National Stereotypes Aren't Going Away

If you were afraid that national stereotypes had become less common these days, don't worry they've just gone online.  According to this London Telegraph article, people are searching Google to get answers to stereotypes such as British people having bad teeth, French people smelling bad, and American women being easy.

Make sure you look at all the pages of stereotypes because a lot of them are pretty bizarre and outdated.  I don't know what American women did to the rest of the world, but they really seem to get a bad reputation.  See.  Although, I have to imagine that going to other countries to get their groove back with strange men and falling for any man with an accent contributed vastly to the image of American women as easy.

Stop Telling Me What to Do Hilary Duff

Random people don't get to tell me what to do so forget a C list actress trying to.  I'm not even sure this is really a PSA.  Hilary Duff was probably pretending to shop for 15 minutes hoping someone would finally recognize her, and when that didn't happen she pretended to be offended by someone saying "gay" just so they'd have to pay attention to her.



The PSA doesn't make a ton of sense because I've never heard a girl refer to clothing as gay unless it really does make someone look homosexual.  Although Maybe Duff is right, we should replace "that's so gay" with something else.  How about that's so Hilary Duff.  It's already synonymous with bad acting and bad movies so it's a natural transition.   For example, this PSA is so Hilary Duff.

Now the Wanda Sykes one is how you get the message across.  She serves that kid so hard that I thought this was trailer for the straight to DVD sequel of "You Got Served."

Bad Ronald Still Sucks

 
[Bad Ronald] - Let's Begin (Shoot the Shit)

If you do remember Bad Ronald, I feel sorry for you because you're taking up valuable brain space with something you're better off forgetting.  For those of you who don't, they were a rap-rock group consisting of three MCs (Ray, White Owl and Kaz Gamble) and DJ Deetlax whose only notable song was "Let's Begin" in 2001.  I was going to call it a hit song, but I don't even think it did well enough to be considered one.

After watching this video, it's clear that these guys were awful to begin with and only get worse with age.  It's so bad You Tube doesn't have the video.  Just look at these lyrics.  They can't even make the excuse that it was the 90s because it wasn't.    There's only one reason Bad Ronald was remotely successful: college kids.

I'm sure it became a party anthem for many college kids when they were like "Hey, they're talking about stuff we're doing.  That's awesome."  Let's call this the "Bad Ronald Effect." Although as soon they left college or got older,  they realized how much the song sucked which is why Bad Ronald flamed out so quickly.

A more contemporary example of the "Bad Ronald Effect" is Asher Roth and his song "I Love College."   Only people in high school and college don't realize he sucks because he's describing stuff they do or want to do.  Too bad Roth didn't have time to study history in between repeating cliches about college because he's about to be as forgettable as Bad Ronald.

Supercats

I thought a Super Cat was only the Jamaican reggae artist that collaborated on Sugar Ray's hit song "Fly,"  but I was wrong.  Apparently people think it's a great idea to crossbreed domestic cats with wild cats from Africa or South America to create so called supercats.

According to a London Telegraph article,  the most popular breed is called a savannah.  It is bred from a serval,  cheetah-like wildcat found in Africa that can grow three times larger than a domestic cat, jump 7 ft vertically and run at a top speed of 50 mph.



Clearly that sounds like the perfect pet to have in your house, but it gets better.  Without 24/7 care for the first couple of weeks they could turn feral, and it's not really safe to leave them alone with any child under five.

Only an idiot would own one of these cats.  If you're lucky the supercat will just mess up your place, instead of trying to attack you because you took away its favorite toy.

Just creating a supercat sounds like animal abuse.  I don't even want to know how you get a large wildcat and domestic cat to breed with each other.  Does the regular cat even survive that?

We shouldn't really be surprised that many savannahs were bred in the United States in the 80s.  Some coked out business guy was probably like "it would be so rad if you could combine a domestic cat with a wildcat to make a pet."

More importantly, we need to keep an eye on Michael Vick because as far as I know there isn't any law against supercat fighting or supercat vs. dog fighting.

Local Natives

I slacked on a Friday post so I'll make it up with a rare Saturday one telling you about a cool band called Local Natives. They're an unsigned LA band that I've been listening to a lot, but I only found out about them when someone else who saw Local Natives live gave me their five track "Daytrotter EP."

The standout song on this EP is the song "Airplanes."  You may have unknowingly heard it before because it was used on the TV show "Chuck" last season.   A BBC Radio One performance of this song is featured below.



