOOOOAAAAAR sound.  The Ellen Page voice is pretty great as well. 

Ten Most Unanswerable Questions in the World

According to a study done by the website Ask Jeeves, they have determined the 10 most unanswerable questions in the world for last decade.  Here's the full list.

Some of these questions are deep existential questions dealing with things such as the meaning of life or if there's a god, but others are just plain stupid.

Do you really need to know if blondes do have more fun or who is the most famous person in the world?

I think I could easily answer the 7th question which is: What is love?  It was already answered in 1993 by this guy:



Ask Jeeves failed to recognize the most unanswerable question in the world on this list though.  It's not 1999, so why is anybody still using the Ask Jeeves.

Jesse Heiman: The Background Nerd

You may not know the name Jesse Heiman but you've probably seen him before.

I don't know why, but this guy seems to pop up in the background of numerous TV shows and movies as an extra that's the token nerd/geek in the background.

Within the last week, I've seen him three different times while watching TV.  He was in the background of "Chuck," "Glee," and "Old School" playing the same part as nerdy guy.

Look at his IMDB page,  almost every single role is listed as geek or nerd.  Heiman has made a career out of being the go to background nerd and he's everywhere.



Yet I've never even seen him have a speaking role.  I guess that makes him similar to a porn actor except Heiman would probably be credited as "nerd that watches sex from corner" if he was in a porn.

I wonder how he became Hollywood's background nerd.  Did he purposely set out to do this because it was his niche or did someone choose him?

Is he really a nerd in real life or does he just play one?  Does he find it demeaning?

He's like the poor man's Jonah Hill.  In fact, Heiman might be pissed that Hill beat him to the punch as comedic, kind of heavy nerd guy.

There can only be one Jonah Hill. I'm like the Highlander.

Although he could pull a Jesse Eisenberg who became a poor man's Michael Cera by taking roles Cera obviously turned down until some people actually started to like him better than Cera.

Hey, both their names are Jesse so that's already a start.

The Japanese Rocketeer Fails

Silly Japanese, don't they know there can only be one Rocketeer and he's American.

This video further proves that all Japanese technology isn't perfect and they should just stick to building disturbing humanoid robots that will eventually over throw us.

The only person who could sympathize with a Rocketeer inspired fail like this would be one of my friends in his younger days.

He was told by his father that he could get any video game he wanted and unfortunately chose "The Rocketeer" video game.  Here's a taste of the awfulness he got.

Don Draper's Off His Game

The 4th season of "Mad Men" has been great as usual but there's something that's really troubling me: Don Draper.  For the first time ever, Draper's off his game with the ladies.

This can't be happening.  The sun is yellow, the sky is blue, and Don Draper never gets denied by women. Those are all facts.

The foundation of my world is starting to crumble.  If this was "Inception," my totem would be Draper always beds the woman, and now I'm seriously questioning reality since he isn't.

I don't know if I can really live in a world where Don Draper gets rejected by women.

This is the same guy who pulled off the Spanish Stare in a restaurant during the 60s.  I don't think anybody had even coined the term for it yet.

If I was real, there's a good chance
 I could have been your father 

Why am I getting so concerned about a fiction character?  Because Don Draper is more than a character, he's an icon.  The ultimate man's man.

It's painful to watch him get turned down by women he would've easily bedded before.  Like seeing a Hall of Fame athlete get shown up by average players because of diminishing skills.

Instead of the typical smooth Draper moves, he's reduced to being that creepy drunk guy that's like "come on, come on" until the woman reluctantly agrees to go with him for some reason.

He's struggled to get women like (spoiler alert if you're behind in season four) his secretary and a waitress.  Old Draper wouldn't even resort to this and if he did, he'd seduce them in his sleep.

Even worse, he's resorted to paying for sex.  I thought that was as likely as Draper paying for the air he breathes.

Obviously the whole divorce thing has thrown him off his game.  Before he had the comfort of knowing he was going home to his wife Betty who was always more attractive then the woman he was cheating with.

Now Draper lacks that confidence and the allure of being a married man.

All his mistresses secretly liked that Draper was cheating on his wife with them because it bothered them for like a minute before they moved on.

But Don Draper can turn this around, he has to.  He's just in a little slump.  All he has to do is look in the mirror and remember he's Don f'n Draper or just listen to this song.

