R. Kelly Just Wants to Get You Pregnant

R. Kelly has done it again.  This time he has a song called "Pregnant," and it's as bad as you think it is.

You really won't believe some of the lyrics here.  Nobody demeans women quite like Kelly as he describes meeting a woman at a club and croons "Never felt nothing like this,  she's more than a mistress, bout to handle my business then put that girl in my kitchen."

If that's not good enough, he pounds the point home with a chorus consisting of him singing " Girl you make me want to get you pregnant... Knock you up, knock you up."

Link to song after jump.

You can listen to it here.

 I'm sure there's several steps to Kelly getting a woman pregnant and his various songs and lyrics give us a hint about the process.  It's the "Ignition Remix" so he's probably out on the weekend having some fun at a "Fiesta Fiesta" when he sees you on the dance floor and starts "Feelin on yo Booty" because he says "I'm a Flirt." 

It's clear to him that "Your Body's Callin" so this leads to him taking you back to his room because it "Seems Like Your Ready" for a little "Bump and Grind."  Somehow you get "Trapped in the Closet" where you're like two gorillas in the jungle making love.  Finally that results in him "getting you pregnant."

Obviously you wouldn't be a woman, but an underage girl.  The only part I can't figure out is if the golden shower takes place before or after the getting you pregnant part.

Although I think Tracy Jordan of "30 Rock" best describes how R. Kelly wants to do it with this quote.

Kay This is Not How You Sell Jewelry

I can't believe this is a Kay Jewelers commercial because I thought for sure it was one for a horror or serial killer movie.  Maybe they should change their slogan to "every murder begins with Kay."

Nobody should trust this creepy sounding guy who just happens to take his girlfriend/wife up to a secluded cabin during a thunderstorm.  I'm sure it's just a coincidence that nobody can hear you scream up there too.


Although, it doesn't matter if he's clearly a psycho path or serial killer because he got her something from Kay and clearly that fixes everything.  Never mind, the weird shrine she found dedicated to her in his basement or that all his previous girlfriends mysteriously disappeared.  

The guy is about a second from going all Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" before the woman accepts his pledge of "always being there."  It's only then that he puts the knife behind his back away.

It's probably a good thing she didn't say, "What?  You didn't go to Jared?"  That wouldn't have ended well.

Sports Cameramen Kind of Racist

This has never made sense to me.  When a minority athlete is playing a sport, why does the cameraman always find a fan of the same minority group to focus on?  It's kind of offensive/racist.

The sport that's guilty of this more than any other is baseball.  A prime example are the at-bats of New York Yankees player Hideki Matsui.    The camera always manages to find some person of Asian decent to focus in on.  Even if there's only one in the whole crowd.


Most of the time it isn't a fan holding a sign for Matsui, but just a regular person who happens to be Asian.  It's like "Hey, there's an Asian fan and he must really be rooting hard for Matsui because they're alike."

It's unfair to make an assumption like that.  Also,  I don't see a cameraman immediately cutting to a fat fan or someone eating a sandwich when a fat guy is at-bat.

Although I'm sure Derek Jeter probably instructs cameramen to film all the hot chicks in the ballpark during his at-bats so he can decide which one he wants to plow (that's right, I said I was bringing "plow" back) after the game.

That's Not a Real Medical Condition

This is really weird, but the The London Telegraph reports that a 55-year-old Taiwanese man tricked up to 20 women into having sex with him in an elaborate scam where he posed as both a handsome young man and that man's ailing father.

Now you're probably thinking this must have been one brilliant guy to pull off a scheme like this, but you'd be wrong.  It's really just a case of 20 extremely stupid women.


Here's how he did it:

 By allegedly posting pictures online of a young male model that were suppose to him, he would get women to call him.  Once he had them on the phone, he would tell the women about his father who had a medical condition that required constant sex to stay alive.  After convincing them to have sex with the father, they would meet up with the "father" at a hotel.

These women didn't see anything wrong with this story?  Maybe they had family members that died from this debilitating condition that required constant sex.  Eastern medicine is suppose to be a little different, but not that different.