The rest of the EP is good as well including my second favorite song on it "World News."  They've completed a full length album "Gorilla Manor," but I'm not really sure if that's readily available yet. Although you can download most of the tracks on the "Daytrotter EP" from here or listen to them on the Local Natives myspace page.

Intervention

By now I'm sure you've at least heard of the A&E show "Intervention." even if you have not watched it. The show airs on Mondays at 8:00 pm and 9:00 pm.  Each episode documents one or two people who suffer from an addiction of some kind and believe they are participating in a documentary about their problem.  But in reality they are being filmed for the impending intervention that their friends/family are planning with a professional interventionist.



How can these people always fall for the documentary ploy?  Honestly, I really don't know.  I think it's just like the road runner and the coyote.  The coyote is always going to lose.  Not to mention, he's addicted to his pursuit of catching the road runner   The show is more than just your standard drug and alcohol addictions too.   Some of the best ones were the genius that was addicted to DXM (the stuff in cold medicines like robitussin), the teenager with the video game addiction, and the girl that got high off electronic cleaner.

Coincidently they also provided some of the best moments like the guy on DXM getting his backpack taken by a pimp when he couldn't pay a hooker (skip head to 3:07 to see it), and the video game addict pretty much getting bribed with sex (think it's around 7:00 minute mark) by his friend (a girl) to go to treatment.

Every episode always starts out with background on a person and how they became an addict.  Of course, it's almost always the same type of people.   If your parents didn't believe you or pretended like the time you were abused, raped, or molested never happened or they got divorced then there's a 99% chance you're on "Intervention."   A lot of it comes down to shitty parenting, but then there's the other 1% that just create a traumatic experience out of a minor life event like I found out Santa Claus wasn't real or Tommy Mctommerson said I smelled in the second grade.

Eventually they get to the intervention which is really entertaining.  Some people just start flipping their shit as soon as they realize they have been tricked.  Most times they get calmed down to get the intervention started.  Then family and friends detail the negative effects the person's addiction has had on them and offer consequences if the person doesn't go to treatment.

My problem with this step is that family and friends are always reading off a script of "your addiction has affected me in the following ways... if you don't accept this help our relationship will change in the following ways."  So let me get this straight, you care about me so much that you can't even take the time to think of something original to say so you need to read something off a piece of paper.  The best response I've ever seen to this was a stripper/meth addict who said, "So what, I wish I had a pile of meth to snort right now, but it ain't gonna happen."

The key to the success of the intervention is usually the interventionist that the show deploys.  They usually rotate three of them, although the best one by far is Jeff VanVonderson.  This guy's like the Mariano Rivera of interventions.  He's always closes the deal, and better yet he describes how he's going to get the person into accepting treatment each time.  I'm pretty sure he could convince you and me that we needed an invention even if we didn't.  He's just that good.  Much like He-Man's sword, I think VanVonderson's mustache gives him secret intervention powers.

It's always nice to see people accept treatment and become rehabilitated.  Especially since I can then justify enjoying the show because it's helping people.

Secretly I'm hoping I get to be a part of an intervention at some point.  Don't worry though, I'm not wishing that any of my friends or family have serious drugs problems or anything like that.  Although please remember, it's not my fault that you thought that the mound of white stuff at the party was a new kind of Splenda.  Where would you even get a crazy idea like that?

People keep telling me that I might need an intervention for how much I like "Intervention."  Just know that if you don't get more than three people for my intervention than you're gonna need another invention for how upset I'll be about the lack of people at my original one.

Michael Vick needs Air Bud

With Michael Vick getting very close to being reinstated for regular season action, I think we still have to make sure that he's truly changed. That's why the Philadelphia Eagles need to sign star athlete/Golden Retriever Air Bud as a wide receiver. Now obviously there's no way in hell a dog could ever play football because it couldn't run routes, catch the ball and would probably try to bite anyone who tried to tackle it. But let's be as naive as the Disney movie "Air Bud: Golden Receiver," and somehow pretend that a dog can do all that.

Once Air Bud drops an easy pass or runs the wrong route, we would really see how rehabilitated Vick is. If Vick starts maliciously whipping balls at Air Bud, needs teammates to restrain him from physically harming Air Bud, or tells Air Bud that he knows how to deal with bad dogs then we'd know that Vick hasn't changed. Although, who really wouldn't be upset about having a dog as a wide receiver? So maybe that's not a good test after all.

T-Pain's Miami Dolphins Fight Song

I had no idea this existed until a friend informed me that T-Pain made a fight song for the Miami Dolphins.  It's a surprisingly catchy song considering it was made by T-Pain and involved Pitbull (I could go on about how much Pitbull and Reggaeton suck, but I think F minus sums those two things up best).  Then I discovered that I was giving T-Pain too much credit.



