Cold Pizza Equals Domestic Violence

At least that's what this 90s anti-abuse ad seems to indicate.  Clearly domestic abuse is not a laughing matter, but this over the top ad isn't helping people take it seriously.

It's difficult to get past the whole pizza issue.  Last time I checked, pizza wasn't the gateway drug to domestic violence.

What did pizza ever do to anybody?  Nobody would get that irrationally angry about pizza.  Even a guy who's lactose intolerant wouldn't get that angry.

I mean I saw some bizarre stuff go down at Papa Gino's back in the day, but nothing like this.

Yet, this isn't even the craziest domestic violence commercial ever made.  Let's just say that Canadians take it to a whole new level, and saying "sore-ree" won't help.  This clip contains some NSFW language:

James Bond Jr.

Everything about this 1991 cartoon show is awful.  The theme song is one of the worst things I've ever heard, and the whole concept lacks logic.

Why make a show based around Bond lore when the character can't womanize or kill people?  These are essential Bond activities.

Then there's the whole junior issue.  The character didn't have to be a junior because it just could have been a younger version of James Bond instead.

Even worse, James Bond Jr. isn't even James Bond son,  he's his nephew.  That makes no sense at all.  

I think this probably explains the creative process behind the show.  There's really no other explanation.

Big: Piano Scene

Playing the Piano
Big at MOVIECLIPS.com

One of the best scenes from the movie "Big" is this one.  If you can't enjoy it then you may in fact be dead inside.

I'm still waiting for my moment to shine on a giant piano.

When it does happen, I'm not going to waste my time playing songs like "Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks."

Instead I'll play the "Beverly Hills Cop" theme "Axel F" with a cool old black guy who joins in and is surprisingly nimble.

Then it turns out that I helped him rediscover his passion for the piano.  Not that I'll put a lot of thought into this or anything.  

Signs of Recording Artists That Can't Dance

Elaborate dance routines are hard so there's no shame in some recording artists not being able to do them.

But some artists, especially pop stars can't leave it at that.  Pop stars usually compound the problem by trying to use smoke and mirrors to hide their lack of dance skills.

If anything, it only draws more attention to the situation.

Honestly, I don't know why this bothers me so much but it does.

It's an Abed from "Community" like concern.   Maybe it's because I don't like to be deceived, who knows?

Anyway, there's always a couple of tell tale signs in a music video when an artist can't dance.

First, there will be a lot of back up dancers to draw your attention away from the artist along with convenient close up shots of the back up dancers.

That's not enough though.  The real key is having the artist do a couple simple moves he or she learned to make it appear he or she is dancing well.

This is further complimented by making sure there's only quick cuts of the artist dancing before cutting away to another scene or back up dancers.

Sometimes if the artist is really bad then the wide or arial camera shot is used so there's not a focus on the artist's dancing but instead the group.

Of course the heyday for pop stars pretending they could dance was the late 90s and early 2000s.

Record labels were trying to keep up with Britney Spears so every teen girl recording artist had to be a dancing and singing Lolita.

This was unfortunate for Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore because they got forced to go outside their skill set and had to awkwardly dance in their music videos.

Moore's dancing in the video "Candy" gets spliced with shots of a guy skateboarding to try to make it look better.  No wonder Moore hates the video and can't bare to watch it.

Well that and all the inappropriate sexually innuendo the song and video represents.

Simpson's "Irresistible" video has to be the ultimate example of a pop star who can't dance.  The dancing is so bad, it's uncomfortable to watch.  It's like watching a drunk girl dance at a party.

Instead of hiding Simpson's dancing skills,  the video showcases just how bad of a dancer she is.

There's more recent examples of pop stars feigning dance skill as well.  Take for instance Katy Perry who tries to dance in her video Hot n' Cold.

Sure she tries to play it off as a joke, but that's probably because she couldn't learn the dance moves.

Then there's the video for the song "Come Hit Me Up" from the movie "Happy Feet."  Clearly this  Gia Farrell person can't dance, but since the song is connected to the movie she has to.

The video employes all the tricks such as focus on back up dancers,  the artist doing a few simple dance moves, quick cuts, and wide shots to hide her lack of dance skills.

The real lesson in all of this is that artists should take Phil Collins's advice and accept when they can't dance.

You're the Man Now Dog

Sean Connery's classic line, "You're the man now dog" from the 2000 movie "Finding Forrester" never gets old.

It's just as funny as the first time I heard it.  Eleven years has done nothing to diminish it.

The YTMND website it inspired is still amusing even though it's basically the endless audio looping of that line.

Nobody inspires urban youth quite like Connery.  If only I had someone like Connery to tell me that I was indeed the man now dog,  life would be so much better.

I mean constantly telling yourself that in the mirror with a faux Connery impression is okay, but it's not the same.

Bad Dudes

I was recently reminded of the 80s arcade and Nintendo game "Bad Dudes."  Looking back, it truly had to be one of the laziest video games ever created.

They just tried to make a game around buzz words.  In fact, the internet confirms that the game is based on 80s pop culture when Michael Jackson's "Bad" and ninjas were popular.

The plot focused around ninjas kidnapping the U.S. president only reinforces this belief.  Because you know, ninjas are always doing stuff like that.

Not to mention, the government asks two street smart brawlers named Blade and Striker to rescue the president.

It's probably because of their cool 80s names and the fact that Nitro and Laser were unavailable.

I imagine the development of this game went something like this:

Executive # 1:  What if the main characters are bad, but they're also                                      dudes?  They're bad dudes.

Various Executives agree.

Executive # 1:  Okay, now we need a plot.
Executive # 2:  How about ninjas kidnap the president?
Executive # 1:  Great.
Executive # 3:  Are you sure we should just use the first idea we come up                              with?
Executive # 1:  Why not?  It's good enough.