The Nightlife with Nick Cannon

I stumbled across "The Nightlife" a few nights ago while flipping through the channels.  The sight of Nick Cannon DJing  stopped me in my tracks.

I forgot he even existed.  The next logical question was who the hell would pay him to DJ anything besides a junior high dance?  Then I realized this show was on Teen Nick so I was close.

The smart thing would've been to change the channel but if I had, then I wouldn't be writing this right now.

Eventually I found out what the "The Nightlife" is.

It's really just a bad combination of "The Grind,""Soul Train," and "American Bandstand."

As well as a strong indication that America's future is bleak.  Kids really are getting dumber.

It features teenagers and hired dancers dancing in a studio to popular music that Cannon plays while the song's music video is on a big screen TV and has a live musical performance at the end.

Parents, not a great idea to let your teenage daughters be here.  You really want them near Cannon, the one night a week that Mariah Carey lets him be around people closer to 20 than 40?

Ready to Wild Out with Teenagers

Oh and Cannon is suppose to keep you up to date on the latest in style, music, and dance which he does with the help of his two teenage co hosts who just happen to be on his record label. Well this is how they put:



The male co-host goes by the absurd name of Aaron Fresh, and I can only assume he does because he thinks he's so fresh.  This kid couldn't be trying any harder to be the black Justin Bieber.

He should know better though.  There will never be a black Bieber because no black kid can pull off the Bieber bowl cut.

Your world would so be my world
 if I had a bowl cut

And just when you think this show can't get any worse, it ends with a contrived dance circle that rips off  "Dance 360" as Cannon awkwardly cheers on a hired dancer who dances in the middle.

No wonder Cannon's acting career is nonexistent, he can't even sell that he's enjoying this dance circle.

The only solace I can take is that maybe Kel watched this, flipped out, and is actively plotting his revenge.

iSafe Bag Commercial

I hate to break this to Holly Robinson-Peete but I think she made a bad investment with isafe bags.  If she continued to hang with Mr. Cooper, she wouldn't need one.

Unless he went crazy and that's the reason she needs the bag.

A bag with a crappy alarm on it isn't going to stop bullying, pedophiles or creepy guys.  These examples of the situations don't help sell the bag either.

If anything, the isafe bag is only going to motivate people to beat you up even more.  They'll just know to take your bag before they kick your ass.

Imagine if Daniel Russo had an isafe bag, he wouldn't have had to go through all that trouble of learning karate to defend himself.  "The Karate Kid" would have been a totally different movie.

                               Forget the Crane kick, get me an isafe bag.

Then the pedophile guy is the worst pedophile ever.  He's gotta step up his game.

He doesn't even have a white van, he uses a white Jeep.  They're not interchangeable, everybody knows that.  A white van says, "I'm sexual predator, hear me roar."

Doesn't this guy watch SVU?  You're suppose to lure people to your van with puppies or candy.

You could pay $59.99 for an isafe bag or get a bag that doesn't make you a target of ridicule.  I'm pretty sure this is what actually happens when you try to use an isafe bag:

What is Pretty Boy Swag?

Leave it to Soulja Boy to sound like Stevie from "Malcolm in the Middle" and think it's cool.  Maybe that's just his reading speed though.

I don't know what "Pretty Boy Swag" is, but based on this video it seems to be very similar to the "Down- Low" lifestyle.

Although he raps about women, there is only one woman in the video and he's constantly surrounded by guys.

Sounds like someone's in pretty boy denial.  Is he sure it's not raining men instead?

Oh and I don't know if Soulja Boy made it clear, but girls are on his dick.  I didn't hear him the first 25 times he said it.

It doesn't help Soulja Boy's case that he sounds like a 13-year-old kid at summer camp boasting about the sexual experience he had with a mythical girl in Canada.

As if you need anymore evidence to what  "Pretty Boy Swag" is all about,  his use of "no homo" confirms it.

Anybody who says that, is obviously so insecure about his sexual orientation that he has to emphatically proclaim when stuff isn't gay.

Wait, was this whole video just a pretty boy swag pride parade?

Yahoo Answers: Where Stupid People Go

I'm sure at some point, maybe two seconds after it launched, Yahoo Answers served an intelligent purpose.  But now, it's a magnet for some of the stupidest and weirdest people on the internet.