He only updated the original song that some guy named Lee Ofman wrote and composed before the Dolphins' historic 1972 season when they went undefeated on their way to a NFL championship.  I should have known T-Pain couldn't have written something this simple because clearly the first thing he would have done is mention the cheerleaders.  I mean this is a guy who says he fell in love with a stripper.

So in reality T-Pain did nothing more than add Auto-Tune to the original song, but now this all makes sense.  Of course, T-Pain was the person who had to update the song because he shares a common bond with the Dolphins.  Both of them used gimmicks to cultivate their success.  T-Pain employed Auto-Tune in his songs to become a star while the Dolphins used the Wildcat offensive to unexpectedly win the AFC East and make the playoffs last season.

I still think the best NFL fight song is the San Diego Chargers' disco themed "San Diego Super Chargers."  A close second is what should be Cleveland's unofficial fight song (There's a swear or two so maybe don't click this at work).

Mad Men Parody Video

I like "Mad Men' as much as the next person, but this video by the comedy troupe Landline is pretty amusing. Know how I know "Saturday Night Live sucks?" A random comedy troupe can make a better "Mad Men" sketch in 60 seconds without John Hamm than "SNL" can in a five minute sketch with John Hamm.

The Straight Asian Fastball

Pictured Hideo Nomo

"The Straight Asian fastball" is not a derogatory race thing, but instead a phenomenon associated with pitchers of Asian decent in Major League Baseball.  A lot of pitchers from Japan, Korea, China, and Taiwan struggle in MLB because they throw a fastball that lacks sufficient movement to get batters out.  It's the reason pitchers like Tomo Ohka and Sun-Woo Kim never lived up to their billings as prospects. I don't care how fast a pitcher throws, if the ball travels straight as an arrow then a Major League hitter will hammer it.



This type of fastball is not exclusive to just Asian pitchers as white pitchers such as former Blue Jays closer Billy Koch and Red Sox starter  Clay Buchholz possess fastballs like this.  In fact, Koch was a dominating closer for a year or two before hitters adjusted to the speed of his 100 mph fastball, and with little movement on the pitch, batters crushed it.

For some reason, the two seam fastball and cutter don't seem to be pitches that are routinely taught in Asian countries as they are in other ones.  These two pitches possess side to side movement that makes them very effective in the Major Leagues, which is why some of the best pitchers use them.  Without these pitches, Asian pitchers are immediately at a disadvantage because they only have the four seam fastball, and possibly because they practice and work so hard at perfecting pitching, it goes exactly where it looks like it will go.

It's like trying to watch "The Real World" after so many seasons.  You know what is going to happen each season: there will be a gay roommate, lots of alcohol, idiotic drunk behavior, a house hook up gone wrong, and of course racial tensions.

Japanese pitchers will commonly throw a fork ball to counteract the fastball, but if the hitter recognizes the fork ball and lays off the pitch then he can sit on the fastball.  Think about the most successful Asian pitchers in MLB and you'll realize most of them come out the bullpen.  That's because they see less batters and are more likely to get away with mistakes.

Former Mariners reliever Shigetoshi Hasegawa, former Mariners closer Kazuhiro Sasaki, and former Dodgers closer and current Red Sox reliever Takashi Saito represent some of the most successful Japanese pitchers in MLB.

It's comparable to the teen celebrity effect.  At first teen celebrities have all this fan fare and seem so great, but after while we discover that they have flaws.  Then we get so saturated with media coverage of them that by their 20s they aren't considered special or interesting anymore.

Converesely few Asian starting pitchers have enjoyed success.  Even if they do in the beginning, it's fleeting as they struggle after a few seasons.  Hideo Nomo's intial star burned out as batters figured out his deceptive wind up, and Yankees starter Chien-Ming Wang succeeded because of the great movement on his sinker ball, but he's pitched poorly since he lost the feel for it.  Even Dice-K who throws a two seam fastball gets hammered due to his lack of command for it.

Next time your team has a highly touted pitching prospect don't get too excited until you find out if he has the Straight Asian fastball or not.

Only Minorities Get STDs

 

At least that's what this commercial seems to be saying.  Forget all those things you heard about safe sex because apparently the real key to avoiding STDs is racial profiling of sexual partners.  There aren't any white people in this commercial because clearly they must not get things like that.  Oh wait a minute, they do because everyone is susceptible.  


What's the slogan here? If he's white he's alright, if he's brown don't go to town and if he's black his shit is whack.