Jennifer Lopez's Fiat Commercial

A commercial hasn't annoyed me this much since every Old Navy commercial ever made.

It doesn't help that it's shown ten million times during NFL football games in an attempt to brainwash you into buying a Fiat.

You know because football fans are clearly the target audience for a Fiat.  They'll just get one instead of that pick up truck they wanted.

Even worse, the commercial expects you to believe several things that just aren't true.

First, that people would care that much to chase after Jennifer Lopez driving a car.

At most someone would mention in passing that Lopez was driving some weird European car and go back to that they were doing.

Second, we're still supposed to think Lopez is some huge sex symbol.

A 42-year-old woman trying to be sexy and dancing awkwardly in front of a car doesn't make me want to buy it.

I'd want nothing to do with that car.  Especially if that's the type of woman it's going to attract.

The commercial only has one use: as a means of psychological torture though.  Show that enough times to anybody and they'd definitely break.

US Soccer's New Hope: German Black Guy Movement

U.S. Men's Soccer is trying everything to elevate their program so they can realistically compete for a World Cup in the future.

They've hired former German star Jurgen Klinsmann as head coach and are over hauling their development but their most promising initiative may be entirely unintentional: African-American servicemen based in Germany.

These men may have single-handedly created the next generation of American soccer players.

They're seemingly getting German women pregnant at a rate comparable to NBA players.

Although I'm pretty sure this isn't their intention when they're trying to bed German women.  It's more like an unexpected benefit as they're serving their country in more ways than one.

A serviceman can theoretically tell the woman he got her pregnant that he did it for the good of U.S. Soccer, but that's probably not the best card to play in that situation.

It seems like there's an explosion of black German-born soccer players with American servicemen fathers who are eligible and want to play for the United States.  It's crazy.

These players include Jermaine Jones, Fabian Johnson, Timmy Chandler, and Danny Williams who all ply their trade in Germany.

It's almost the perfect plan because soccer people are always complaining that top U.S. athletes don't want to play soccer.

But in this case, the players come up through the vastly superior German system where they develop their technical skills and then the US reaps the benefit of the finished product.

In fact it's so good a system I wonder if US soccer is covertly behind it.  If so, they should expand the program to other countries.

It's entirely possible the U.S. could win the World Cup by just getting women pregnant in soccer rich countries.

Sesame Street Glee Parody "G"

Another great Sesame Street  parody as this time they do "Glee."  Except they call it "G" because it's centered around learning the letter "G."

They really nail it with characters Mr. Gooschuester, their version of Mr. Schuester, the Rachel Berry Muppet and the Sue Muppet.

But I especially like the last time on "G" beginning where they mention that the G club got a goat to play guitar and the goose gobbling because it's just as ridiculous than some of the stuff that actually happens on "Glee."

In fact I'm not sure a goat hasn't done that on the show.

It's also great when they poke fun at "Glee" for its elaborate performances even though the club is supposed to be poor  with Mr. Gooschuester saying, "good thing we have a big budget."

Once again this proves that everything in life is better with Muppets.

"Saturday Night Live' better watch its back because "Sesame Street" is consistently making funnier parodies.

Here's some other "Sesame Street" parodies: Mad Men and Old Spice

Sydney gets hit by car on Melrose Place

Sydney getting hit by a car is one of the greatest TV moments even if you've never seen "Melrose Place" before (skip ahead to 50 sec for the good part).

Think about it.  How many times do you really get to see someone in a wedding dress get hit by a car on TV?

It's the perfect storm of a ridiculous scene with special effects that are laughably bad and tons of poor acting to go with it.

The quick cut from Sydney's face before getting hit makes it quite obvious that they used a rag doll and then dressed up a stunt guy in a wedding dress to roll on the ground.

The wedding photographer had two lines and couldn't even say them like he wasn't reading off a script.  Especially the lackluster "look out" line.

Then there's the guy unnecessarily yelling in the background about trying to get the car door open who's trying to make this his moment to shine.

Not to be upstaged, the groom pulls out every trick in his dramatic acting playbook before he has to yell "She's dead" to eliminate any doubts that Sydney might be alive.

WhoNu Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, an Oreo Rip Off

WhoNu chocolate sandwich cookies are yet another feeble attempt to make imitation Oreo cookies.

A lot of people think of the Hydrox cookie as a common knock off of the Oreo cookie like WhoNu, but the Hydrox cookie actually came before the Oreo.

When will people learn there can only be one Oreo cookie and nobody wants an inferior version?

It's like asking your Mom to get Fruit Loops and having her get generic store brand Fruit-O's instead.  No, it's not the same basic cereal.

This one has a weird aftertaste and instead of Toucan Sam on the box it's a strange looking Toucan that's so irregular it could be sold at Marshalls and probably has bird flu.

WhoNu even attempts to emulate the signature design pattern of the Oreo cookie.  Much like the Hydrox cookie design, it pales in comparison to the Oreo one.  

The weak design is yet another indication of WhoNu's inferior quality.  

Of course, the Oreo design can never be beaten because apparently it's so intricate it's like the "Da Vinci Code" conspiracy of cookie designs.  See what I mean here. 

WhoNu's selling point is that the cookies have more nutruitional value than a regular cookie because it contains essential vitamins along with iron and calcium.

Yeah, I don't think anybody is eating chocolate cookies for their nutritional value.  If they are, then they have issues.

If anything, it will just trick people into thinking that eating a bunch of cookies is fine because it has benefits.

Knowing that you have a sufficient amount of vitamin A isn't going to make you feel better when you have diabetes.  Instead you'll just be like this guy with diabetes.

Ain't No Thing but an Offensive T-Shirt

I can't believe that someone would actually sell this t-shirt nevermind wear it.  It "ain't no thang" but a minstrel show on that t-shirt.