This blog from geekologie only reinforces it.   I can't believe people this idiotic exist or that they figured out how to use the internet.

But my everyday experience with people, only proves that they do.

My favorite is the 14-year-old girl who wants advice on how to trick the most popular guy in school into getting her pregnant.  She's really into that poking holes in condoms idea.

Don't know about you, but this sounds like the plot to the next hit ABC Family show to me.

Hey maybe if the guy who complains about girls not talking to him on Facebook gets cooler then he can kill two birds with one stone.

Too bad it's not 1999 though, all these people could Ask Jeeves these questions.

Zubaz Pants

Nothing says early 90s like Zubaz.  These zebra print styled pants were an awful fad that is unfortunately back.

Two Minnesota bodybuilders created Zubaz pants in 1988 because they wanted comfortable pants for weightlifting.

I think that says enough about how bad the pants are.  Nobody should be taking style tips from weightlifters in Minnesota.

According to the internet, Zubaz pants are tapered at the ankle, with the outer part of the leg being longer than the inner part.  They also feature an elastic waistband for great flexibility and movement.

Otherwise known as a fancy description for sweatpants with a design on them.  Sweatpants are sweatpants, I don't care what you put on them.

During the early 90s, the popularity of Zubaz pants exploded as they were embraced by the sports community.  The pants were sold in team colors so if you were a Green Bay Packers fan you could get green and yellow colored Zubaz.

Even Hall of Fame NFL quarterbacks like Dan Marino,  John Elway and Troy Aikman were wearing them.

That's almost reason enough to yank them from the Hall of Fame or at the very least they should get an asterisk next to their name that says "wore Zubaz pants."

Don't Mess with Marino's Zubaz Pants

I'm ashamed to admit that I once owned a pair of these pants but it wasn't my fault.  I was only a young kid and my mom should have denied my request.

Wearing Zubaz isn't really a fashion statement, it's more of a life statement.  It says that you've completely given up on life and trying to impress anybody, especially women.

Also, it indicates that you're kind of trashy and the middle-aged guy that creeps out your neighbor's teenage daughter.  Either that or you're a douchey frat boy who thinks they're so hilarious for wearing them.

See what I mean here.  Sad yet funny.

                      I'm guessing that woman is blind because there's

                      no way she'd wear Zubaz pants or date a guy

                      wearing them.

Eventually Zubaz went bankrupt in 1996 and the nightmare was over. Although in 2007, the company resurfaced and of course the Midwest still loves them.

But to be fair, I don't think the Midwest ever realized that Zubaz went out of style because they were so busy using their dial-up modems that nobody could call them.

Oregon Trail Fake Movie Trailer

I'll always up for a reason to talk about "The Oregon Trail" because I spent many a day playing it on an Apple IIgs then moved on to a Hewlett Packard with a blazing 14k modem.

And this fake trailer for an "Oregon Trail" movie by comedy group Half Day Today is pretty great.

It highlights most of the funny aspects of game such as putting a funny name on a tombstone, overhunting, and the obligatory dysentery joke.

Although I expected more from the dysentery joke, and it left out things such as the funny accents of townspeople, deciding not to stop for someone's funeral, and oxen constantly getting injured.


Those stupid oxen always got injured for no reason at all.  But the most glaring omission was the difficulty of fording the river.  Every frickin time when I thought I made it, I would drown at the last minute.

You were always better off paying the Indian to take the ferry.  I swear that river was the first Indian casino because they rigged it where the odds were against you unless you paid them to cross.

People say the game isn't really educational but I disagree.  I learned plenty of things from "The Oregon Trail."  

For instance, oxen suck, over hunting is fun, and death is kind of okay if you have a funny tombstone.

But most important was that cholera and dysentery produced severe diarrhea that you could die from and that I never wanted to die that way.

Toy Story 3 Meets Inception Trailer

Naturally the two biggest movies of the show need to be combined in one trailer.

Somehow Michael Caine doesn't seem out of place as a pink bear and the stuffing coming out of the elephant in slow motion is pretty cool.

There's enough crazy "Inception" theories out that I'm sure one of them involves "Toy Story 3."

Like maybe "Inception" isn't a real movie and it's just a dream within Woody's mind that we're all trying to steal before Woody wakes up to reveal that he's not a toy but actually Christopher Nolan.