Google Insights Strangely Addictive

Okay it's not crack but it's close.  If you haven't used Google Insights,  I'm going to warn you right now that it's very addicting so make sure you have some free time.  Allegedly, it's supposed to be a tool for businesses to conduct market research as it provides content such as the most common search terms for a subject like basketball, when the most popular searches for basketball occur like what month or year, what regions have the most interest in baskeball along with detailing the top searches and rising searches for basketball.  Now actually reading the description of the program sounds boring, but using it isn't because  Google's tag line for the service "See what the world is searching for" rings true.


Once you start searching one term, it's almost impossible to stop as you keeping searching other ones.  I spent like two hours doing this one night.  Of course, it's a lot more fun if you search dirty terms.  For instance if you search the word "porn" with a timeline from 2004 to the present, you would pretty much expect that a sex-crazed country like the United States would be near the top of the list, but you would be wrong (here's the actual search.  Don't worry there are no pictures here).  It's not even in the top 10.  The top five are Papua New Guinea, Trinidad and Tobago, Ireland, United Kingdom, and Bangladesh.

That tells me a couple of use things.  First,  if you live on an island apparently there isn't much to do besides look at porn.  Second, I really don't want to touch anybody's bed or really anything in anybody's bedroom in those places because they probably weren't just watching for educational reference.  Lastly, the United States needs to step it up because they talk a big game but don't deliver.

If you switched from region to city though, Los Angeles and New York appear at four and six respectively.  All of the other cities on the list also seem to be urban centers with Brentford, UK being the exception although  it's thought that the city appears high on lists for porn searches because of an ISP routing center near the town, not the interests of residents.   So I guess there's no place like a metropolis to search for porn.  It probably adds culture to the experience, but this also means that there might be people living in New York thinking, "I could go to the Empire State building, go to a Knicks game, or go to the Guggenheim Museum, but I'd rather stay in and search for porn."  Can't really fault the guy who chooses the porn over the Knicks though, because lets be honest that is more exciting than a Knicks game.

This also proves that the drain in the US rating must be coming from the Midwest.  Come on Midwest, it's not 1995, stop using a dial up modem.  Nobody wants to wait five hours for their search to finish, and I promise you that a cable modem is better and cheaper than doing meth.

Finally, if you change the time period for searches to within the last 12 months you will notice something very interesting.  There is a spike in searches between the end of December 2008 and beginning of January 2009.  Either a lot of people thought there was going to be some porn shortage in 2009 or they made a new year's resolution to look more porn and are sticking to it.

Dammit, see what I mean about Google Insights.  I just wasted all this time analyzing a graph of porn searches like some nerd for no reason at all.

What the Hell is a She Wolf?

Apparently Shakira has a new song called "She Wolf," but it doesn't make much sense to me. Especially after watching the video.   Where to start?  She keeps claiming "there's a She Wolf in the closet."  It's highly unlikely you could trap any kind of wolf in a closet, and it wouldn't even be a wise idea to do so.  How would a wolf even get in a closet?  Unless R. Kelly somehow got himself trapped in a closet with a wolf.  That's one freaky dude so I wouldn't put it past him to have some weird sex ritual involving a wolf.


In addition,  the video seems to indicate that a She Wolf is really just some slutty girl doing weird poses and dancing like she has epilepsy in a techno club.  Clearly, I don't object to Shakira dancing in an outfit that looks like there were moths in the closet instead of a She Wolf, but why would anybody want to call themselves a She Wolf?  You're pretty much saying there's an undercover prostitute in your closet who probably has at least five STDs that she'll unknowingly give to your boyfriend.  

A couple of other things you may have noticed.  There's a wolf just walking around the club.  I wouldn't keep dancing if I saw a wolf in the club because that would be one pissed off wolf.  Also, Shakira howls like a wolf during the chorus section of the song.  It's so unexpected and ridiculous that it's funny every time.  I can just imagine the producer in the studio being like "Yeah, this is good, but it's missing something.  Shakira why don't you bay at the moon like a wolf.  No... it's not degrading... yes it's for the song and not for me.  It's how you make a hit record!"  

Towards the end of the video, Shakira looks like she's just trying to prove she can rub her stomach and pat her head at the same time and call it a dance. Who does she think she is, Beyonce?  I thought only Beyonce was allowed to wildly flail her body and call it a dance.

So I still don't know what Shakira was trying to convey with the term "She Wolf," but I think we've all learned that you should stay far away from any woman claiming to be a She Wolf because it will likely result in an unpleasant trip to the doctor's.