The type of person who made/owns this t-shirt must use the phase "I'm not racist but..." a lot,  and we've already seen how well that works out.

Of course that means their justification for wearing it would probably be "I'm not racist but I really like this t-shirt."

Carl Jr's Robot Commercial

This Carl's Jr commercial is great.  It really affects me more than it should.  That robot is so ready to eat that chicken sandwich then it can't.

I mean that's tragedy.  Probably the first time the robot realizes it's not a human, and it's so depressed at the end.

You can't help feel bad for the robot.  The 30-second commercial is as surprisingly sad as the movie "Jack."

You go in expecting a light and stupid Robin Williams comedy because nothing else is on TV then it gets all serious and sad out of nowhere.

I'm a little concerned that I feel worse for that robot in commercial than I do for some people in real life, but that robot is also better than some people .

Mr. Saxobeat

If you still doubted that the sax is really back,  then "Mr. Saxobeat" proves it.

I randomly heard this song by Romanian pop star Alexandra Stan and couldn't believe it was real.

She actually made a song about how much she loves the saxophone and/or a saxophone player.

Naturally because it's about the saxophone it has to be sexual.  Sorry, those are just the rules.

Since "Mr. Saxobeat" is a Romanian song, it's completely possible that the 80s saxophone craze just reached Romania.

But it's not just a Romanian thing as it's popular in Europe, Canada, Latin America and is even in the U.S. Billboard  Hot 100.

The best part of it has to be the video though.  It's further proof that almost everything on TV in Europe is either porn or very close to it.

Its plot of three femme fatals getting arrested then using their charm to escape is straight out of a porn.

For a second, I was worried that I was unknowingly watching one until I remembered it was youtube.

The women seem to spend a lot more time dancing in an alley in police uniforms than escaping.

When they finally do,  nobody happens to notice that the women dressed like strippers pretending to be cops aren't real cops.  

And for all this talk about "Mr. Saxobeat," there's not even a saxophone or saxophone player in the video.

Although, I think deep down we all know who her "Mr. Saxobeat" is.  She's not fooling anybody.

There's only one guy who could inspire her like that: Sergey Stepanov aka  Epic Sax Guy.

Return of the Sax

Clearly, I tempted the saxophone gods with my post about the 80s ridiculous love of the saxophone because  it's randomly back in full force.

People love the saxophone again.  There's saxophone solos in pop songs such as Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory" and Katie Perry's "Last Friday Night," and even Bon Iver is incorporating the saxophone into  his songs

I guess it makes sense though.  People keep trying to bring back movies and TV shows from the 80s so eventually they were going to make their way to saxophone.

Musician Glenn Frey has to be pumped about this because he loved the 80s sax.  He's been waiting years for this.

I think his best friend is Steve Sax, not the former baseball player but a sax he named Steve.

Frey's 80s songs "The Heat is on" and "You Belong to City" are like saxophone porn.

But if there's one person who really spearheaded the revival of the saxophone, it has to be this guy with his unbridled passion for it.

Studio Notes on Raiders of the Lost Ark

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" is a great movie, but it could have been a disaster if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had taken the bad notes they allegedly received from a studio executive.

Courtesy of the blog Notes From Execs, these are the notes they got.  It's a pretty funny read because they're so absurd.

Within the first couple of notes, the studio executive already dislikes the things that make Indy distinctive  including his hat, archaeology background, whip and fear of snakes.

Instead he believes that Indy be a spy or cop that bites the heads off of snakes and spits the poison at the guys chasing him.

As for the whip he says, "Whip?  What is he a lion tamer? No.  Lose the whip."

Most of the other studio executive's notes indicate that he wanted "Raiders of the Lost Ark" to be more like a soft core porn.  In every scene, he thinks Indy should be "boning" a woman.

He has a really strong affinity for using the word "boning."   When the studio executive references the girl with the writing on her eyelids, he says,

"This is precisely why he should be a cop.  Cause he's a teacher, he can't take her out back and bone her"

That's not even his best one, although there's a little bit of build up to it.

It would happen after the executive suggests Indy finds out where the government put the Ark by slamming a federal agent down on a table and yelling,

"Top men are going to be needed to put you back together when I've beaten you like a Mexican housekeeper for not letting me investigate that Ark and all the little aliens that keep flying out of it."

These notes are really like a window to the soul of a nymphomaniac, abusive, and racist studio executive.

Anyway, then the federal agent would tell Indy where the Ark is so Indy could find it and logically "bone" Marion on top of it.

Although the worst part in all this is that you realize that Lucas and Spielberg actually took one of this guy's awful notes and used it in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

"How about monkeys in the jungle in the beginning, and they help him fight those guys with blow pipes?  Indy could swing on a vine and do a Tarzan cry, it would be exciting and hilarious!"

If there was any doubt that the last Indiana Jones was an abomination of a movie then this definitely proves it.

Ian Darke: The Best Thing to Happen to American Soccer Coverage

You may not know who British play-by-play announcer Ian Darke is, but he has elevated American soccer coverage.

Since ESPN hired him to call the 2010 Fifa Men's World Cup,  he has brought enthusiasm to the game of soccer that had been missing in the United States.  

He continues to do this with his coverage of the 2011 Fifa Women's World Cup.

Darke's not pretending to be interested in soccer like some other play-by-men, he's genuinely excited about great soccer plays and it shows.

Nothing exhibits this more than Darke's call of Holland's Giovanni Van Bronchorst goal against Uruguay as "An Absolute Firecracker" in last year's World Cup (the video at the top of this post).

He's soccer's equivalent of  Gus Johnson, the energetic football and basketball play-by-play who's a fan favorite.

They both strike the perfect balance between embracing a fan's excitement, but not going over the top.