I totally just blew some hipster's mind.

Oh Sheila

"Oh Sheila" by Ready for the World is another one of those great 80s songs you hear on the radio and can't help sing along to.  I may or may not have looked foolish when it came on in my car recently.

The 80s were a great time for generic R&B groups like Ready for the World.  Fortunately the "Oh Sheila" video is not as painful to watch as the "Rock Steady" video.

The members of Ready for the World actually look how you might think they do.  Well only if you imagined that they all rocked the 80s jheri-curl hard, like it was never gonna go out of style.



They all look like Eriq La Salle and his dripping jheri curl in "Coming to America," which was before  he started karate punching people in the "ER" hospital.

He was probably still angry about someone cutting off his sweet 80s jheri curl.

    

           Oh, oh Jheri Curl                                Touch my hair and I'll  

                                                                           karate punch you

Getting past the hair (which is hard to do), Ready for the World pulls out some sychronized dance moves that kind of make them look like a homeless Jackson 5.  

They're really trying to hide the band member in the yellow bandana that's a wanna be Prince.

He must have just missed the cut to be in the Revolution and this was his fall back band.   Maybe he still plays basketball with Prince though.

The production value of the video seems to indicate that a high school production class cut it, and they certainly love the triple freeze frame effect.  The only thing really missing is a star wipe.

All in all, I think this music video only makes me like the song more because I'll laugh when I think about the actual group and their jheri curls.

Surviving Bad Theater and Peep Show

There's not much worse than being stuck at a boring play.  Not all theater is bad but when it is, it's brutal.

You can't help think about the better things you could be doing with your time instead of being in the theater.

The UK comedy "Peep Show" humorously illustrates this unfortunate experience and how to deal with it in this theater scene.   

I especially like the line, "If this was on television, nobody would be watching." Because it's so true.  Next time I'm at a bad play, I'm pretending it's "Bad Boys."

Does Sookie Stackhouse Own a Pair of Pants?

I'm certainly not complaining that True Blood's Sookie Stackhouse portrayed by Anna Paquin always seems to be wearing short shorts of some kind, but it's kind of weird that she doesn't own jeans or any type of pants.

I don't think she even wore pants until two episodes ago at the werewolf bar and those weren't even her pants.  She borrowed them.

It can't always be so hot in Bon Temp that Sookie never needs to wear pants.  Besides she must get killed by mosquitoes because that place is like a swamp.

There has to be some reason for her aversion to pants.  Here's what I've come up with:

1.  Bill vampire hypnotized Sookie into never wearing pants.

Sookie under Bill's no pants spell

2.  Sookie can't hear people's thoughts if she has pants on.  Some people just work better without pants on .

3.  It's Tara's fault.  Let's be honest it's always her fault some how.

Girl you don't need no pants.

4.  Sookie doesn't have her clothes on long enough to justify wearing them.

5. Pants are actually the devil.  It's Bon Temps anything can happen.  It wouldn't be surprising if a group of evil pants starting killing people.

6. Sookie thinks pants killed her parents so she swore to never wear them.

7.  Nobody wears pants in porn so why would they in Vampire porn.

8.  Sookie turned every pair of pants she owns into cut offs.

9.  She was always getting blood on them so what was the point.

10. Although maybe it's a much simpler reason and like Homer Simpson, Sookie just hates pants.

Creepy Willem Defoe Voiced Polar Bear in the Freezer

No wonder British people eat awful food,  they have sadistic polar bears voiced by Willem Dafoe threatening them in Birds Eye product commercials.

Intimidation and creepiness are usually not the best approach to sell your product.  The polar bear looks and sounds like the snuggle bear's serial killer cousin.

That bear is going to murder that woman if she disobeys him and possibly have his way with her.  I don't really know what that polar bear is capable of.

If I lived in UK, I'd be afraid to open my freezer.  In fact I might not use it all out of fear.

I imagine that the polar bear does something like this Willem Dafoe character but instead yells the words "Eat it, Eat it!" at you.

That Guy

I apologize in advance because you're going to waste a lot of time on this website.  If you're ever watching TV or a movie and need to figure out who "that guy"is, then this is the website for you.

It features a comprehensive list of "that guys" based on the author's requirement for being "that guy."  They include aspects such as type casting, reminds you of someone more famous and ethnic stereotypes.

