Last Christmas

Wham's 1984 single "Last Christmas" has to be one of the best Christmas songs ever made.  A claim supported by the vast number of artists including Jimmy Eats World, Arctic Monkeys, and the cast of "Glee"(which did a version this year) who have covered it.

Although, the song should just be credited to George Michael's since he wrote it, and Andrew Ridgeley, the other half of Wham,  mooched off it.

The video for the song isn't nearly as good though.  No wonder the brunette woman gave away Michael's heart last Christmas because that looks like one sucky Christmas.  Who wants to go to the middle of nowhere to celebrate Christmas?  I don't see any presents either so I bet Michael offered his heart because he was too cheap to buy real presents.


The brunette woman Michael is pining for looks like one of Kristen Wiig's Midwestern characters for Saturday Night Live.

George Michael gave his heart to the 80s

version of Kristen Wiig

Even worse, his best friend Ridgeley is with the same brunette woman that destroyed Michael's heart the previous Christmas.  What a douche.  Ridgeley must be the worst best friend ever because he doesn't contribute anything to the group, and dates the woman that Micheal was with last Christmas.

It's clear that this a Christmas celebration planned by a gay man (Michael) who wants to minimize the amount of physical contact he has to have with a woman.  That's why he's made sure they're constantly surrounded by other people so he can be like "Oh no, we can have sex anytime.  Let's hit the slopes again or play another game of charades."

It's also likely that the brunette woman found about Micheal's true sexuality the previous Christmas so that's why she gave his heart away.  In fact, maybe the song's lyrics should be "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you found out I was gay."

Cheryl Cole: Britain is Holding Out on Us

Let me get this straight, Britain has the hot popstar Cheryl Cole to offer and instead they give us homely Susan Boyle.  It's the equivalent of being promised a good toy for Christmas, but only getting a crappy toy from a drug store or the United States telling Britain that the most attractive pop star we have to offer is Lady Gaga.

To borrow a phrase from a 2004 song by overrated British rapper The Streets,  one might say to Cole or about her, " You're fit but my gosh don't you just know it" (Don't even get me started on how stupid the whole The Streets thing is/was).


Cole is a famous popstar in the United Kingdom who rose to fame as part of an all girl pop group called Girls Aloud that was formed through a reality television show, and she has recently started a successful solo career with UK chart topping single "Fight for this Love."  Watch it here.  She's also married to Chelsea and England national team soccer player Ashley Cole who was even stupid enough to cheat on her.

If you've watched the video, you know what we're missing out on.  She definitely fits the mold for an American popstar as she's somewhat talented, but really gets by on her looks.  In fact, she'd fill the current void of this type of popstar in America.  Besides Britain owes us, they haven't given us this kind of sexed-up popstar since the Spice Girls, and they weren't all that great anyway.

As a country that isn't always known for its good looks, one might think Britain would want to showcase someone like Cole, but clearly they don't want to share her with the U.S.

Maybe because she's considered somewhat of a national treasure in Britain, and they fear we'll steal her from them.  Hey, we gave back Elizabeth Hurley once we got bored with her.

Fall 2009: The Season of the Overweight Black Woman

 The first and probably the last time you will 

ever see a picture of Mo'Nique on this page

 Now I could have said fat, but I trying to be politically correct for a change.  Fall 2009 has clearly been a time of unparalleled success for "big-boned" women in entertainment.   Think about this for a moment.

The movie "Precious," which is gaining critical acclaim and praise features two overweight black women as main characters .  It's possible that both Gabourey Sidibe and Mo'Nique will earn Oscar nominations for their roles.

Overweight women are also having success on television.  Shows such as "Glee," "Community," and "Parks and Recreation" all have this type of woman as a character.  They're not just there to be a punchline to a joke, but are actually legitimate characters.


I can not recall a time when the entertainment industry appreciated overweight black women this much.  It's clear that Oprah paved the way for overweight black women in entertainment as America lets her into their living rooms each afternoon.

Without her, audiences would not be as comfortable with these type of characters on screen.  Giving away free cars like this doesn't hurt either.

Of course, that doesn't mean the perpetuated stereotypes for overweight black women such as being sassy and singing well have gone away.  The characters on "Glee" (obviously she would have to sing well to be on this show) and "Community" do both these things, and the character on "Community" is sassy.

But at least they have these characters in their shows.  Trying to find an overweight black woman on CBS programming is like reading a "Where's Waldo" book.  Instead they occasionally show black men like Shemar Moore on "Criminal Minds," and the black guy from "CSI NY" who my sister claims "look like models pretending to be cops."

All that said, this Fall may indicate a little bit of change happening in the entertainment industry.  One might say that overweight black women are finally being judged for the content of their character instead of the content of their stomachs.

ABC's Conveyor Belt (Meat Market) of Love

The Hollywood Reporter reports that ABC has green lit a reality show called "Conveyor Belt of Love."  Oh it's as bad as it sounds.  The show consists of 30 men being rolled out before a panel of five women and given one minute to make a positive impression.

Actually that description doesn't even do it justice.  Here's how the press release describes it:

If a woman is interested in someone, that man will step aside and wait as the rest of the men go by.  But if another man comes by on the belt that seems better than that woman’s first choice, she can swap out the man waiting off of the belt as many times as she wants until the last man has passed by. If two or more of the women are interested in the same man, the tables turn and the man on the conveyor belt gets to choose which one he would like to wait for. After all 30 men have made it through the 'Conveyor Belt of Love,' each woman is left with her final choice as they embark on a date in the hope of finding a true connection.

So pretty much they've created a show that makes choosing a mate as much like a meat market as they can.  Seems to me that "Conveyor Belt of Love" could have been set in some sketchy night club with loud house music because the same type of shallow culture is perptuated there.