American soccer has been fortunate to have two of its greatest moments enhanced by Darke's dramatic calls.

Landon Donovan's goal to beat Algeria and send the U.S. to the second round of the 2010 Men's World Cup and Abby Wambach's miracle 122 minute goal to tie Brazil in the quarterfinals of this year's Women's World Cup were both called by him.

They're great plays on their own, but Darke really captures the elation of these moments.

With Darke signed to ESPN through the 2014 Fifa World Cup, I look forward to more exciting soccer coverage from him.

I'm Not Racist But

The website I'm Not Racist But is definitive proof that nothing good can happen when a person starts a sentence like that.

The only thing worse than that might be someone starting a sentence with "Let's eat at Arby's."

The website searches facebook for all the public status messages that begin with those words and then posts them.

It's crazy how many people seem to think the phase gives them a free pass to say whatever they want.

From what I've seen, there's a strong correlation between "not being racist" and not knowing how to properly use words such as "too" or "there."

Comments range from the curious "Not to be racist but do all Asians run like there (sic) some type of ninja" to "I'm not being racist but they were black and it seems these days that black people are inconsiderate of others."

But at least this idiocy does get amusingly mocked like this, this, and this by the website.

Of Course They Found Whitey Bulger in Santa Monica

It's funny that the FBI found infamous Boston mobster Whitey Bulger in Santa Monica because it's the first place you would look in the Los Angeles area for a Boston transplant.

For some reason, Bostonians are really attracted to that area.  It's like a moth to a flame, and apparently Bulger was no exception as he's been living there since 1999.

At first glance it seems likes a pretty stupid place to hide, but maybe that's why it was so great.

With tons of other Bostonians in the area,  he was just another guy with a strong Boston accent living in Santa Monica.  Nothing unusual about that.

I'm only surprised that the FBI didn't catch Bulger in Sonny McLean's, the notable Boston sports bar in Santa Monica.

The Return of Return of the Mack

It's the return of the mack once again as an artist has decided to cover Mark Morrison's 1996 hit song "Return of Mack."

The cover version renamed "The Mack" by some guy called Mann and featuring Snoop Dogg is an awful auto-tuned mess that pales in comparison to the original.

I just don't get why anyone would feel the need to make a new version of "Return of the Mack."

I appreciate the song, but it's not exactly a masterpiece.   People must really be running out of ideas when they're resorting to this.

And if you listen to the lyrics of "Return of the Mack"  they don't make much sense.

For a guy who was allegedly a mack,  he spent a lot of time whining about a woman lying to him and crying instead of macking.

Mark Morrison is British though, so maybe that's how the British define macking.

Do it for Mom HIV Test Billboard

The same people who brought us this bizarre billboard have put up another equally perplexing HIV test billboard.

Apparently we should all be inspired to get an HIV test in honor of our mothers, which makes no sense at all.

I don't think a lot of mothers would be thrilled to hear their child say, "Hey,  I was thinking about you so I got a free HIV test."

Besides your mother being offended, it probably results in an unsettling conversation about why you think you need an HIV test.

One that might include your mother wanting to repeat a safe sex speech she gave you as a teenager that was so awkward you've tried to block it out.

Finally,  it's somewhat disturbing that a person's thought process would jump from a life threatening virus usually contracted through having unprotected sex or using dirty needles to their mother.

Cheryl Cole's Brief Time in America: a Blessing in Disguise

Everybody knows by now, Cheryl Cole's experience in America didn't go as well as planned as she was unceremoniously axed from  "X Factor."  Cole barely lasted a week.

I'm still surprised that Cole's introduction was such a disaster.

The whole situation with Fox was like watching a father give his daughter a bike with training wheels but then change his mind and push his daughter off the bike.

But I've come to the conclusion that maybe Cole's brief time in America was a good thing.  Cole might have been another British thing that America ruined.

America doesn't exactly have the best track record importing British culture.

Sure it got "The Office" right, but they absolutely messed up British TV shows like "Coupling" and "Skins."

There's a tendency to adapt or americanize these things that usually backfires.   Taking out all the British influence  usually detracts from the original product.

"American Idol" wouldn't have succeeded if they told Simon Cowell to tone down his blunt British behavior and accent.

It seemed like Cole was going down this path as Fox allegedly wanted her to get rid of her accent,  lose weight and change her style.  

For all we know, this could have ruined her appeal and made her another generic American pop star.

Even if Cole had succeeded in becoming popular in the U.S., there was the risk of her getting overexposed.

It might have been too much of a good thing.  Besides there's a certain appeal to something that's foreign and not commonplace.

Look at Victoria Beckham, she was a lot more interesting to Americans before she lived here full time.

The most important thing is that all this reasoning makes me much feel better about Cheryl Cole finally coming to America then leaving so quickly.

Foreign Titles for American Movies

Movie titles are pretty important as they serve as a kind of introduction to a movie.

They can make a negative or positive first impression on an audience and often provide an indication of the genre and subject of a movie.

I don't think people would love "Pretty Woman" as much if it was called "LA Prostitute" or "Dirty Dancing" if it was named "Statutory Rape Dancing."

Obviously movie studios put a lot of thought into these titles, which is why it's always interesting to see how American film titles sometimes change in foreign countries.

A major difference with foreign titles is that subtlety goes completely out the window.

Forget being clever,  foreign audiences apparently want to know exactly what they're getting even if the title gives away some of the plot.

For instance, the American titled "Adventures in Babysitting" (an underrated classic) gets changed to "A Night on the Town" in the United Kingdom.

It does away with any cleverness to just describe what happens in the movie as simply as possible.  Yet it completely fails to mention babysitting which is the whole point of the movie.

In addition, the U.K. title spoils that most of the plot takes place in the city despite starting out in the suburbs.