Although this list isn't perfect as it seems that it's severely lacking in minorities.  I don't even see a black guy on the list.  Come on, black actors practically invented "that guy."

Every black actor besides Denzel Washington, Terrence Howard, and Don Cheadle, is "that guy" to white people.  Like anybody knows Lorenz Tate and Morris Chestnut by name so they're quintessential "that guys."

Don't lie, I know you just clicked their names and were like "oh, that guy."

First Male Contraceptive Pill: Professional Athletes Rejoice

This is landmark day for professional athletes, especially NBA players.  The London Telegraph reports that scientists have developed male pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the womb.

And you'd only have to take this pill once every three months.  Maybe the athletes should have a party to celebrate this but I have a feeling that would just result in more pregnancies which would defeat the whole point.

This pill would probably help former NBA star  Shawn Kemp who has seven kids by six women.

Kemp's nickname was the Reign Man and was quite appropriate because he definitely made it rain with offspring in his spare time.


He was no Travis Henry though.  The former NFL running back has 11 children by 10 women.  Now that's what I call Red Zone efficacy.

Professional athletes could just stop having unprotected sex with every groupie they see, but that's as hopeless as telling an alcoholic not to drink or asking Hollywood to not make another stupid parody movie.

Although,  the real victims of this pill will be gold diggers.  They won't be able to be set for life because they're the baby's mama of some star athlete's child.

Unfortunately for the gold diggers,  they'll just be left with STDs, and athletes only buy Escalades for baby's mamas, not women with STDs.

And they won't get to call themselves "basketball wives" and have their own reality show despite never actually marrying a basketball player and really being more like a basketball girlfriend.

But don't worry the dream is still alive ladies, this male pill is at least three years away so there's plenty of time and women for professional athletes to accidentally impregnate.

Purple Drank and JaMarcus Russell

Oh JaMarcus Russell, you couldn't just stop at being one of the worst NFL quarterbacks ever.

You had to drag down the African-American community by playing to a stereotype and being arrested for illegally possessing a codeine syrup that's commonly known as Purple Drank when mixed with things such as 7-Up or Jolly Ranchers .


Purple Drank is pretty big in southern rap community as Three 6 Mafia's "Sippin on some Syrup" was actually about drinking it.

It apparently gives the user an altered state of consciousness. Although it doesn't matter how high Russell gets,  he's not going to find a realm where he's a good NFL quarterback.

Russell really couldn't have gotten arrested for weed or cocaine or something like that.  There's already an affiliation with black people liking Grape Drink.

Dave Chappelle's bit on the black kid wanting Grape Drink over Sunny D does make a lot more sense now though.



Here's the original Sunny D commercial.  That's how they get you, hook you on the Grape Drink as a kid because  Purple Drank is the adult version of it.

And, it's now clear that the Flaming Moe must have been a version of Purple Drank because its key ingredient was Krusty Brand Cough Syrup which turned the drink purple and made people act unusual.

Once again, everything in life comes back to "The Simpsons."

Icing Bros Movie Parodies

The whole icing a bro thing is pretty stupid to begin with but in this instance it's pretty amusing.  College Humor made a video that inserts the phenomenon into dramatic scenes in movies such as "The Shining," "Shawshank Redemption," and "Back to the Future II."

The whole "icing" in "Back to the Future II" raises quite the philosophical debate because icing someone could change the whole future.  Like maybe hoverboards do really exist because you messed up the time space continuum by doing it.

And could you just keep going back to the past to deice yourself so you'd never truly be iced.  What if you ice your future self?  These are all important questions that you should be thinking about.

Honda's Amazing Free Kick for Japan in 2010 World Cup

England's David Beckham isn't the only guy who can bend a soccer ball,  Japan's Keisuka Honda is pretty good at it too.

Check out Honda's amazing free kick against Denmark.  It's a great strike, but there's definitely something strange about the Jubalani, the official 2010 World Cup ball.   It knuckles like a Tim Wakefield pitch.

Maybe Honda was thinking about the soccer version of this before he struck the ball. Video after break.

Mr. Spriggs BBQ Commercial

This place must be for people who love their food, maybe a little too much.  You know the people who turn eating into a sexual experience.  Kind of like this.