If this was a real condition,  there would be an awful lot of dead people.  Also, I think we already know what this guy's cure for constipation would be.

Clearly these women have had minimal social interaction, and would also like to see your trouser snake.  Even the worse, these women apparently agreed to whore themselves to some old man for free.  What normal guy would tell you that the way to his heart is having sex with his father?

Not only is that poor moral judgment, but also poor economics.  Although, now it makes a lot more sense why American men are always taking "business trips" to Asia.

Meep is Banned

Boston.com reports that a Massachusetts principle has banned the word "Meep" after students kept using it to interrupt school.  My first instinct is to say that these kids are awesome because this is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.  Just imagining teachers trying to talk and getting interrupted by "Meeps," cracks me up.


Not to mention that I support any use of Muppets or their sayings in the real world.  In fact, I think being a Muppet would be pretty sweet because you could just Muppet dance all the time.

Although, I'm gonna take away points from these students for organizing the activity on Facebook which isn't nearly as cool as doing by word of mouth.  As a reminder of how great Beaker is, here's him singing "Ode to Joy."

I Wanna Sex You Up

Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up

There aren't many things that embody the early 90s better than Color Me Badd and their song "I Wanna Sex You Up."  It has it all: cheesy 90s mustaches, bad clothing and outdated technology references.  In fact, Color Me Badd was clearly the inspiration for this classic video.

Watching the "I Wanna Sex You Up," video is always funny for numerous reasons.  First, it's clear that they just watched a bunch porn and modeled their video after it.  The whole video is them having sex with women in workplace environments while two women can't get enough of watching it all on video monitors or on their home TV.  Tell me, that's not something right out of porn.


Also, in the beginning of the video some woman randomly says, "Yes, I will watch my videocassettes."  Who the hell is she talking to or does she just like to announce everything she's about to do before she does it?  So maybe she did say, "Yes, I will watch the Color Me Badd video and rub my couch sexually during it."

Technically, the woman doesn't even say the line because all we see is the text.  I have two theories for this:  she must either be a pretty bad actress because they wouldn't let her say that line or she doesn't speaking English well.  It does kind of sound like something a person would say in broken English.

We haven't even gotten to how outdated the whole videocassettes line is, and the woman only makes it worse by saying "videocassettes" instead of "tape."  Is she sure she doesn't want to use her Betamax player too? 

There are some odd lyrics in the song too.   Color Me Badd sings at one point, "Let me take off all your clothes, disconnect the phone so nobody knows." I think he forgot to tell her to shut off her beeper as well.   It sounds kind of sketchy that a guy would want you to disconnect your phone.  Especially a guy who seems quite determined to "sex someone up."

Better yet, I'd like to see him try to tell a woman  to disconnect her phone now.   It would be like, "Ah yeah, it's not 1991 so I don't have a land line phone and I'm not shutting off my Iphone."

Another perplexing line from the song is "We can do it until we both wake up."  That kind of implies that they're having sleep while they're sleeping, which is just weird.  I didn't think that was possible, but the internet claims that sleep sex is real. 

Lastly, if I ever went up to a woman and told her "I wanna sex you up," I'm positive it wouldn't go as well as it did for Color Me Badd.  I'd probably get slapped, laughed at, emasculated, and never be able to show my face in that place again.  Although, on second thought maybe it's not such a bad idea...

Ian Mckellan Suffers with the Idiots on The View

Courtesy of the LA Times,  Ian Mckellan's painful experience on"The View" last week.  Mckellan appeared on the show to promote "The Prisoner,"  an upcoming AMC series that premiers on November 15th.

I thought I knew nothing about "The Prisoner" until someone explained the premise to me, and I realized "The Simpsons" had parodied it in a season 12 episode called "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes" (Sorry no clip because Hulu doesn't have it, and most other Simpsons clips don't work).  That only reinforces  my theory that everything in life can be related back to "The Simpsons," although I'll talk about that another time.

Video after the jump.