Not to mention, it might mislead people into thinking the movie's about prostitutes if they see it on late night TV.

But even that title isn't as bad as the U.K. "Mighty Ducks" title of "Mighty Ducks Are the Champions."  Could you be anymore blunt about what happens?  Besides I prefer the German title "Mighty Ducks - Das Superteam."

Movie titles really get lost in translation in France.  My friend was there in 1999 when he noticed that the forgettable movie "Chill Factor" starring Cuba Gooding Jr. was playing at a movie theater.

Except its French title was "50 degres Fahrenheit."  It is relevant to the movie, but I think it's more "Oh those crazy Americans and their crazy use of Fahrenheit."

At least that's better than the offensive French title of "Rasta Rocket" for "Cool Runnings."  I bet their second choice was "Four Black Guys in a Bobsled."

Even "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" isn't immune to a  foreign title change.  In Spain it's called "All in One Day" and in Argentina it's known as "An Expert in Fun."

Foreign countries should just keep the American movie titles because it's for the best.

I'm actually shocked that "Philadelphia"  kept its title in foreign markets because I thought for sure that would be too vague and some country would rename it "AIDS."

Jesse Heiman Really Does Want to be Jonah Hill

Back in September, I wrote about Jesse Heiman the ubiquitous background actor in TV and film.

Since then,  he's gained notoriety through a youtube video showcasing his numerous appearances.

In my post, I mentioned that he was kind of like a poor man's Jonah Hill.

Apparently I was right about that as Heiman said something similar in an April interview with The Guardian. 

"I'm a character actor... I think I could become one of the great character actors like Jonah Hill."

I was also correct in thinking that Heiman doesn't like Hill.   He met Hill once on a set, and thought Hill was a jerk.  

If I were Hill,  I'd watch my back because Heiman wants his career and will cut him.

Offensive Hair Cubed Yarmulke Commercial

I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying that marginalizing the Jewish faith in an offensive way is not the best way to sell your awful product.

Add that to the high school production value as well as the poor acting and you have one really bad commercial.

I also don't understand why you would tell someone that you're using a hair replacement product when the whole point is to make it look like it's your real hair.

But apparently that's what sketchy guys who hang out in the park all day do.

Although maybe the whole point was to make it so inappropriate and bad that you remember the commercial.

Cheryl Cole Officially Coming to America as X Factor Judge

Cheryl Cole is finally coming to America as a judge for the US version of "X Factor."  What a week for America.  They got Bin Laden and Cole.

I was ahead of the curve on this because as far back as December 2009, I've been stating my case for her to come to America.

I've reiterated this belief multiple times since then, such as here and here.

For some reason my thoughts turn to Cole during the winter and especially the months of December and January because that's when all my previous posts were.

There's really not much I can say about Cole that I haven't already said.  If you need to find me, I'll be the guy doing this today:

NBC's The Voice: Surprisingly and Strangely Entertaining

I was as pessimistic about "The Voice" as a lot of other people.  The last thing anybody needs is another stupid singing competition.  I had no intention of ever watching it.

The four judges,  Christina Aguilera, Cee-Lo, Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and some guy Blake Shelton sit with their backs turned to the performer, turning around only when they like what they hear.

But last week as I had it on as background noise while doing something else, it was surprisingly and strangely entertaining television.

It's mostly because of Christina Aguilera who's a crazy combination of Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell.  She lacks the ability to hide her true feelings and it's great.

When someone sucks, she can't resist cringing her face.  If a contestant spurns her for another judge, you can see her disgust and anger.  She wants to destroy them.

Especially when a person picks Adam Levine.  There's a good chance Aguilera's going to leap from her chair and bludgeon Levine before the show's over.

Then I had to keep watching when I noticed there was something weird about Cee-Lo's appearance.  It took me awhile, but I discovered what it was: he has short T-Rex arms and small hands.

Forget palming a basketball, I'm not sure he can even palm a baseball.  All this makes it extra creepy when he hits on the women contestants.

If that's not enough, there's also a contestant named Jeff Jenkins who I've nicknamed Angus because of his resemblance to the title character of the vastly underrated 1995 movie "Angus."

Jeff Jenkins or as I call him Angus

That movie was awesome and if you have seen it, you'd know why you have to root for anybody like Angus.

Plus, it's extremely rare to be able to make an "Angus" reference so I support anything that allows me to do so.  I hope James Van Der Beek isn't around to bully and mess up Jenkins though.

Finally, I think I take way more enjoyment than I should from watching none of the judges turn their chairs around for a contestant.

Beyonce's Convincing Argument to Make Kids Exercise and Eat Healthy

As part of Michelle Obama's Let's Move initiative to encourage kids to exercise and eat healthy, Beyonce turns a school cafeteria into a dance party.

Nothing this cool ever happened in my high school cafeteria.  All we had were fights and people yelling "ooooooh."

But the real star of this video is the chubby kid who starts off clapping and then dances in the front with Beyonce.

He's about a second from getting beat up before Beyonce runs out.  I bet this video saved him from getting diabetes, becoming Big Pun, or even worse Mini Daddy.

Charlie Sheen and his Character in Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I think we're all tired of Charlie Sheen's nonsense at this point, but I was watching "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"and noticed how similar Sheen is to his character in the film.

It's crazy how much alike they are. Watch the clip above and you'll see what I mean.

He's talking about being there for the drugs, and acting like he's some guru life coach when he's really just a burnout.

He spouts things such as you should worry about yourself instead of other people, and pretty much says you shouldn't get pissed off at people who are "winning" at life like Ferris Bueller.

Now I think it's possible that Sheen is drawing inspiration from his bit character in the movie.  Especially if his behavior is all an act.