Yet this whole meat market concept sounds oddly familiar.  Oh yeah, it's called prostitution.  Isn't this the same thing men do when they go to brothels?  Then again I guess reality TV is the closest thing there is to legal prostitution.

Apparently ABC has not learned its lesson about reality shows like this.  It must have blocked out its short-lived 2003 reality show "Are You Hot" where a panel of judges including Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter and Randolph Duke evaluated contestants based on their physical attractiveness.

You're really gonna let the guy from Renegade judge you .

Lamas even used a laser pointer to highlight the flaws of contestants .  Of course, this was when he wasn't making inappropriate comments to "hot women" such as "Oh yeah, I want to take you backstage and do bad things to you."  It was an awful show, but the unintentional comedy of confident douchebags breaking down once they were judged not hot by the likes of Lamas was worth a viewing or two.

"Conveyor Belt of Love" isn't even going to offer that much entertainment so that's why it will be more of an epic fail.  Not to mention, I have a feeling that conveyor belt is going to be full of STDs as well.

Caveman Games

As one of my friends accurately put it "the best/worst game."  The Nintendo game focused on caveman competing in a series of athletic events that mimicked Olympic style events, but with the challenges of their prehistoric environment.

The game play and controls for this game were terrible.   The developers neglected to acknowledge that they made this game over-complicated for a system that only has a two-button controller.  The only thing that's more complicated and makes less sense is the TV show "Heroes."

Not to mention, the game doesn't come with any instructions for  game play despite the $50 that game probably cost.  It's like they want you to go crazy trying to figure it out.

The game consisted of six events: Dino Race, Dino Vault, Clubbing Fire Starting, Mate Toss, and Saber Race.  The Mate Toss was the best event by far while Clubbing and Fire Starting were decent, and the other three events were just awful.

Here's a breakdown of the events:


The Mate Toss
 An event similar to the hammer throw where a caveman would toss his wife as far as he could through the air. At first it was kind of hard to get down because you had to rotate the directional pad to get speed then get just the right angle on your throw for optimum distance, but eventually you would figure it out.

Prehistoric Domestic Violence

Although in retrospect, it seemed to encourage kids to take pleasure in the act of domestic violence.  Some of those kids (mainly the stupid ones who take cues from video games) probably carried this thought over to their adult life.  I bet Tiger's wife played this game because it sounds like what she did to him once she found out he has as many mistress as an NBA player.

Clubbing
Sorry Eurotrash people I don't mean that kind of clubbing so there's no techno music here.  Instead it was two caveman hitting each other with a club.  It was fun, but got boring after awhile.  Wow, Tiger's wife must have really played this game because this also sounds like something she did.

Firestarter
As The Prodigy once said "You are the firestarter" (Don't take that as an endorsement The Prodigy).  You rub sticks together and blow on smoke to get a fire going.  The first one to do this wins.

This is entertaining until you've almost got a fire started and the person you're competing with hits you which causes you to have to start again.  The hitting goes back and forth and eventually this game seems to last forever.
  
Saber Race
You mash a lot of buttons while trying to out run your competitor and a saber tooth tiger.  Plain and simple it's a shitty game.

Dino Vault and Dino Race

I put these two together not only because they both involve dinosaurs, but I also could never figure out how to do them correctly.  If I ever find the guy who created these games and how to play them,  I'll punch him in the face for wasting hours of my life.

The Dino Vault was exactly like the pole vault except it's cavemen trying to jump over a t-rex.   It was almost impossible to mash the buttons quickly enough to get the necessary speed and plant the stick in the right place for the vault.  I'm fairly certain I still couldn't do this now.

The Dino Race is the bane of my existence 

The Dino Race is by far the worst event in the game.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  You're  caveman riding a dinosaur who you're suppose to run and jump through a course.  I'd pound all the buttons and my stupid dinosaur would just stand there.  I'm getting angry now just thinking about it.  Whoever figures this game out deserves a Nobel Prize because chances are someone will figure out cold fusion before anyone discovers how to play the Dino Race.     

Find Your Digital Doppelganger

Mashable details a new facebook application provided by Coca-Cola called the Coke Zero Facial Profiler which tries to find your digital doppelganger through facebook.

I don't really support facebook applications, but this seems like something that would be pretty cool. I'd use it to find my doppelganger only so I could eliminate him.  Much like the Highlandler there can only be one of me. Of course, if he was a better version of me then chances are that he might kill me, but not if I find him first.

I'm just worried that much like Homer Simpson I'm going to get distracted by a puffy tailed dog instead.

James Lipton and Sexting

 

Never thought those two things would be associated with each other but they are.  James Lipton takes part in a PSA advising teenagers about the danger of sexting.  He even manages to make the word "junk" sound kind of dignified.

But I'm sure kids will continue to sext because they're pretty stupid and implying sex through technology is apparently much better than actually doing it.  I can't help think this idea was one geek's master plan to make himself seem cooler than he really was.

(Video isn't loading on home page for some reason but click read more and it's on that page.)


At this rate, the type of future presented in the movie "Demolition Man" doesn't seem as crazy as it once did.  A place where there's not physical touching so high fives are like this (skip to 1:11 in the video) and a version of sex based entirely on technology like this.

I should probably figure out how to use the three seashells  just in case.

Yeah, That is Disgusting

There's not much I can say about this story from London Telegraph as it really speaks for itself.  Let's just say that this guy enjoys manure way more than anybody should.

Although, I don't understand why the family would not charge this sicko for the use of their manure.  It's not like they're eating the manure or anything.  Secondly,  why doesn't this guy just get his own manure?  Hasn't this guy ever seen "Road Trip?"  If it's HIS manure, he can do anything he wants with it, no matter how weird and perverse it may be.