Then again, who hasn't thought that combining an R&B slow jam with BBQ was a good idea.  I imagine that this is how R. Kelly or Keith Sweat enjoy their BBQ.

I bet Kelly sings "Seems Like Your Ready" to his food before he starts eating.  Hopefully, Kelly doesn't like to piss on his BBQ while eating though.

New Golden Eye 007 Video Game

In November, Activision will release a brand new Golden Eye game that's exclusively for the Wii.  This is a great / horrible news.

The original Golden Eye was definitely one of the best video games ever made, and the first to make multiplayer fun.

Also, there was nothing quite like telling someone that you were going to chop them to death then doing it and watching how angry that person got about it.

A new game is horrible news because the original nearly derailed my freshman year of college.  I had never played Golden Eye until my friends introduced me to it.

Naturally I got addicted because it was like some sort of gateway drug.  I played it as much as I could to make up for lost time. Not to mention, I was sick of constantly getting my ass kicked in multiplayer.
 
I even started missing classes to play it.  So what I'm saying is, if you find me living in a cardboard box in 2011, then you'll already know what happened to me.

Where to Watch 2010 Fifa World Cup Online

One of the greatest sporting events in the world, the 2010 Fifa World Cup starts today.  It's been four long years, but it's finally back.

If you're not already excited, then maybe the Simpsons soccer clip above can get you pumped for it.

Of course the only problem is that most of the matches take place during work hours.  Don't worry though, you can still keep track of the games by watching them online.

The best option for viewing games is ESPN3.com as they will have almost every World Cup streaming match streaming.  Although if you're like me and your stupid cable company doesn't allow you taccess ESPN 3 then there's another option.

Univision is streaming every single World Cup match for free at UnivisionFutbol.com.  Sure it's only in Spanish, but listening to Spanish announcers might be a better experience because they make everything more exciting.

Holds it, Holds it, Holds it!!! Here's a good example.  My life would be a lot more exciting if a Spanish announcer was doing play by play.

Even the mundane stuff like brushing my teeth would seem cool, and then I could celebrate after everything I did.

Here's some more ways to follow the World Cup online from Mashable.

Lost Explained

If you're still confused about the ending of Lost then this is your lucky day.

Apparently some guy who works at JJ Abrams's  Bad Robot production company has an explanation for the ending and insight into the writers' plan for the series.  Here it is.

Call me crazy, but I still think Richard Alpert's khakis  tie into all this somehow.

Hall and Oates "You Make My Dreams Come True"

It's always a good time to watch Hall and Oates "You Make My Dreams Come True" video. This video really will make all your dreams come true.  Assuming your dreams are awesome mustaches, keyboards  and crazy 80s dancing.

Anybody who doesn't like this video is dead inside, and I feel sorry for them.

Come on, Oates does the twist and shout while playing his guitar.  Nobody does that.  It takes some real talent to pull that off.

Oates always running up to get face time on the camera is great as well.  Okay, it might be a little creepy that he's constantly trying to eye fuck the audience, but I can get past that.

I think the real reason I love this video so much is that Hall and Oates dance like muppets.  In fact,  Oates constantly popping up and running towards the camera is exactly like the muppet in the Mahna Mahna song.



 It's uncanny really.  Oates must be the human version of that guy because  there's really no other explanation.

Worst Movie Trailers

It's been a long holiday weekend and I'm kind of tired so here's a blog called Worst Movie Trailers of All Time that lets you watch some of the worst movie trailers ever made.

One of them is a movie called "Gooby."  I'm not going to lie, "Gooby" is so strange that it kind of freaks me out.  Who thought that movie would ever be a good idea?

I bet the twist ending is that Gooby was really just some pedophile dressed up in a crazy suit so he could get next to kids.

Is anybody else not surprised that Eugene Levy is in this?  That guy never turns down a movie.  He's probably in half of these worst movie trailers.

Hope Springs Eternal for Hoverboard

HOVERBOARD - NILS GUADAGNIN from nils guadagnin on Vimeo.

After this week's horrible revelation about the hoverboard conspiracy, my dreams had been dashed. But now there's new hope for a hoverboard.

According to Gizmodo, a French artist Nils Guadagnin has created a real working model of a hoverboard.  There's only one problem though, you can't actually stand on it.  But Guadagnin is still my hero for doing this.

He's like the Luke Skywalker of hoverboard development.  If an artist can make a working hoverboard then someone else can definitely make a working one.