Although I don't care how much someone is winning at life, nobody would ever be able to take over a city parade like Ferris Bueller did.

Neil Young Really Needs a Maid

We all don't like to clean and would prefer to have someone else do it, but Neil Young took it to another level.  He wrote a whole song about it.

He could have just put an ad in the paper like a normal person.  

But Young must really want one because I've never seen somebody sing so passionately about needing someone to clean their house. 

I suspect the song is based on the 1833 original "A Man Needs a Slave."

Superman II Not as Good as I Remembered

I really wish I hadn't watched "Superman II" last weekend.  To my dismay, it turned out to be another one of the movies that seemed a lot better as a kid.

I remember loving Superman II although that's apparently because I blocked out everything, but the awesome last 30 minutes, which is full of people getting thrown into Coke signs and Marlboro cigarette  trucks.

The previous hour is boring and slow so that's why I probably forgot about it.

Superman does almost nothing except for stop some French terrorists at the Eiffel Tower in the beginning.  Then he strips himself of his powers for Lois Lane so he can't be Superman anymore.

It's essentially a romantic comedy disguised as Superman for that first hour.  The movie's alternate title could be "Sleepless in Metropolis."

Of course, Lois doesn't try to stop Superman from giving up his powers or think about the millions of people who might die as a result if he does.  She's perfectly content to let him do it.

Then she makes him stop at diner where a powerless Clark Kent gets his ass kicked.

So as someone pointed out to me, the main message of the movie might be that women can ruin anything, even Superman.

But there's also other deficiencies in the movie that I never noticed until now.

1. Superman has random powers he's never used before.  

For instance, he's able to project multiple images of himself and give Lois a memory erasing kiss.  When the hell did he get these powers?

It's not like he needs these extra powers anyway.  But by far the worst power is the saran wrap "S" he pulls from his chest and throws at a bad guy.

It makes no sense at all.  I don't want to see Superman fight with something I use to keep my leftovers fresh for the next day.

2. The Fortress of Solitude doesn't live up to its name

Everybody and their mother finds it and visits.  Is it really that easy to find?  

Lex Luther gets to it in a hot air balloon,  a powerless Superman walks back there in a Members Only jacket, and Luther knows its location so well that he goes back there a second time with General Zod. 

It's about as hard to find as a mall in the suburbs or Disney World.

3. Lois and Clark are bad journalists  

I know it's a minor thing, but they're not even trying to make it look realistic.  They get assigned a story in Niagara Falls by their editor Perry White, don't do it and never check back in with him.

And even though they're journalists, they don't read a paper or watch TV for like a week so they have no idea about General Zod and his minions wreaking havoc on Earth.  What kind of journalists do that?

It's because of lazy people like them that the journalism industry is struggling today.

If only real life was more like "Superman II" then Superman could randomly erase my memory of the boring first 60 minutes of the movie and just have me only remember the action-packed 30 minutes again.

Passive Aggressive Office Notes

Via Job Descriptions.net, 40 (actually 38) passive aggressive office notes.  It's a great reminder of how pissed off people get about the little things in an office.

Some of the best ones are drinks for Dave, don't use comic sans and the very last one about cleaning the bathroom.

Maybe this is a kind of weak post but it's Friday and I'm too busy having to getting down.

Rebecca Black's Friday

This is what happens when people encourage crap like Ke$ha: Rebecca Black's song: "Friday."

Everybody can agree it is the worst song ever made, and one of the few things that's actually worse than Ke$ha.

It reminds me of a much shittier version of "Let's Go To The Mall" by Robin Sparkles, the fictional Canadian pop singer on "How I Met Your Mother."

Except that song's suppose to be a joke and intentionally bad unlike Black's song.

The lyrics of "Friday" seem to indicate that Black's in a special education class and just set her homework assignment about what she's doing this weekend to music.

And she needs to stop pretending that she doesn't know where to sit because she chooses the backseat both times.

As far as I can tell,  an important part of partying on Friday is awkward and off beat dancing with very few minorities.

They must have told the Asian and black kids that the real party was on Saturday so they wouldn't show up.

But the best part of the video is that they somehow found the bizarro or homeless man's version of Timberland to rap at the end of the song.

Nothing solidifies a bad song like a poor rap by a random guy that no one's heard of.

If I'm A-Ha, I'd be pissed that she imitated some of their pencil-sketch animation from the "Take on Me" video.

Although, I did keep hoping that random guy with the wrench who chases the A-Ha guy would show up and hit Black with the wrench.

Careless Whisper and 80s Love of the Saxophone

You'll probably recognize George Michael's 1984 hit song "Careless Whisper" as soon as you hear it.

The song is unintentionally hilarious with its lyrics and signature saxophone riff.  It cracks me up every time.

Watching the 80s cheesy video only makes it better.  I didn't think "Careless Whisper" could get any funnier until I saw this prank involving the saxophone riff from the song.

The best part is the look on the guy's face in biology class.  He's trying to resist, but clearly he's seduced by the riff.

At some point in the 1980s, people decided that the saxophone was cool and sexy.

Nothing quite encapsulates this phenomenon more than Rob Lowe's ridiculous saxophone scene leading a rock band in "St. Elmo's Fire."

Coke and the saxophone must really go well together.  That's my best explanation.  But this's my favorite scene involving a saxophone.

Reasons Why Movies That Were Good as Kid are Not as Good as an Adult

As I previously highlighted with "Blank Check," movies that seemed good as kid doesn't always hold up to an adult's judgement.

It shouldn't be surprising since an adult's eye is more critical, but it's still jarring to realize these movies are actually awful.