Anyway, the four woman on "The View" only reinforce the stupidity and tactless nature of the show.  They're ill-prepared as they do such things as promoting their views against national health care, incorrectly pronouncing Mckellan's "X-Men" character's name as "Mag-Netto" as well as idiotically asking Mckellan if he will reprise his role in the "Harry Potter" movies even though he's never been a part of the franchise.

He plays Gandolf in "The Lord of Rings" movies, but I guess the women on "The View" can't differentiate from two older British guys who happen to play wizards in movies.  Amazingly, Mckellan handles this situation with utmost poise, which only proves what a great actor he must be because I'm sure he wanted to slam all their faces into that coffee table.

Fabolous Ruined the Economy

The rapper Fabolous has a song  called "Throw it in the Bag" in which he boasts about having so much money that he doesn't need to look at the price so you can just throw it in the bag.  Really, Fabolous? You think it's a great idea to perpetuate the idea that it's cool to just buy whatever you want without looking at the tag?

 I think that's how we ruined the economy in the first place because people were buying tons of stuff they couldn't afford.  Now all these kids are going to think it will be cool to buy expensive things with no disregard for money.  Fabolous even says, "F**k the price just throw it in the bag."


Nobody should be taking financial advice from a guy that can't even spell fabulous correctly, and talks so slow that he needs five minutes to complete a sentence.  That's like asking Lindsey Lohan about good acting or anything about life.

Not to mention, if Fabolous keeps "throwing it in the bag" he's gonna end up as bankrupt as MC Hammer  without even a bag to throw stuff in.

Cheaters is Fake

Most likely you've at least heard of, if not seen the syndicated reality show "Cheaters."  Nobody really intends to watch "Cheaters," but it's 2 am, nothing else is on, and you're either too drunk, tired, or lazy to change the channel. 

Basically, a man or woman hires the show to conduct surveillance on their partner because they believe that he or she is cheating on them (of course they always are).   The real fun starts when sleazy host Johnny Grecco forces the client to watch video footage of the cheating, and pushes them to confront the cheater who gets caught in the act.  During this confrontation, Grecco further incites the situation by saying things such as " You're gonna let him/her treat you like this?" and other inflammatory remarks.

The conflict then devolves into a succession of expletives and physical violence that's quite entertaining (hey don't judge me, it's 2 am).  It's like a goldmine of late night television.

Well, all that is ruined now as the Hollywood Reporter details that "Inside Edition" found that at least two "Cheaters' episodes were scripted. One couple was paid to cheat and the show's most infamous moment, where Grecco allegedly got stabbed on a boat was staged.

Why "Cheaters?"  Why?  The show has such a low production quality that  I'm surprised it can even afford to pay people to pretend.  This isn't "The Hills" after all.  I feel cheated because the one amusing aspect of the show was that real people could be this crazy. I.think my feelings can best be described through this.

Now I might question if all those black people yelling "Yo, it's cheaters, it's cheaters," when a enraged women  confronted her boyfriend in the club was real. But I know that had to be authentic as you can't fake that type of enthusiasm.   In the beginning, the show was probably real because it seemed that people had no idea about their rights so their faces were never blurred or name bleeped.

Although the longer the show went on, you could see the show didn't feel as natural as every name and face was disguised along with a poorer quality of surveillance.  That was probably a good clue that it was fake, and staging a fake stabbing is just sad. I'm will to bet there were plenty of people who would have stabbed Grecco for fre

So long "Cheaters," I guess it's back to facebook and youtube for get my fill of dysfunctional relationships with irrational behavior.

Christopher Walken Does Lady Gaga's Poker Face

Oh yeah, it's just as amazing as you would think it would be.  The only way it could have been better was if Walken did this as well.  You have to give the British credit though,  they always seem to get celebrities to do more crazy stuff  than they usually do for us.  I think it's because they're constantly  encouraging guests to drink during their shows. 

Does this count as the second time a man has performed this song since nobody really knows what Lady Gaga is?  Although not current, this also would have been a good song for Walken to perform.