Eagle Eye

I would have had something better to post today, but I wasted two hours of my life watching "Eagle Eye" last night.   I really should have known better but I didn't.

The presence of Shia Lebeouf probably should have tipped me off that it would suck.  Including "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," he has stolen at least four hours of my life I can never get back.



Trust me, this movie is worse than you could ever imagine.  It involves a government super intelligence gathering computer named Eagle Eye that goes rogue and has decided to eliminate the whole executive branch.

Oh yeah, it's as stupid as that last sentence sounds.  Obviously,  nothing spells excitement like a stationary evil super computer as your villain.

Apparently nobody thought of a way to shut down this machine, so it takes two boring hours to determine that all you have to do is smash it with a metal rod.

Paint drying is more exciting than this movie.  And the computer conjures up some super-complicated assassination plot involving a children's band, a trumpet, The State of the Union Address and some crystal explosive when it could have just launched a missile and killed everyone.

Now only if I had the Prince of Persia's Dagger of Time to prevent myself from ever watching "Eagle Eye," but judging by the look of Jake Glyenhall, steroids are the only thing in that dagger.

Hoverboard Conspiracy

I'm glad someone one finally tackled the pressing issue of the hoverboards.  Apparently it wasn't all our imagination that hoverboards were real,  Robert Zemeckis intentionally deceived us into thinking they were.

It's all explained in Josh Cooley's humorous blog about it.  The guy is like the Woodward and Bernstein of hoverboards, although this is way more important than Watergate.

I'd say Zemeckis needs to be punished, but isn't being associated with the movie "Beowulf" really punishment enough.

Songs I Currently Hate

My life would be much better if I never heard any of these songs again.  In no particular order because they all suck equally:

Anything by Ke$ha 
I've already stated my dislike of her or anything associate with her, here.


Jason Derulo "In My Head"
Is there any reason he always has to sing his name to start songs.  If this song was stuck in my head  then death would be an appealing option.  Amazingly managed to make a song worse than "Whatcha Say."


Trey Songz  "Say Aah" 
Say aah this song sucks.  And what makes him think that anybody wants to listen to a song that starts with him telling some dude not to move his car.


Usher  featuring will. i. am "OMG" 
I don't get why it sounds like there's a stadium full of people behind them.  Unless this song is secretly suppose to be a Jock Jam.


B.O.B featuring Bruno Mars "Nothin on You"
Every five minutes this stupid song is on.  It's equivalent to the ramblings of a crazy homeless man in Washington D.C. except the homeless man sounds better.

An Algorithm That Detects Sarcasm, Yeah Right.

According to the London Telegraph, Israeli researchers have developed a computer algorithm that can pick up sarcasm.  Like that's even possible.  Sure they did.  And I just walked on the Moon.

Timbaland and Magoo: Where is Magoo?

Seriously,  what the hell happened to Magoo?  Magoo being one half of the rap duo, Timbaland and Magoo  It's like Magoo dropped off the map after 2003.

I can't say that I enjoyed Magoo's annoying and whiney rap style, but it's still kind of strange that he just disappeared.  Does Timbaland have him locked up in his basement or something?  

Maybe he realized that Magoo's annoying whiney raps were holding him back.  Where's Robert Stack when you need him?  This is an unsolved mystery.  Oh wait, I think he's dead.

But we still need "Unsolved Mysteries" to show us a creepy reenactment of what might have happened to Magoo.  Then maybe we could find him.

Here's a video of Timbaland and Magoo in action.

Maybe the most likely scenario is that much like Tweet, it was like oops there goes Magoo's career.

Anthony Cooper is John McCain

Has anybody else noticed that the "Lost" character Anthony Cooper looks a lot like John McCain?  The resemblance is uncanny.

This begs all kind of important questions.  For instance, are we all just living in a sideways world where   McCain is the sideways version of Cooper?

Maybe this is why people didn't want to elect McCain president.

Cooper

McCain
It's like looking in a sideways mirror.

Con man, politician it's pretty much the same thing.  And if this is really the case, then I'd watch my back if I was one of McCain's sons because we've all seen what  Cooper did to his son, Locke.

The other possibility is that Cooper is McCain's doppleganger.  Either that or I just think that all old white guys with grey hair look alike.