You may want to avoid the ugly truth about the quality of a beloved childhood movie so before you watch it, consider these six reasons why movies don't hold up an an adult:

6. Nudity

More so with boys than girls because a 12-year-old boy will think anything with full frontal nudity constitutes a good movie.  There doesn't even need to be a plot.  For example,  I'm sure there's a kid out there now who believes the direct to DVD movie  "American Pie: The Naked Mile " was a great movie for that very fact.  Assuming he's not a complete idiot, he' ll get older and realize like the rest of us that it's a beyond terrible movie.

5. Unrealistic Portrayal of Sports

Once you notice how fictional and inaccurate sports scenes are in a movie, it's really hard to ignore.  

But the second and third Mighty Ducks movies may be the worst offenders.  Just thinking about the absurd nature of these movies upsets me. 

 In "Mighty Ducks 2," coach Gordon Bombay selects most of his subpar old Ducks team without even holding try-outs for a national hockey team that should consist of the nation's best players.

He even takes Goldberg who is still a shitty goalie and some kid that doesn't know how to stop on skates.  

Then they're just allowed to randomly add a street hockey player to the roster midway through the tournament who has an unrealistic shot called the knucklepuck that takes about 10 minutes to execute.  Don't even get me started on "The Flying V" or changing uniforms midway through a game.

4. Bad Special Effects

As a kid you don't really notice bad special effects, but as an adult you can't really miss it.  For some reason, I can only think of "Howard the Duck" even though it's never been mistaken it for a good movie by anyone.   It's probably because that duck suit is so bad.  It looks like a sports mascot.  How did I not notice that before?

3. Anything with Pauly Shore

Of course, Pauly Shore making crazy sounds and talking gibberish would appeal to kids because they don't have a very sophisticated sense of humor.  It was like watching stupid pet tricks.

Remember how hilarious you thought "Son In Law" and "Jury Duty" were?    Not so much anymore.  Shore saying he's the weasel along with various surfer speak and outdated slang over and over again is just annoying, not funny.

2. Movies Made to Sell Merchandise / Fads

This one makes a ton of sense because movies such as these are founded on how impressionable kids are.  They don't care or realize that it's all a ploy to make them buy merchandise.  Once you get older though, you see through all bullshit  and recognize it was essentially a 90 minute advertisement.

I'm looking at you "Power Rangers," "Mortal Kombat," "Pokemon," and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze."   The "Secret of the Ooze" soundtrack featuring Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" sitting somewhere in my parents' house proves that I once fell for this movie ploy.


1.  Ridiculous Plot

A plot so stupid only a naive kid could only entertain it.  Again, I refer you back to "Blank Check."

If you need another example, I give you "Rookie of the Year."  Not only does it have a ridiculous plot, but it double dips with an unrealistic portrayal of sports.

I know some people may disagree with me because they love that movie.  I have this to say to them.  First, the phase "funky butt loving"won't be nearly as funny as you once thought it was.

Second, watch this trailer.  If you can honestly say that still looks like movie you'd want to see, then I'm seriously questioning your judgement.

In Retrospect, Blank Check is a Really Bad Movie

For those who don't recall, the 1994 movie "Blank Check" is about 12-year-old Preston Waters who accidentally gets a blank check that he fills in for $1,000,000.

I didn't love this movie or have a particular fondness for it, but apparently I liked it enough at the time to convince my parents to take me to see it.  

For that, I'd like to apologize to my parents because that must have been an excruciating 93 minutes.  I don't know how they resisted the urge to tell me how stupid it was.

The movie simply does not hold up as an adult.  Just look at the premise, you have to be 12 or under to think that it has the makings of a good movie.

I experienced this revelation a couple of years ago when I stumbled upon"Blank Check" at 4 a.m. on a cable station.  I wasn't even sober, and it was still obvious.

The complete lack of logic is ridiculous and infuriating.   First, Preston magically uses his Apple Macintosh Performa 6000 to make the blank check out for a million dollars.

And with relatively no questions asked, the bank cashes the check because no one is suspicious of a 12-year-old kid with a million dollars.

This is partially due to some convoluted plot about a criminal laundering money and thinking Preston is his assistant.   But again, who thinks it's natural for a kid to have a check like that?

You know if he was a minority, they would have called the police the second he showed them that check.

Then he buys a ton of stuff including a house and a go-cart track that would cost way more than a million dollars (even in 1994) under the guise that he's doing these things for Macintosh, a fake millionaire he made up.

Of course, everybody, including his parents, a chauffeur, and an FBI agent takes his word for it despite never seeing or hearing of this guy before.

Oh and there's also a nice touch of pedophilia with Shay, the 30s female FBI agent, being the object of Preston's affections.  

She even goes out on a date with him because diddling will definitely help solve her case.

Things only get creepier at the end, as the final scene is Preston looking at a picture of Shay in his room and deviously smiling.

Great, leave us all with the indication he's about to masturbate.

The tagline for this movie should be: "If you loved Home Alone, then experienced serious head trauma. You'll love Blank Check."

Damn You, Hall Pass Billboards

These  "Hall Pass" billboards are everywhere.  I get it.  There's a movie called "Hall Pass" that's going to be released soon.

The sight of them invokes anger.  Mainly because of Owen Wilson.   He looks so douchey in the picture that I want to punch him in the face.

I'm really supposed to believe Owen Wilson as a nerd between that picture and Hollywood telling me he's the cool guy for the last 10 years.  Being a nerd is really more of a Luke Wilson role.

The only redeeming thing about the billboard is Jason Sudeikis.  The hapless look on his face gets me every time.  It gives me hope that the movie could be funny.

Yet it's not enough to cancel out Owen Wilson.  The "Hall Pass" billboard is like my Overlook Hotel so if I go Jack Torrence crazy,  you'll know why.

The Third Olsen Sister: Elizabeth Olsen

Who knew there's a third Olsen sister?  Well maybe "The Onion" did. I know your initial response might be this,  but there is.

 Elizabeth Olsen is the younger sister of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.  Like them, she's an actress.

The appearance of a third sister seems pretty suspicious to me though.  How come we're just hearing about this sister now, and why didn't anybody mention her before?  It's sketchy that all of a suddenly she shows up.

Also, Elizabeth doesn't really look anything like her sisters.  Instead, she bares a striking resemble to Vera Farmiga.

That's certainly not a bad thing, unless you're Farmiga and there's a younger version of yourself.

Vera Farmiga

Elizabeth Olsen

There has to be an explanation for all this.  Elizabeth could be a desperate attempt by the Olsen parents to have a new star since the boat has kind of sailed on the Olsen Twins.

In fact maybe she isn't really a person, but a humanoid robot they created like Vicki from "Small Wonder."

Technology has vastly improved since the 1980s.  Like those indistinguishable Cylon robots in "Battlestar Galactica" or the Buffy Bot from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

By the way, the son on "Small Wonder" must have had one messed up childhood.  He has a sister, but it isn't really his sister because it's a robot.  Then he develops robot attachment issues.  I don't even want to think about his confusing adolescence.

Or maybe Elizabeth is a clone of some sort.  These are all legitimate answers... at least according to sci-fi television shows and that's good enough for me.

Get Your Smokey On

Oh the Ad Council and US Forest Service, you're way off with this one.  They're decided that the new tag line for Smokey the Bear is "Get Your Smokey On."

They've plastered these posters all over the place.   Billboards, bus stops, and I've even seen one covering the whole side of a building.

I can imagine nerdy business guys high fiving when they came up with this:  "How can we make Smokey the Bear more urban?  I got it.  This is really going to relate to our urban base."

This seems exactly like the episode of "The Simpsons" where they create the nonsensical and clearly youth-targeted character of Poochie who fails miserably.  Here's Poochie in action.

"Get Your Smokey On" doesn't even make sense.  If anything, it sounds like the opposite of preventing wild fires or something an arsonist or a pot head would say.

It would be great if this campaign completely backfired and it did become slang for smoking weed.

I don't like Smokey the Bear pointing at me either.  It's rude and I feel like he's accusing me of something I didn't do.

Then there's the bigger problem with Smokey the Bear, I'm not going to trust a bear that wears jeans because that's just weird.

Things Real People Don't Say About Advertising

Things Real People Don't Say About Advertising is a pretty entertaining tumblir page that's worth looking at.

It's fairly simple as it takes amusing pictures and adds text ad people or simple-minded people would say about advertising campaigns.

The sad part is that some of these ploys actually work on people, but I really hope advertising people get this excited about strategy.

Girl falls into Fountain While Texting at the Mall

This video is a few days old but it's still funny.  It's incredible that she could be so unaware of a water fountain yet she is.

I've secretly hoped this would happen to many people I've seen at the mall.  In fact I'm disappointed I couldn't witness this live.  

Now, I need to see someone video chatting and falling into a fountain to rise the stakes.

I really don't know if you can come back from mall security laughing at you though.  That's pretty serious humiliation.

What's the Difference Between a Bomb Pop, Rocket Pop, and Firecracker?

I''ve often wondered about this, but it's hard to come across a valid explanation.  They all seem like the same red, white, and blue popsicle.

I assumed that Bomb Pop, Rocket Pop, and Firecracker were just different ways of describing the same product.

Like a regional thing where maybe the East Coast calls it a Bomb Pop, but on the West Coast it's a Rocket Pop.

This isn't the case though.  They are technically not interchangable, but rather three similar yet distinct products.

Bomb Pops are the original trademarked brand of tri-colored popsicles made by a company called Blue Bunny.

Nestle's Rocket Pops and Popsicle's Firecrackers are knock-offs of the Bomb Pop.

Think of it like the Law and Order TV series: where Bomb is the original,  Rocket is an on par variation such as SVU, and Firecracker is Law and Order LA which everybody knows is a poor imitation of the original.

Sticking with that analogy, the crimes would have to be:  someone killing you for your Bomb Pop, sexually assaulting you with your Rocket Pop and having Alfred Molina partner with the Firecracker to solve an LA crime in a desperate attempted to make you watch an inferior show.

I know that I'd rather have a Bomb or Rocket Pop instead of a Firecracker.  All these popsicles for some reason are named after things that explode, but Firecrackers take it too far.

They feature a variety with an exploding candy tip.  This has to be someone's idea of a sick joke because  generally only porn stars like to have things explode in their mouth.

Srsly Sorry

Don't worry, I haven't turned into a texting teenager that doesn't know how to spell correctly.

I was going to apologize for my lack of posting over the last couple of weeks, but then I found "Srsly Sorry" which is funnier than anything I could of said.

This might be my new favorite website because it features random and crazy confessions or apologizes from people for the bad things they've done.

It's pretty addicting.  I wouldn't post my misdeeds on a website, but I'll sure as hell enjoy reading others do it.

There are some really good ones such as this:

Dear Roommates Friend,

I stole your “Street-Sharks” watch after making fun of you for it. Street Sharks were f*#%ing cool.

- anonymousor this:

Dear Chris and Kathy, two Christmases ago,

I didn’t realize the eggnog was of the “adult” variety when I gave your four year old a glass. We thought he was just acting silly, but then he puked up rum and nog vomit all over the couch, and I realized what I had done. Srsly sorry I never fessed up, but, at least he was really entertaining. Drunken children are always funny.

- Hank

You have to give Hank some credit for apologizing, and he makes a valid point about drunk children.  Those are just two of many good ones.

Sure "Srsly Sorry" is kind of like PostSecret, but it's not as self loathing or full of depressing people so it's more entertaining.

The site confirms what we already know: people do some messed up things, and as long as they don't happen to you then it's funny.